untitled

[NoName]

The snow will fall,
and still he will not have come,
his footsteps already blown from the path.

In vain the snow shall cover treetops,
and birds will fly to their nests,
In vain I will come out to await him,
And still he will not have come.

Even if one day my tears were to dry,
His bluebird voice on the mountain high,
never again shall resonate.

And if when spring finally arrives,
And there be new-born chicks chirping in the nest,
Even if an angel were to tell him,
That along the path I was waiting,
Still he would not come,

[Danté]

A few suggestions.



The snow will fall around the edges
where I find myself
pouring into its hidden density.

Footsteps are blown from the path.

Dirt stains form skirts
the trees revise their silhouettes
then feathering begins.

Footsteps are blown from the path.

I carry no cloth like yesterday
while writing over a faded impression
to ride its contours.

Footsteps are blown from the path.

If it finally arrives
and warm soft bellies contract,
there will be playfulness.

Footsteps all blown from the path...

he still hasn't come.

[NoName]

I'm sorry, but I do not see this as a few suggestions, I see it as a re-write, and to be honest you have not captured the mood of the poem. The last verse in particular is so far away from the original meaning that I wonder what you must have been thinking. I don't understand why such an altered interpretation of this poem would help me to improve it.

[Danté]

Well there you go, as I suspected you can critique but choose not to.


If it finally arrives spring
and warm soft bellies contract, through laying eggs, giving birth
there will be playfulness. young animals and birds exploring their new world


I'll leave you to it, I suspect others will do likewise.

[NoName]

Footsteps already blown from the path is not a main feature in the poem, it's only important in the first verse, to immediately emphasise the impossibility of what follows . The imagery is meant to be very simple, the verb is all important, each verse must end with the appropriate verbal structure. Which is why your version simply doesn't express what I originally wrote.

I'll leave you to it, I suspect others will do likewise

I take note of the tone. I must have done/said something wrong to start with, I seem to antagonise everyone.

[David]

This is very similar in tone to your other poem ("poem"), isn't it, NN? By the way, you're not actually Anon using a pen name, are you? Big fan of your work if you are.

I like the tense you use in "and still he will not have come" - what is that, future perfect (negative) or something? It's a nice complex thought.

I would be careful about using phrases that (perhaps) sound a little too poetical, like "In vain ... shall", "mountain high" (i.e. the inversion) and "never again shall". I do like your final verse, though.

I'd like to see how this looks if you make the phrasing a little more casual and contemporary. I think it might be even more affecting.

Cheers

David

[Danté]

"I take note of the tone. I must have done/said something wrong to start with, I seem to antagonise everyone."

The tone was pretty flat actually. As for "having done/said something wrong to start with" and "seem to antagonise everyone" that's probably a bit harsh as closer observation of your trail here, will factually demonstrate that some members have exercised their right to respond to you in an objective manner.
If you were not so busy telling people your own perspectives, you might actually find that some of what has been offered to you is of use, that's if you actually ponder it before running the risk of misconstruing most of it, or simply deciding you categorically know best.

To be honest, my tinkering with your poem was to get the exact reaction it did, the lines are irrelevant.
You seem to know so much better or already know what the weaknesses are in your work to a greater depth than most of the people offering you their opinions.

Most people here are fairly easy going. Perhaps spend a little time looking to see what has made you feel you have antagonised people.
You say you've read the rules, and again you've added two and two and come up with five hundred and seventy three point six.

I don't recall any mention of "strong opinions and suggestions" it's actually your honest opinions which the recipient can take or leave as they please, most will thank you either ways.

How about starting afresh, make an effort to work around the few concrete expectations if you are genuinely keen to join in with something like this.
If your'e not and you are sitting back with a big grin, thinking "what a bunch of suckers" enjoy the moment.

Danté

[arunansu]

First of all, why not provide a title?

I like the poem, but at times the usage of language reads a bit awkward: "And if when spring finally arrives"

Dante has provided you with a gem of a suggestion. Not only is he a fine poet, but he's an experienced one on the board. It may happen that two poets may not think on the same lines, or, what you think is wrong, may be correct for some other person. This creative difference can make reading / writing poetry all the more interesting. Many a times I haven't used others' suggestions, but I haven't ignored them. What I do, I try to re-write my weaker pieces after a long while, say one or two months (or even six months). That works for me. As is the old saying:
"Re-writers are great writers!"

Welcome to the PG and have fun!

[NoName]

Yes, I am open to all suggestions, I never meant I wasn't, but I did not expect parts to just be re-written with no comments or reasons as to why. I admit, I didn't like this and didn't see the point in it either.

I fully accept that the poem is lacking in many areas, I totally agree that the expression "In vain" doesn't sound right, it's too forced, and the verb tense may also sound too forced (I think it must be a future perfect David, yes, and no, I am not Anon under a different alias), yet if I re-write this poem I would like to keep the tense.

I haven't given the poem a title because I can't think of a suitable one. I really do find myself in an awkward position here, I don't see myself as contributing any constructive criticism, I won't post again until I do. This place is very active and I'm not capable of that, at least for now. I will continue to read the forum . Thanks to all those who have taken the time to comment.
Giselle

[ray miller]

I think you have a nice opening 3 lines and I quite liked the ending.
I don't understand why the snow would be covering treetops in vain.
This, as others mentioned, is a very unnatural construction:

His bluebird voice on the mountain high,
never again shall resonate.

You could call it: He only popped out to the shops

[Raincoat]

You could call it: He only popped out to the shops

haha ray - made me giggle, I vote for this title. perhaps it was TK Max wouldn't be surprised if he got lost in there..

[Arian]

Hi Giselle

Actually, I think this does succeed quite well in creating a sense of mood – perhaps of unrequited (or unfound) love, or maybe just of abstract, unpersonalised longing. The phrase “never again” in s3 implies lost love, buI I expect (and fervently hope) that that’s a simplistic interpretation. Lost would be too pat, too "done", surely?

I think, and I’m sorry to join the chorus here, that the main weakness of the piece is its (yes, sorry) slightly(!) archaic constructions. Yet, in my view, you could avoid them easily enough, without a loss of mood or tone.

Take this for example:

And if when spring finally arrives,
And there be new-born chicks chirping in the nest,

This sounds (a) clumsy, and (b) oddly 17th century rustic, like it was Long John Silver or someone talking (..and there be...me hearties etc).

Yet, if you had this:

And if, when spring finally arrives,
And new-born chicks are chirping in the nest,

You instantly have something the same in mood and meaning, but altogether simpler, more modern. And all you’ve done is added a comma and changed tense. You could give the whole piece a similar grammatical facelift, I reckon, and it would make a striking difference.

As to David's

what is that, future perfect (negative) or something?

Don’t worry – David’s been reading Dr Streetmentioner’s famous tome, the Traveler's Handbook of 1001 Tense Formations. And, as Douglas Adams pointed out, few - if any - readers get as far as the Future Semiconditionally Modified Subinverted Plagal Past Subjunctive Intentional before giving up.

Cheers
peter

[offelias]

Sorry I don't have any technical or constructive comments - I'll leave that to those who know what they're talking about...

To me the sentiment is quite deep.. like a tragedy almost.
That even the message of an angel of God couldn't convince the man to return.. ouch!
In my opinion the line "In vain the snow shall cover treetops," reads as the projected hopelessness of the lover who is unloved. Suddenly everything is pointless..

I really like the sentiment of the poem.

[twoleftfeet]

I like the tense you use in "and still he will not have come" - what is that, future perfect (negative) or something? It's a nice complex thought.
David

Yes, it works for me, too .

Even if one day my tears were to dry,
His bluebird voice on the mountain high,
never again shall resonate.

- as has been said, the construct is archaic. Also you seem to be forcing the rhyme , like in a lament.
(Actually the poem does have a sad, Sandy-Denny-song quality to it, I guess)
I honestly think you could lose those three lines without detracting much from the poem.

Nice one NoName
Geoff
PS can I call you Ms/Mr Eastwood?

[NoName]

It's so true that the poem sounds rather archaic in its structure and I seem to indulge in too obvious phrases. I certainly don't want to sound like Long John Silver, haha, that definately is not a twist I wish to give the tale!

The poem is about loss, not specifically a lost love, it's about someone who died, which is why he is of course irretrievably gone, hence the "in vains" and the "never agains" and the verb tense; there is a sense of tragedy, provoked by guilt, which is most apparent in the final lines.

I did have good intentions when I joined the forum, but I now realise I probably won't become an active member. I suppose what I really wanted was to share a few poems and people here have been good enough to give some thought to them, which has meant a lot to me.
Thanks again

Giselle
or Ms Eastwood if you prefer

[billycasper]

from a beginners perspective, hello. I am not going to comment on the technical aspects i will leave that to others more qualified.
but just to say i really liked this poem, i got the mood i thought on first reading it was about loss and to be honest im not concerned with how archaic it is. why does that matter ? if it works it works doesnt it ? (told you i was a beginner)
the only thing i would add is a title, start people off on the right track.

regards

[nar]

Hi, NoName.

OK, here's what I think:

You wrote this poem primarily for yourself, and the images are ones that are real and specific for you. As such, it is obviously a moving piece based on a real loss for you. Cathartic poetry can be very useful in dealing with such issues and emotions.

The hardest part about writing this type of poem is that your reader comes to it 'cold'; without your feelings or memories. So, it can be very hard to bridge the emotional gap between you and your reader.

For me, I do feel for you - your feeling of loss is obvious. However, your poem doesn't quite make me empathise with you. For that to happen I would need one of your images to resonate emotionally with me personally.

I see you standing on the path, and I feel for you, but I'm not standing beside you. With just a little work in this poem, I could be.

I'm with billycasper on this; I like it, and I feel it, regardless of style or technique. It's just missing a heartstring, but not by much.

Kindest.

- Neil