Lovestruck

[sophiemerlo]

Hi, I'm a newbie here - so hello! And I'm also a newbie at poetry. A bit of background first: I'm a musician and composer and have just started turning my hand to songwriting. Before people say to me: 'this is not a song-writing forum, it's a poetry forum', (followed, perhaps, by a polite 'go away!') I know that! I also know the art of poetry writing and lyric writing is not exactly the same, and that what makes a good song does not always make a good poem and vice versa. But because these art forms DO share some things in common, and also because the song lyrics I've come up with are very poetic, I was interested in what the non musician community thought about my lyrics from a poetic/lyrical standpoint. So, here's one of my latest lyrics,(call it a 'poem' if you prefer, as that is what it is as well as a song) what do you guys think?

LOVESTRUCK

I ride midnight's silver chariot
When moonbeams kiss the sea
As Earth sleeps on a bed of petals
And stars burn passionately.

Chorus:

Deep calls to deep
Under mesmerising starlit skies
Deep calls to deep
Uttering countless lovestruck sighs

Darkness reveals visions of you
Making my room spin giddily
Memories like scent fill the night air
And draw you closer to me.

(Chorus)

As I caress the moment when
You loved me wondrously
Silent meteors carve a path
To bring you back to me.

(Chorus)

[Danté]

It almost jogs to the music from the boxer.

I think you´ll find there are a number of poets here who dabble in music and any other form of expression which hits the spot

From a poetry point of view it´s a tad cliché here and there. It also lacks a journey of sorts to engage a reader/listener.


Got any chords for it or a progression?

Might be useful to drop the copyright, it might grate a bit in these parts lol Anyone wanting to steal it already has.

all the best

Danté

[sophiemerlo]

Dante, sorry, I posted in the wrong order I was so keen to get it posted!!! We've actually just crossed as I posted a comment now on another poem and I'm going to look at some more now. I certainly do not intend to only take and not give, and want to be able to help/encourage others where I can, although I feel I'm not really able to give much quality critique yet as kind of, what do I really know of poetry to be anything more than an uneducated uncouth armchair critic?! Music I know!

[dogofdiogenes]

Hi Sophie and welcome,

The silent meteors line was my favourite. There are some lovely soft sounds in there, but some of the images need to be personalized a bit more.

We had to study 'Eleanor Rigby' for O Level English-nothing wrong with looking at the poetry in a song!

All best wishes

jacq

[Danté]

I hope you get some enjoyment out of the place, I added to my comment above. Just use what comes to mind if you are unsure of how to reply, honesty is usually a good place to start.
Perhaps find an aspect you like, or dislike or something else that stands out for whatever reason, we are all learning, enjoy.

all the best

Danté

[sophiemerlo]

Thank you Jacq.

>>some of the images need to be personalized a bit more.

Can you be a bit more specific please? Thanks!

[sophiemerlo]

Dante, I have the melody for the intro and verses done but I'm yet to do the chorus or bridge.

[Danté]

I just tried accompanying it with a guitar using a pattern based around

F major C major E major A minor, using a chord for each verse line, it seems pretty cool to music

Danté

F
I ride midnight's chariot
......C late change
When moonbeams kiss the sea
......E late change
As Earth sleeps on a bed of petals
......A minor late as with E
And stars burn passionately.

[sophiemerlo]

>> Might be useful to drop the copyright, it might grate a bit in these part, lol

Dante, does my putting that on it really wind people up on here then? That was not really my intention, only to protect it (for what it's worth - maybe nobody wants to nick it!) And I wasn't presuming the regulars here would nick it anyway, but the internet being what it is I thought it wise ..... Surely putting copyright blah blah blah by your poem/song wherever its placed, on or off internet, does give you some sort of a legal protection you'd not have otherwise, so you can pursue legal recourse if you choose to against any copyright thief?

[Danté]

There is a mention of it in the rules, but aside from that it can be interpreted in a number of ways, the majority of which are not positive.

Obviously feel free to go your own way

Danté

[sophiemerlo]

I just tried accompanying it with a guitar using a pattern based around

F major C major E major A minor, using a chord for each verse line, it seems pretty cool to music

It would be interesting to hear the melody that sprang to your mind. When I've got my song version done first 'draft' I'll put it up on youtube so you can hear it, if you're interested.

My main instrument is the alto sax, and my favourite genre is jazz, although strangely the majority of the actual music I've composed to date is not jazz and not for the sax! It's more kind of 'ambient'/new agey.

[Danté]

I would be interested, I´ll do an mp3 of the basic strum, maybe it´ll give you something to bounce off.

Regards

Danté

[sophiemerlo]

Thanks.

And I'm really sorry about the copyright thing. Tho' I read your site rules a few days ago, that particular site rule somehow must have completely slipped by my radar. But no problem. I'll remove it.

[Danté]

This is just based upon the verse I edited

Chords.mp3

(698.17 KiB) Downloaded 136 times

where I showed the chord placements, I half picked a melody in the strum which seemed to work.

It just repeats around that first verse and evolves as I get more into the lyrics in respect of accents.

regards

Danté

PS it´s a crap recording on an out of tune guitar, fretted badly lol

[sophiemerlo]

Thanks for that Dante! Interesting - and I didn't know you could upload mp3s here, which is useful to know.

My music theory is not good enough yet to give you the guitar chords for the tune I've created thus far. And because I don't yet have the chorus - well actually I do, but I'm not happy with it (it doesn't 'go' well enough even if I put a bridge in), so effectively I've really only got two halves of two different songs, I'm not even convinced I'll use the melody I've assigned to it so far. I may go for something else entirely!

[Danté]

The sequence I played was pretty slow as I was looking to grab the melodic qualities of the lyrics. Perhaps you might want to explore some of the modes which are often used to impart a particular feel to a piece of music, or maybe a jazz orientated scale or maybe a fusion and then decide on a key. I used the minor chord for the last line as a subsequent inversion of a major chord used to start the chorus might elevate those lines at the point of each transition. Finding some chords of your own ought be quite straight forward if the melody pivots off the root or fifth interval in the chord, the thirds ought look after themselves but obviously the minor intervals if they exist in your melody will need an appropriate root chord or inversion to compliment it. Maybe if a jazz approach is used a dissonant interval or two might give a little more tension to the overall feel, I think a blues progression if too obvious might make it a bit predictable but certainly worth exploring. You have a fair bit of scope with this in respect of your bar division and although a 4/4 approach is quite obvious, a compound or subtly syncopated element to the rhythm might be another possibility to explore.

It´s also quite obvious that the wording of subsequent verses are likely to have a few issues in respect of melody compliance.

have fun

Danté

[Elphin]

Sophiemerlo

I have nothing partic insightful to add re the lyric but I just wanted to welcome you to the Board and to encourage the kind of interchange you have just had with Tim.

I am certainly very comfortable seeing lyrics discussed here - in fact at one time we had a dedicated lyric forum.

Hope you enjoy your time here and dont feel bashful about doing crits - just let the writer know what worked and didnt work.

cheers

elph

[penguin]

Hello sophiemerlo. I've one suggestion. "Making my room spin giddily.." "my room" feels a bit anti-climactic amongst stars and meteors. How's about "Making space spin giddily"?
Alright, two suggestions. Dispense with "wondrously". It's a bit naff, I think.

Best Wishes, Penguin

[sophiemerlo]

Hi Elph!

[sophiemerlo]

Thanks for the feedback, Penguin - I'll give these areas some more thought.

[sophiemerlo]

Penguin, have thought a bit about the 'wondrously' being a bit naff and what would be better in its place. I remember at the time I wrote this struggling a bit with finding exactly the right word to fit meaning and meter and sound. I thought 'wondrously' as a word ticked all these boxes for sound on the ear, but I thought it a little too old fashioned, more 1920s or something, for me to be fully at ease with using it. But I haven't yet thought of a better word there for sound. This is not to say there isn't one - one may very well pop into my head later! Thanks again for the critique.

[Arian]

This is just based upon the verse I edited

Chords.mp3

where I showed the chord placements, I half picked a melody in the strum which seemed to work.

That's nice, Tim, I like it.

I did it like this:

Cmaj........................Am
I ride midnight's silver chariot

........Fmaj..................Cmaj
When moonbeams kiss the sea

..................................Am
As Earth sleeps on a bed of petals

Gmaj.............Dm.....Cmaj
And stars burn passionately.


Which gives a more defined (to my ear), if more obvious, resolution to the chord sequence at the end of the verse.

But thanks for the thought-provoking, or chord-provoking at least, post. Perhaps you've opened a new strand!

Cheers
peter

[Danté]

Peter, thanks for letting me know your thoughts about the chords.

I tried your version and enjoyed playing it that way too, I did miss that fat E for the third verse line though. Our two different ways of structuring the progression have similarities, I'm utilising parts of the additional chords you chose through the inversions which occur. The way you have it, does as you say add definition in respect of resolving. I had in mind to do that in the chorus by shifting back to the relative major key. Have you tried a solo over the progression? I found that my solo riffs all hung around the E note which slotted into the extended arpeggios of the chords pretty well. It would be interesting to see which note begs hardest to accompany your progression.

Enjoyable stuff Peter.

Sophie, I hope you don't mind us talking over, music arising from your lyrics, please say if you do.

regards

Danté

[sophiemerlo]

No of course not, I appreciate it! I don't think in chords at the moment - only individual notes. But I recognise I need to learn more about chords than I do - it's good for jazz improvisation and playing/transcribing by ear.

[Arian]

Hi Tim, no, haven't tried a solo over it - a time issue, mainly. Interested to know what you do with it.

Cheers
peter