Caught out

[Jjaz]

Caught out

We sat outside school
playing hooky, just out of sight
to avoid getting rumbled.
Off came our ties and blazers, on went our hokum robes.

I colored my hair with food dye,
the others hurled mawkish remarks at passers by.

An old man dropped his tripe
because the paper bag got wet and split.

We laughed at his bicycle clips,
he bent down to scrape it up from the asphalt
but there was something about his face
like he was poring over my exercise books.

It seemed he knew I was lying.




Caught out(first post)

We sat outside school
playing hooky, just far enough out of sight
to avoid getting rumbled.
Off came our ties and blazers, on went our hokum robes.

I colored my hair with food dye while
the others hurled mawkish remarks at passers by.

An old man dropped his tripe because
the paper bag got wet and split.

We all laughed at his bicycle clips, he bent down
to scrape it up from the asphalt
but there was something about his face
that made me feel stupid for acting the fool.

It seemed like he knew I was lying.

[brianedwards]

Oh.

You have my attention.

Will return.

B.

[Lovely]

Dear J-jaz

let it go let it flow ........I dont' know why.........but I do

[Nash]

Hello Jjaz,

'Hokum robes' is an interesting turn of phrase, I've got no idea what it means but I like it. Care to elaborate?

The piece as a whole is reading a bit like prose to me, rather than poetry. You have some nice images, I find the old man with his spilt tripe rather unsettling for some reason. I also like the central idea about the unspoken communication between you and the elderly gent, perhaps this is something you could work on a bit more?

[Lovely]

I just lked it and crazy me. You moved it and I am humble: as the clouds covering
the sun, my only energy turned into mass. Like the soul...


Dave

[brianedwards]

What I like about this poem is the journey we travel from first to last line: after reading the first line a wee alarm bell rang, but I was delightfully surprised by where we ended up.
Nash makes a good point about this being similar to prose, and I think it is because of the details you don't need to give.
For example, your opening could be much more economical, and I don't think you need this line:

that made me feel stupid for acting the fool.

Good to meet you and your work.

B.

[arunansu]

Loved your piece, though some of the lines read too longish. No real nit, though. Enjoyed.

[Jjaz]

Thankyou Nash

Hokum:
1. Something apparently impressive or legitimate but actually untrue or insincere; nonsense.
2. A stock technique for eliciting a desired response from an audience.

I am unsure about your prose comment and trying to see which aspect of the poem is in need of reworking to make it more like a poem.
I did use some rhymes throughout the poem and as you already pointed out I used some imagery. I want to write better poems so this kind of information is just what I am looking for so I can correct my failings before they become too habitual.

Thankyou Brian

Thanks for looking twice, I think you just answered part of what I was asking Nash, I can trim the poem here and there but don't want to take too much out and make it hard to follow. I can see that getting a variety of opinions is useful and I will edit the poem and perhaps take out the line you mentioned as I probably gave enough attention to portraying that aspect in the opening lines.

Arunansu

Thankyou, I see you also felt the lines could be trimmed so I think that's where I'll start when I edit the poem.

Lovely, some interesting replies for me to think about, thankyou

Jjaz

[Lovely]

No nits here friend, try to chop it a bit though it is well versed.

Found you nice. You have a flow which carries nightingales by paths
of compass east to west north to south

Switch it on