The Ice Gaps

[contains deet]

Revision

I'm hipper than my daughter who oughta
know better, but I caught her, pimping a ride
R and B'd out of her mind, listless, horizontal
on a vertical decline...

Shine I cried shine - blind she cried blind.
Each to the other - resigned - other to the each
we happened to reach for a simultaneous smile;
Generation gaps are shrinking like the ice caps...

Original

Generation gaps are shrinking like the ice caps.
I'm hipper than my daughter who oughta
know better, but I caught her, pimping a ride
R and B'd out of her mind, listless, horizontal
on a vertical decline...

Shine I cried shine - blind she cried blind.
Each to the other - resigned - other to the each
we happened to reach for a simultaneous smile;
stretched it wide, formulated a traction -
creating ice-shaped reactions...

[ray miller]

What a lovely poem!I'm wondering now if it shouldn't be "simultaneous simile" - that's what I keep seeing anyhow. Last two lines I can take or leave but the rest is terrific.
R and B'd out of her mind is very nice. You might use hipper rather than trendier and "outta" is a new one on me - not "oughta"?
What's deet? Or who's deet?

[contains deet]

Hey thanks Ray.

Good suggestions.

I agree, I failed on "outta" - trying the newspeak, perhaps I'm not "hipper" after all!

"Deet" is what is contained in anti-bug spray.

CD

[nar]

Hey, contains deet.

Nice one... this is a good read. Deserves to be read aloud, perhaps with a hint of rap

Each to the other - resigned - other to the each

Ha - that's nice.

Only line that stuck a little for me was:

formulated a traction

.

"Deet" is what is contained in anti-bug spray

Feels kinda 'Naked Lunch' (film not book).

Reading this one again a few times, just for the enjoyment.

^_^

- Neil.

[brianedwards]

Very cool, very Beat. Even cooler if you removed the verb to be?
Nice to meet your pen, look forward to hearing more.

B.

[Elphin]

welcome deet - good beat and good conceit.

What more can you ask for?

An idea for you, I thought the beat really got going on l2. What do you think to making line 1 your title?

hope to read more

elph

[contains deet]

Hey, thanks for the great feedback, really chuffed.

Elph,

An idea for you, I thought the beat really got going on l2. What do you think to making line 1 your title?

That's given me an idea actually. I think that may be too cumbersome for the title? But I'll use it as the last line, as I'm not over keen on that anyway.

B.

Even cooler if you removed the verb to be?

Not quite sure what you mean? But i'd be interested to know.

Nice one, thanks.

CD

[brianedwards]

L1 are
L2 I'm

nix both?

The revision loses more than it gains.

B.

[contains deet]

The revision loses more than it gains.

Ahhhhk, perhaps so, looking at it.

I'm not happy with the last two lines, I'll come back to this one.

thanks

CD

[Arian]

I'm with Brian on the revision thing - the original's definitely better, in my view. I do think the last line's a bit forced, though - a gnomic (to say the least) image for the sake of the rhyme.

But I'll add my thumbs-up to the piece in general - imaginative, assertive rhythm, well-paced, nicely ironic tone. Yes, a pen to watch, for sure.

cheers
peter

[FP7]

The original's better, mate - and is a really good read. Cheers,

Stephen

[Nash]

Hi CD, good to meet you.

Not much more to add to what the others have said but I just thought that I would stop by to give you a general thumbs up! Great rythm to this one and, as Nar said, it's just begging to be read aloud.

Oh.... and I prefer the original too!

[Lovely]

Holy mother in my arms will love you.

Holy sweet heart..............holy Mother

[arunansu]

Sorry for being late to join the party. Terrific write. Great rhythm, and ... riveting imagery! Like the concept of "shrinking ice caps". Smiles.

[John G]

I'm down with the kids and enjoyed this v.much.

I can only assuem this is about the joys of parenting? Really enjoyed and a belated welcome to the board.