Scarily nice

[FP7]

He's got a
tattooed face
and a mouth
that bites people.

He's a Hep-C gorilla
with yellow eyes.
Supports the Spurs
(but can't name no
players these days).

He could murder
a tea, any chance...?
A no-hoper
with two hopes.

He tells the fat
secretary she looks nice.
No joke, proper nice.
She can't help blushing.

The depressed, bearded
cleaner mooches past:
'cheer up, love', he chirps.
His hate is like a magnet.

[Nash]

Hello FP7 (that's a very strange name!)

I really like this, S1 and S2 are both great.

I really like how you changed the tone with the beginning of S3, leading us on to believe that 'he could murder' before introducing us to the second line, very clever. I think that's the crux of the poem right there, not to judge by appearances.

I'm not sure about:

A no-hoper
with two hopes.

I get that it's referring to the old 'no hope/bob hope' line, but isn't it defeating the object when you've already said that he's a no-hoper?

I really enjoyed reading this, although I'm not sure that I understand the last line.

[Suzanne]

Very nice to see you!

The last line is the best. It is a great idea. I think it is such a great idea that it needs more words to get a better impact. You have a real story behind this, I am guessing. Again, Stephen, very nice to see you.

Warmly,
Suzanne

[twoleftfeet]

Hi, FP7.

An intriguing read.
Does the last line imply that he is naturally sarcastic as when he told the secretary and the cleaner they were attractive,
or is it that these women are the "hopes"? Hmmm

Geoff

[Lovely]

Come with me guys I like it. You scare me to death. Nice one.

I balance here have no fear for you though, stay cool.........

keep it as blessed I like this really do.........

Dave

[Danté]

It's not easy to suggest where you might go with this. I think it delivers a lot as it is and allows an interesting space for interpretation.

I like the way you've used contrasting appearances with contrasting outcomes in respect of the characters.

enjoyed

Danté

[nar]

Hey, FP7.

Nice work. Good and vivid characterisation. I've met him.

Reminds me of raoul moat.

S1 is very clever.

a mouth
that bites people.

Perfect.

S2 adds some detail that I'm not sure we need (too specific perhaps?), but is still nicely written.

S3 picks up the tone again. I might be tempted by 'cuppa' or 'brew' rather than 'tea'.

S4 :

No joke, proper nice.

is spot-on. Perhaps 'fat' isn't quite right for me. It's neither judgemental nor patronising enough.

S5: I so want 'mooches' to be 'hoovers', but that's just me. Only nit is 'depressed'.

His hate is like a magnet.

Simply a great line. I was temped to say 'metaphor not simile', but I think you've got it right.

This one will linger for a bit. Loved it.

- Neil.

[contains deet]

A bit of social commentary, right on!

I liked the humour and your use of colloquial language, proper good that was.

Not quite sure what the "two hopes" relate to? and if they don't relate to anything within the poem then I'd say they are superfluous and need changing.

Nice one
CD

[contains deet]

Ooops, sorry about the 3 posts, things went weird!

How do I delete them?