My India - I

[arunansu]

Edit:
An ascetic observes
the silhouette of a cart-puller
against a crimson sky.

A nascent glow illumines grass tips,
fluttering wings of dragonflies. It’s time
for his holy dip in the nearby river.
Birds are waiting to be fed.




Original version:
An ascetic observes
the silhouette of a cart-puller
against a crimson sky. A nascent
glow illumines grass tips, fluttering wings
of dragonflies. It’s time for his holy dip
in the nearby river. Birds are waiting
to be fed.

[nar]

Hi, Aru.

Another nice write, friend.

The words work very well, but I'm not sure the structure works quite so well.

The line breaks seem a little 'off', compared to your normal pieces.

Don't get me wrong, it's very good, and it's very 'Aru', but there's something slightly amiss about the structure to my eye.

^_^

- Neil.

[arunansu]

No prob, I can add a line break, but I don't want one here! Smiles. Let's see what I can change. Lol.

Maybe :

An ascetic observes
the silhouette of a cart-puller
against a crimson sky.

A nascent glow illumines grass tips,
fluttering wings of dragonflies. It’s time
for his holy dip in the nearby river.
Birds are waiting to be fed.

? Any better?

[nar]

Yep, that's better on my eye, Aru.

Keep 'em coming.

- Neil.

[arunansu]

Thanks Neil. Smiles.

[Lovely]

Repect you so much. Nice one. Great poets are born not made. Broken
and empty without care . Take care and be you Aru.

Please again you .

[arunansu]

Thank you Lovely. I shall try to be myself, especially when the subject deals with 'my India'. A special feeling creeps in while writing on such topics. I had been waiting for months to get the lines. And today, I wrote them both together. Thanks to Neil, the line break surely helped. And thanks to you too, for the time and replying.

[Cryptic Cadence]

I think this is a really good start to what could be a great poem. I'm not sure why you split it up in to three different "My India"'s ~ I like the first and second one's a lot. I certainly think the first poem could definitely be extended because the second one doesn't really flow from it.

I've lived in India, so your expressions did awaken some memories, especially in the first one.

[arunansu]

Thanks CC. They are like different snapshots. They signify our inherent spiritualism, verdancy and philosophical quest. They each must have a different setting. Thank you.

[Cryptic Cadence]

Arunansu, fair enough. Keep them coming, I like the imagery you bring with these poems, it has me wanting to read more!