A very thought-provoking piece that although it may seem disjointed or unfocused- with a little bit of consideration and time to absorb the scattered ideas and intentions, it all begins to fit into a cohesive whole. I think it would be a crying shame if the reader tries to bring the spirit of Christmas, because I believe that you are simply using Christmas as a setting; a place rather than just a mere event.
"reproach my innocence
didactic bible maker-
never once did you pause"
This stanza really hit me because of how profound it is to use to seemingly contradictory connotations of a bible-maker and didacticism- the science of teaching.
I am not particularly sure about this section: "splitting my atoms would wipe your slate clean
tape it up"
The line-break didn't work very well here at all; perhaps a comma after 'clean' would make the transition work a bit better.
Another thing is I didn't really like the lack of punctuation here. You do use it, but you seem to use it randomly, seemingly. My advice is, either don't use it or use it consistently.
I might be back later, but as for right now, I really like this.
Purging Christmas
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John G
- Preponderant Poster
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- Joined: Thu Jan 17, 2008 3:36 pm
- antispam: no
- Location: London born and bred now resident of West Yorkshire
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Wowzers!! And the wowzers isn’t directed at the poem, it’s direct at the rest of the threads that have followed.
However after scanning and skipping through what appeared to be diatribe on something, I noticed the answer Dante questions seems to have been overlooked I.e.
“BTW welcome to PG might be worth you having a quick scan of the rules in respect of posting more than one poem per day.
Hope you enjoy working here”
Anyways the poem, some lines I enjoyed:
now i race under the waves
iron lungs and cut off tongue
i would capitulate in pieces
can’t say I’m 100% sure wahts its; about but it was an ok read. Er that’s it
and welcome!
However after scanning and skipping through what appeared to be diatribe on something, I noticed the answer Dante questions seems to have been overlooked I.e.
“BTW welcome to PG might be worth you having a quick scan of the rules in respect of posting more than one poem per day.
Hope you enjoy working here”
Anyways the poem, some lines I enjoyed:
now i race under the waves
iron lungs and cut off tongue
i would capitulate in pieces
can’t say I’m 100% sure wahts its; about but it was an ok read. Er that’s it
and welcome!
After one look at this planet any visitor from outer space would say 'I want to see the manager.
-
John G
- Preponderant Poster
- Posts: 826
- Joined: Thu Jan 17, 2008 3:36 pm
- antispam: no
- Location: London born and bred now resident of West Yorkshire
- Contact:
Wowzers!! And the wowzers isn’t directed at the poem, it’s direct at the rest of the threads that have followed.
However after scanning and skipping through what appeared to be diatribe on something, I noticed the answer Dante questions seems to have been overlooked I.e.
“BTW welcome to PG might be worth you having a quick scan of the rules in respect of posting more than one poem per day.
Hope you enjoy working here”
Anyways the poem, some lines I enjoyed:
now i race under the waves
iron lungs and cut off tongue
i would capitulate in pieces
can’t say I’m 100% sure wahts its; about but it was an ok read. Er that’s it
and welcome!
However after scanning and skipping through what appeared to be diatribe on something, I noticed the answer Dante questions seems to have been overlooked I.e.
“BTW welcome to PG might be worth you having a quick scan of the rules in respect of posting more than one poem per day.
Hope you enjoy working here”
Anyways the poem, some lines I enjoyed:
now i race under the waves
iron lungs and cut off tongue
i would capitulate in pieces
can’t say I’m 100% sure wahts its; about but it was an ok read. Er that’s it
and welcome!
After one look at this planet any visitor from outer space would say 'I want to see the manager.
-
danaleekss
- Posts: 41
- Joined: Sat Aug 28, 2010 11:16 pm
- Location: St, Paul, MN
- Contact:
I did apologize for missing the one poem per day rule, of which I went and re-scanned the rules...somehow that post didn't show up or I failed to submit it correctly.
Hi Suzanne,
Regarding the age comment it was about the time I spend with my children and considering the special needs. It's a matter of how much time I have to devote to things. I love to hear when older people learn something out of character for their age group. And I thank you for the welcome. You know, I believe that people who have conflicts can achieve an even greater level of connection, given the fact that they triggered something they needed to heal inside themselves, and the relationship is a challenge that can ultimately end in people being more fulfilled, more wise, stronger. I won't connect with many who didn't feel the need to respond. You did, and that means something. [And in this respect fighting/arguing means you care to work towards a goal of connection, people get caught up with their defenses and that leads to running (usually for men) and overly responding to emotions (for women] I do see how you pulled that validation out of thin air for me and that was very caring. The general rule is even if you validate a negative (as in, wow you're great at making me respond wildly to you) ...that is still a validation!
But it will not come by any other way but by proving (through your writing) that you believe in what you are talking about>>
Like I said, one day I'm dramatic and would risk many things for an overt social cause - the next day I will be less motivated, lol. I can't change that, just work around it. I believe in things passionately, but not all the time. The value in sublimation through arts is to help cope one day and the next to bring you to a higher level.
best to put it in the Poetry Discussion section of the board.>> Wow, thank you for the tips and feedback, and this to everyone who responded. I appreciate it!
You will not find it easy. >> baptism by fire....we always stood around in nursing when the grades came up and wondered who would fall apart next and quit.
play the game by the rules>> and see, this is where my chaos adds value. overly orderly leads to stagnation. too many rules can be rigid - so, we add dynamic because I need more structure and some need to let go a little. I will honor the rules in a reasonable fashion and will most likely challenge you to accept a little craziness.
Well, I'd state that it's not purely subjective>>
No, of course not. I was just relating how positive changes occur on the scale of 7 positive affirmations to one criticism - otherwise people throw up a defense. You can't impact anyone that way, especially a new learner. That might be helpful for this forum to understand as I can already see people have gone overboard on the negatives which push others away. It's not a matter of inner fortitude, that is how it is. People who are healthier tend to take it in more and are more vulnerable - I see admitted weakness as a strength! Because people are facing their emotional response instead of repressing it which these things bubble up over time and are tied to illness. Many, many artists are really unhappy. I think of Sylvia Plath and how fabulous she is, but even in her best work she was dying. She needed the basics, essential selfless love, from the closest around her. Her husband was having affairs, she was unable to overcome that as a deeply emotional person. (exaggerated emotions from the bipolar illness she had)
In that vein, I go in between stages of sensitivity and being insensitive depending on the chemicals in my head (which are indeed influenced by our choices and the world)...this even happens with tactile sensory, smell - one day my joints are killing me, the next, I can't feel offended by someone who berates me. That's a really difficult thing to overcome. So the challenge is to learn to manage the sensitivities, which also include impacting the world to interact with you in a healthier way. Dynamically people are more successful if both sides are working toward the same goal, and giving consideration to that is indeed also your responsibility. You can't just say someone is too sensitive, and people that swing need to announce how they are that day, so people know to back off, or move in.
Listen more than you speak.>> I debated erasing what I wrote right now but settled on making a commitment to honor this genuine bit of advice in the near future. I do a lot of listening, but understand rapport.
Hi Suzanne,
Regarding the age comment it was about the time I spend with my children and considering the special needs. It's a matter of how much time I have to devote to things. I love to hear when older people learn something out of character for their age group. And I thank you for the welcome. You know, I believe that people who have conflicts can achieve an even greater level of connection, given the fact that they triggered something they needed to heal inside themselves, and the relationship is a challenge that can ultimately end in people being more fulfilled, more wise, stronger. I won't connect with many who didn't feel the need to respond. You did, and that means something. [And in this respect fighting/arguing means you care to work towards a goal of connection, people get caught up with their defenses and that leads to running (usually for men) and overly responding to emotions (for women] I do see how you pulled that validation out of thin air for me and that was very caring. The general rule is even if you validate a negative (as in, wow you're great at making me respond wildly to you) ...that is still a validation!
But it will not come by any other way but by proving (through your writing) that you believe in what you are talking about>>
Like I said, one day I'm dramatic and would risk many things for an overt social cause - the next day I will be less motivated, lol. I can't change that, just work around it. I believe in things passionately, but not all the time. The value in sublimation through arts is to help cope one day and the next to bring you to a higher level.
best to put it in the Poetry Discussion section of the board.>> Wow, thank you for the tips and feedback, and this to everyone who responded. I appreciate it!
You will not find it easy. >> baptism by fire....we always stood around in nursing when the grades came up and wondered who would fall apart next and quit.
play the game by the rules>> and see, this is where my chaos adds value. overly orderly leads to stagnation. too many rules can be rigid - so, we add dynamic because I need more structure and some need to let go a little. I will honor the rules in a reasonable fashion and will most likely challenge you to accept a little craziness.
Well, I'd state that it's not purely subjective>>
No, of course not. I was just relating how positive changes occur on the scale of 7 positive affirmations to one criticism - otherwise people throw up a defense. You can't impact anyone that way, especially a new learner. That might be helpful for this forum to understand as I can already see people have gone overboard on the negatives which push others away. It's not a matter of inner fortitude, that is how it is. People who are healthier tend to take it in more and are more vulnerable - I see admitted weakness as a strength! Because people are facing their emotional response instead of repressing it which these things bubble up over time and are tied to illness. Many, many artists are really unhappy. I think of Sylvia Plath and how fabulous she is, but even in her best work she was dying. She needed the basics, essential selfless love, from the closest around her. Her husband was having affairs, she was unable to overcome that as a deeply emotional person. (exaggerated emotions from the bipolar illness she had)
In that vein, I go in between stages of sensitivity and being insensitive depending on the chemicals in my head (which are indeed influenced by our choices and the world)...this even happens with tactile sensory, smell - one day my joints are killing me, the next, I can't feel offended by someone who berates me. That's a really difficult thing to overcome. So the challenge is to learn to manage the sensitivities, which also include impacting the world to interact with you in a healthier way. Dynamically people are more successful if both sides are working toward the same goal, and giving consideration to that is indeed also your responsibility. You can't just say someone is too sensitive, and people that swing need to announce how they are that day, so people know to back off, or move in.
Listen more than you speak.>> I debated erasing what I wrote right now but settled on making a commitment to honor this genuine bit of advice in the near future. I do a lot of listening, but understand rapport.
-
danaleekss
- Posts: 41
- Joined: Sat Aug 28, 2010 11:16 pm
- Location: St, Paul, MN
- Contact:
eader tries to bring the spirit of Christmas, because I believe that you are simply using Christmas as a setting; a place rather than just a mere event.>>Mulbery wrote:A very thought-provoking piece that although it may seem disjointed or unfocused- with a little bit of consideration and time to absorb the scattered ideas and intentions, it all begins to fit into a cohesive whole. I think it would be a crying shame if the reader tries to bring the spirit of Christmas, because I believe that you are simply using Christmas as a setting; a place rather than just a mere event.
"reproach my innocence
didactic bible maker-
never once did you pause"
This stanza really hit me because of how profound it is to use to seemingly contradictory connotations of a bible-maker and didacticism- the science of teaching.
I am not particularly sure about this section: "splitting my atoms would wipe your slate clean
tape it up"
The line-break didn't work very well here at all; perhaps a comma after 'clean' would make the transition work a bit better.
Another thing is I didn't really like the lack of punctuation here. You do use it, but you seem to use it randomly, seemingly. My advice is, either don't use it or use it consistently.
I might be back later, but as for right now, I really like this.
Interestingly, I am actually attacking the whole religion. Growing up, my dad had bipolar (can I say it even more...geez I don't mean to sound like I need special treatment, really) -- my family, very religious but in different ways. I was told that my dad was possessed and it was passed to me, when my grandma died I stayed with her for days as the other people were too weak - and when she died, my aunt exclaimed 'but you'll never see her again, doesn't that bother you?" We were the black sheep - no one came to our weddings or birthdays. The 'good' cousins were showered - to make things worse, they totally invalidated actual treatments and tried to push prayer instead. It's okay to do that for mental illness, but if we tried to only pray in the face of meningitis, they wouldn't dare even say that . It was very, very damaging in the name of 'goodness'. My whole philosophy on life surrounds these protective delusions people employ while facing something they can't understand or manage. I won't stand by and watch people like me suffer -I stand in the way of it.
Didactic.. yes, I know it has a positive inflection - but is this cultural because the way I've mostly heard it used means overly instructive to the point of becoming painful.
Great feedback, I agree with all these other points. To clarify, I am not opposed to learning traditional ways of art - I may not be the best learner if it's overly instructive and it doesn't foster relationships - you can be a great poet and you could be terribly lonely at the same time.
Have a great day....will stop by again and just read and give comments. I probably won't write again until I've picked some things up!!