Questions of the eclipse. Version Two

[John G]

Version Two

We waited along
with everyone else,
heads craned upwards
as if connected by
invisible thread to the clouds.

I wore a welder’s mask.

I still taste running sweat that
traced invisible salty streaks
down skin through stubble that was waiting
for a beard to form outside.

Waiting I noticed some had darkened Perspex
others gentled cradled homemade
camera obscuras, waiting.
Looking up

for the world to be pitched into
sunless beauty.

Some whooped with joy,
others stood with their
mouths hanging open.

But what if the sun
failed to reappear
and an evil mist hovered over all

How long would it take
before all the vegetation dies?
Before fish float to the surface, bloated
Dead. How soon would it be
before we began to eat each other?





Version One
We waited along
with everyone else,
heads craned upwards
as if connected by
invisible thread to the clouds.

I wore a welder’s mask.

I still taste running sweat that
traced an invisible salty streak down skin
and through stubble that was waiting
for a beard to form outside.

We waited and some had darkened Perspex
others gently cradled homemade
camera obscuras waiting,
looking up

for the world to be pitched into
sunless beauty.


Some whooped with joy,
others stood with an o as their
mouths opened in awe but what if the sun
failed to reappear
and an evil mist hovered over all*

How long would it take
before all the vegetation dies?
Before fish float to the service, bloated
Dead. How soon would it be
before we began to eat each other?

Would future generations talk
about us
like we were dinosaurs?

____

* this lines is borrowed The Odyssey by Homer.
“and the Sun has perished
out of heaven,
and an evil mist hovers over all”

[Nash]

Hi John, I enjoyed this as usual.

Should line 5 read 'threads' instead of 'thread'? I realise that grammatically it could probably be read either way, but I stumbled on it a little as it is.

I wore a welder’s mask.

This is just a hilarious line, brilliant, one of those quirky details that make your poems unique.

I still taste running sweat that
traced an invisible salty streak down skin
and through stubble that was waiting
for a beard to form outside.

I'm not sure that this verse is working too well for me, it doesn't seem to fit somehow. I realise that you may need something in between the welder's mask and the perspex lines to separate them but I'm not sure of the relevance of the beard.

How long would it take
before all the vegetation dies?
Before fish float to the service, bloated
Dead. How soon would it be
before we began to eat each other?

I really like the turn here, from innocent wonder to bleak savagery. Reminds me of The Road by Cormac McCarthy. Personally I think that the poem could end here, the last few lines with the comparison to dinosaurs seems a little weak compared to the previous verse.

Great stuff, really enjoyed it.

[brianedwards]

Good stuff John, enjoyed this. Good feedback from Nash too.
Reminds me of one of my own I've been meaning to revisit: Eclipsed


B.

[Suzanne]

Hi John,

This reminded me of the movie "October Skies", maybe because of the heads looking up in a group. I also thought the welder's mask line was interesting and added to the feel of the poem. I also enjoyed the voice of the N. It felt a little like you were talking over a table in a diner, just telling a story, relating events and feelings. Felt very sincere.

I also enjoyed

"others stood with an o as their
mouths opened in awe"

I could picture that, too. There is an innocence about that line. I like it.

Suzanne

[David]

Really good, Johnnie G. I pretty much agree with everything Nash said, especially regarding the welder's mask and the ending.

Cheers

David

[Arian]

Ah, that's more like it (I've come straight from your Caribou piece)!. This one has your usual typos (e.g. ....float to the service...), but is much fresher, more exciting in its concept and execution. To me anyway.

We'll put aside it's slightly odd logic (if the scenario you paint actually happened, there would be no future generations to talk about us. Or am I missing something?). I very much liked the idea, and the expression (especially in the first half - yes, the welder's mask is great).

I have afew nits, but I won't go through them, except that

others stood with an o as their
mouths opened in awe but what if the sun
failed to reappear

is overcooking the image to me. If they're standing with an O, then they have their mouths open. Don't need to spell it out.


others stood with an O. But what if the sun
failed to reappear

would be cleaner and stronger for me.

Anyway, good stuff.

Cheers
peter

(PS - don't think you have to acknowldedge the Homer ref - it's allusive, just leave it to the reader).

[Raincoat]

Hi John

at first the "head craned" line brought back memories of your cranes poem, this one feels dynamic through the use of descriptions which feel accessible yet there is so much to take from it, some of the descriptions i love - the outisde beard and the welder's mask. only thought that S2 l2 - the skin bit doesn't sound right?

[John G]

Once again, thanks for all feedback.

Nash / Arian as always valuble feedback. The beard / sweat bit was just to highlight the point it was bloody hot in the welders mask (yep it's another truish story ) and I do recall the salty sweat on my top lip. And the bit about the dinosaur - I know what I was intending however, as Arian points out if you follow the basic premise then there should be no future generations to think about as dinosaurs so that whole part will go be gone in version 2.


And Arian, service instead of surface!!! thansk for pointing it out!

Brian - thanks for the link to a better poem

and everyone else, thanks for the feedback.

[KevJ]

There is something magical about an eclipse and you've captured that mix of feelings between awe and a primeval sense of unease that persists in us all even in the 21st century. Lovely stuff.

[Denis Joe]

Some whooped with joy,
others stood with their
mouths hanging open.

John I like this a lot. It shows an innate feel for structure and melody. You build things up well and there is no sense of forcing the reader into your world but into the poem's world. And that is good.

That said, I think the stanza above conflicts with the rest of the poem and it might read better without it (rather than replacing it). You might also want to think about doing away with punctuation. You can let the line breaks do their work I feel

I have to admit that after a long while opposing the non-use of punctuation, I have recently come around to the idea that in some poems it just is superflous.

[Arian]

Hi John

Definitley an improvement over v1, though now I think you may be over-writing the last stanza. I'm not a minimalist by nature, but on this occasion, I think it woud be stronger to have:



But what if the sun
failed to reappear
and an evil mist hovered over all?
How long would it be
before we began to eat each other?


I'm not sure about "evil mist", either. A bit hammer horror.

Still, it's getting there. Nice piece.
peter

[arunansu]

John, you have aptly captured the atmosphere. The long wait, and your musings at the end. Enjoyed. Smiles.

[John G]

Peter,

Like the minimalist ending - but would it convey the message?

Maybe I could be short of minimalist:

How long would it take
before fish float to the surface,
How soon would it be
before we began to eat each other?

and yes, in context the mist line is a bit hammy / hammer house. Will reconsider.

once again - yoru inout is always