Broken Clock
The broken clock,
a tick-less tock.
The moment when
the levers lock.
The gong-less chime
with worthless time,
its rusty frame
long past its prime.
The frozen hands
like statues stand,
Its aging dial
can’t smile unmanned.
The haggard face
has lost the race,
Its fractured parts
you can’t replace.
And that’s the way
the clock will stay.
It tells the truth
two times a day
Broken Clock
Hello Pete
I can't comment on the meter since I am not good at it, I do still have some suggestions. What I like is tick a tock and as I understand clock still works so when you say it's frozen you contradict yourself, especially in the end it still announces time. Then I don't understand how it can say truth if it's broken. Also face lost it's race sounds weird, I know clock hands and race can not be too far ofg, but because you speak of face would not grace be better?
Have you tried to not rhyme? You would have more liberty for your imagination and images.
Thank you for sharing.
Nino
I can't comment on the meter since I am not good at it, I do still have some suggestions. What I like is tick a tock and as I understand clock still works so when you say it's frozen you contradict yourself, especially in the end it still announces time. Then I don't understand how it can say truth if it's broken. Also face lost it's race sounds weird, I know clock hands and race can not be too far ofg, but because you speak of face would not grace be better?
Have you tried to not rhyme? You would have more liberty for your imagination and images.
Thank you for sharing.
Nino
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Nash
Hello Pete,
Good choice of rythm here, the iambic dimeter reflecting the lost ticking of the clock, very good.
Couple of bits seem a little forced to fit the rhyme though in my opinion, 'a tick-less tock' being one of them, surely if you're tick-less you wouldn't have a tock either. 'The haggard face / has lost the race' is the other, just doesn't seem to fit somehow.
I definitely disagree with nino's comment about the rhyme, I would say it's essential in a piece like this and you've mostly handled it very well.
And nino, if a clock has stopped then time still carries on without it and the clock will still say the same time twice a day.
Good choice of rythm here, the iambic dimeter reflecting the lost ticking of the clock, very good.
Couple of bits seem a little forced to fit the rhyme though in my opinion, 'a tick-less tock' being one of them, surely if you're tick-less you wouldn't have a tock either. 'The haggard face / has lost the race' is the other, just doesn't seem to fit somehow.
I definitely disagree with nino's comment about the rhyme, I would say it's essential in a piece like this and you've mostly handled it very well.
And nino, if a clock has stopped then time still carries on without it and the clock will still say the same time twice a day.
Exactly what I was thinking. They can't keep us pedants down, eh, Nash?Nash wrote:Couple of bits seem a little forced to fit the rhyme though in my opinion, 'a tick-less tock' being one of them, surely if you're tick-less you wouldn't have a tock either.
David
Since I don't have a pm, I have no choice but to address you here. This is not a first time you spoke of me indirectly. When stating that you disagree with me you are dismissing opinion offered by me to the writer. I merely gave him a suggestion and I think he can decide what to take on board. We are all grown us here and can decide for ourselves. I personally dislike rhyme, it may be wrong but I am entitled to offer my opinion without third person diminishing what I say.
Thank you
Nino
Since I don't have a pm, I have no choice but to address you here. This is not a first time you spoke of me indirectly. When stating that you disagree with me you are dismissing opinion offered by me to the writer. I merely gave him a suggestion and I think he can decide what to take on board. We are all grown us here and can decide for ourselves. I personally dislike rhyme, it may be wrong but I am entitled to offer my opinion without third person diminishing what I say.
Thank you
Nino
It wasn't me, Nino. Read it again. And I don't see anything wrong with what he (Nash) said anyway. It's not remotely disrespectful.Nino wrote:David
Since I don't have a pm, I have no choice but to address you here. This is not a first time you spoke of me indirectly. When stating that you disagree with me you are dismissing opinion offered by me to the writer. I merely gave him a suggestion and I think he can decide what to take on board. We are all grown us here and can decide for ourselves. I personally dislike rhyme, it may be wrong but I am entitled to offer my opinion without third person diminishing what I say.
Thank you
Nino
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Nash
Nino,
Yes, it was me that made that comment. Sorry if I offended you, it was not intentional. However, seeing some of your other posts it seems as though you get offended quite easily, I will bare that in mind for the future.
I was discussing with Pete the use of rhyme in his poem, I disagreed with your opinion on his use of rhyme. Are you really suggesting that you are allowed to have an opinion and I am not? Pete now has two opinions on his use of rhyme and he is free to choose between them or to completely disregard both of us, and I really wouldn't blame him if he did disregard us after having a petty argument on his thread.
Sorry Pete!
Yes, it was me that made that comment. Sorry if I offended you, it was not intentional. However, seeing some of your other posts it seems as though you get offended quite easily, I will bare that in mind for the future.
I was discussing with Pete the use of rhyme in his poem, I disagreed with your opinion on his use of rhyme. Are you really suggesting that you are allowed to have an opinion and I am not? Pete now has two opinions on his use of rhyme and he is free to choose between them or to completely disregard both of us, and I really wouldn't blame him if he did disregard us after having a petty argument on his thread.
Sorry Pete!
David I apologise that is why I should not post while my baby is still awake 
Nash I don't get offended easily and you can have your opinion, I just think dismissing other poster's opinion us not nice that's all.
Let's just leave it, I will not counter comment because we can go on for a while: )
Nash I don't get offended easily and you can have your opinion, I just think dismissing other poster's opinion us not nice that's all.
Let's just leave it, I will not counter comment because we can go on for a while: )
No worries, Nino, and Nash is really a lovely chap too. He wasn't dismissing your opinion, just offering a different one - and not disrespectfully, as I said.
We're all going to get along just fine.
Cheers
David
We're all going to get along just fine.
Cheers
David
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rantingpete
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Thanks everyone for your comments. No apologies needed for the debate, I'm enjoying my threads being hijacked.
I agree with Nash about rhyme being essential in this piece and the meter had to be exact because of the content of the poem. The 2nd and 4th stanza's could be improved (or even removed!).
I know 'tick-less tock' doesn't sound right but I quite like the 'nonsense verse' vibe it has.
Thanks
Pete
I agree with Nash about rhyme being essential in this piece and the meter had to be exact because of the content of the poem. The 2nd and 4th stanza's could be improved (or even removed!).
I know 'tick-less tock' doesn't sound right but I quite like the 'nonsense verse' vibe it has.
Thanks
Pete
Hi P
Iambic diameter is very rare and difficult to accent correctly.
I could argue a lot of your feet to be more a mix of pyrrhics, with a few second foot trochaic substitutions added, rather than straight iambs. But to do so is pointless due to regional dialect.
enjoyed none the less.
M
Iambic diameter is very rare and difficult to accent correctly.
I could argue a lot of your feet to be more a mix of pyrrhics, with a few second foot trochaic substitutions added, rather than straight iambs. But to do so is pointless due to regional dialect.
enjoyed none the less.
M
Wow.... thats a poem in itself...... I think!Meesha wrote: I could argue a lot of your feet
to be more a mix of pyrrhics,
with a few second foot
trochaic substitutions added,
rather than straight iambs.
But to do so is pointless
due to regional dialect.
The broken clock,
a tick-less tock.
........How about, "no tick, no tock."
The moment when
the levers lock.
The gong-less chime
with worthless time,
its rusty frame
.........I might use the word "The", or "Its" in both of these lines.
long past its prime.
The frozen hands
like statues stand,
Its aging dial
........ditto....
can’t smile unmanned.
The haggard face
has lost the race,
Its fractured parts
........and again....
you can’t replace.
And that’s the way
the clock will stay.
It tells the truth
two times a day
..... how about "to tell the truth"?
Something to think about perhaps. I like the rhyme,..... but don't I always?
"Poetry's unnat'ral; no man ever talked poetry 'cept a beadle on boxin' day, or Warren's blackin' or Rowland's oil, or some o' them low fellows; never you let yourself down to talk poetry, my boy." C. Dickens
Hahahaha
Yep, you're right, S. Seems I've my pyrrhic/trochaic and trochee ears on backwards more often than not. But that is why the form is so rare I too suspect. Even more rare though is the monometer which, I've been lucky enough to witness at another site as it used all the accentual substitutions... the author had been working on it for four years or so.
My apology, RP.
M
Ps: just out of curiosity
The bro/ken clock,
a tick-less tock.
The mom/ent when
the le/vers lock.
The gong-less chime
with worth/less time,
its rus/ty frame
long past its prime.
The fro/zen hands
like stat/ues stand,
Its a/ging dial
can’t smile un/manned.
The hag/gard face
has lost the race,
Its frac/tured parts
you can’t re/place.
And that’s the way
the clock will stay.
It tells the truth
two times a day
Yep, you're right, S. Seems I've my pyrrhic/trochaic and trochee ears on backwards more often than not. But that is why the form is so rare I too suspect. Even more rare though is the monometer which, I've been lucky enough to witness at another site as it used all the accentual substitutions... the author had been working on it for four years or so.
My apology, RP.
M
Ps: just out of curiosity
The bro/ken clock,
a tick-less tock.
The mom/ent when
the le/vers lock.
The gong-less chime
with worth/less time,
its rus/ty frame
long past its prime.
The fro/zen hands
like stat/ues stand,
Its a/ging dial
can’t smile un/manned.
The hag/gard face
has lost the race,
Its frac/tured parts
you can’t re/place.
And that’s the way
the clock will stay.
It tells the truth
two times a day
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rantingpete
- Productive Poster
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Thanks Meesha and sandbanx, you have certainly given me something to think about here. I'm not very knowledgeable on formats but I'm going to read up on it so thanks Meesha.
Sandbanx - I totally agree with you about the overuse of 'the' and 'its'. I struggled to find alternative words when writing this piece and even contemplated cutting a verse or two out so that those 2 words didn't appear so overused.
Thanks again to you both.
Pete
Sandbanx - I totally agree with you about the overuse of 'the' and 'its'. I struggled to find alternative words when writing this piece and even contemplated cutting a verse or two out so that those 2 words didn't appear so overused.
Thanks again to you both.
Pete
Oh I am not so sure they are overused Pete, I meant to suggest that you use either "the", or "it's" but not both.rantingpete wrote:
Sandbanx - I totally agree with you about the overuse of 'the' and 'its'. I struggled to find alternative words when writing this piece and even contemplated cutting a verse or two out so that those 2 words didn't appear so overused.
Such as:
The gong-less chime
with worthless time,
The rusty frame
long past its prime.
Meesha, If I had a nickel every time this happened to me......Meesha wrote:Seems I've my pyrrhic/trochaic and trochee ears on backwards
Like your idea for the poem.
"Poetry's unnat'ral; no man ever talked poetry 'cept a beadle on boxin' day, or Warren's blackin' or Rowland's oil, or some o' them low fellows; never you let yourself down to talk poetry, my boy." C. Dickens
S... One get's so dizzy with accent, HUH? lol
You ought to call yourself sandbox btw
RP: with such short lines to accent, especially in iambics, you'll find it difficult not to use pronouns or fillers as they call them nowadays. And besides that, it's a damn fine attempt.
M
You ought to call yourself sandbox btw
RP: with such short lines to accent, especially in iambics, you'll find it difficult not to use pronouns or fillers as they call them nowadays. And besides that, it's a damn fine attempt.
M
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rantingpete
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Thanks Meesha and sandbanx....
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Richardthelionheart
- Posts: 49
- Joined: Tue Oct 05, 2010 5:52 pm
Hi Pete, I'm a newbie, so you're my first attempt at a critique. I like this poem, good subject, style and structure. I like 'tick-less tock', it rolls off the tongue well, and helps re-inforce the 'broken' theme. And I don't think you need remove any stanzas, it works well and the rhyme is good! Here's my criticism, looks a lot, but it's just the little things. In stanza 1, I would prefer this to be more 'list-like', as in putting comma's at the ends of lines 1 and 2,then changing the first word in line 3 from 'the' to 'that'. I think it would be stronger. Similarly in stanza 2, tho here I would change several words. At line 2 change 'with' with 'it's',and in line 3 replace 'it's rusty' with 'corroded'. Stanza 3 is Ok, except in my view changing the word 'dial' to 'face' would be better, and then changing the first word in stanza 4 'that', would help with the over use of 'face'. Finally, I'm struggling with the last verse. Perhaps it would read easier:
But that's the way
the clock will stay
telling the truth
still, twice a day.
- Or perhaps omitting the last 2 lines altogether and leaving it open ended... Hope I haven't been too over critical, as I said I like it. Thanks for sharing, Lionheart
But that's the way
the clock will stay
telling the truth
still, twice a day.
- Or perhaps omitting the last 2 lines altogether and leaving it open ended... Hope I haven't been too over critical, as I said I like it. Thanks for sharing, Lionheart
I liked this poem quite a lot. I really think the idea is good, and the rhythm works in a good way, giving the sort of 'tick tock' impression of a clock. I think the rhyming also adds to this. I loved the last stanza!
Just a note for improvement - I agree that some of the rhymes were a little forced. Could you do something more intruiging with the title?
Lily
Just a note for improvement - I agree that some of the rhymes were a little forced. Could you do something more intruiging with the title?
Lily
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rantingpete
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Thanks for the comments.
Lily - I think I could have done more with the title. I really didn't want to go down that line of its title being in the first line. In short, I couldn't think of anything that would fit. I'm open to suggestions.
Richard - I like 'tick-less tock' too. I understand that it doesn't make sense but in a way it does. I'm a fan of nonsense verse and sometimes it pops up in my work. Thanks for your suggestions. I think the first one was great, changing 'the' to 'that'. Much stronger. I wanted to keep it to 4 syllables per line and I did actually want to use the word corroded but the 3 syllables restricted me too much. Again, in my original piece I had 'aging face'. But dial is a difficult word to find rhymes to so I swapped them round. 'Aging face' makes more sense though even though it's cliched.
Again, with the last stanza I really wanted to portray the fact that the broken clock 'still tells the time twice a day' as you suggested. The key word is 'still'. I thought of:
It tells the time
Still twice a day
But that didn't quite make sense. I wanted the keep the first word on each line a one-syllable word as anything else would have spoilt the meter so using the line 'telling the truth' would have affected the flow.
Thanks again.
Pete
Lily - I think I could have done more with the title. I really didn't want to go down that line of its title being in the first line. In short, I couldn't think of anything that would fit. I'm open to suggestions.
Richard - I like 'tick-less tock' too. I understand that it doesn't make sense but in a way it does. I'm a fan of nonsense verse and sometimes it pops up in my work. Thanks for your suggestions. I think the first one was great, changing 'the' to 'that'. Much stronger. I wanted to keep it to 4 syllables per line and I did actually want to use the word corroded but the 3 syllables restricted me too much. Again, in my original piece I had 'aging face'. But dial is a difficult word to find rhymes to so I swapped them round. 'Aging face' makes more sense though even though it's cliched.
Again, with the last stanza I really wanted to portray the fact that the broken clock 'still tells the time twice a day' as you suggested. The key word is 'still'. I thought of:
It tells the time
Still twice a day
But that didn't quite make sense. I wanted the keep the first word on each line a one-syllable word as anything else would have spoilt the meter so using the line 'telling the truth' would have affected the flow.
Thanks again.
Pete