November Then

[lo-lee-ta]

November Then

Sail upon old memories of you
Dreaming your words like you always do
You were weightless then

Filling your heart with the magical old
Black sheep, the master, three bags sold
And he was running then

Delicate, grounding of skies
Loosening old weathered ties
And they were wishing then

A powdering of noise and orange spark
November fireflies cover the dark
I was hoping then

[gavin]

so you were in love with some one may be he was running from the law, a person who climbed high gates,, sitting alone kidnapped by thought,,

now you carry this weight of memory. you finish every stanza with (then) and the rhyme,

i liked it very much because the villain had an impact on you Gavin

[ray miller]

Has a pleasant wistfulness about it. I quite like the end lines finishing on "then".You have "old" in 1st, 2nd and 3rd verse."Sail upon memories of you" would do, as would "weather-worn ties"? I find all the pronouns you've used a bit difficult to keep track of! The nursery rhyme relevance is lost on me and "Delicate, grounding of skies" - it probably doesn't need the comma but even then I'm not sure what's meant. "A powdering of noise...." there's a great temptation to read noise as nose.

[David]

I could imagine Van Morrison singing this. Of course, you might not necessarily regard that as a good thing. Still, I like the lyrical simplicity of it, and the vaguely haunting repetition of "then" (as well as the three beats in those lines).

Cheers

David

[lo-lee-ta]

so you were in love with some one may be he was running from the law, a person who climbed high gates,, sitting alone kidnapped by thought,,

now you carry this weight of memory. you finish every stanza with (then) and the rhyme,

i liked it very much because the villain had an impact on you Gavin

Hi Gavin!

Thanks for taking the time to read my poem and comment. I'm really glad you liked it. I also like what you got from the poem, It was written with very little meaning to be honest, so i'm glad that somebody found some meaning in it! Thanks

[lo-lee-ta]

Has a pleasant wistfulness about it. I quite like the end lines finishing on "then".You have "old" in 1st, 2nd and 3rd verse."Sail upon memories of you" would do, as would "weather-worn ties"? I find all the pronouns you've used a bit difficult to keep track of! The nursery rhyme relevance is lost on me and "Delicate, grounding of skies" - it probably doesn't need the comma but even then I'm not sure what's meant. "A powdering of noise...." there's a great temptation to read noise as nose.

Hey Ray!
Lol, i didn't even realise I'd used 'old' so often, that is a little annoying now you've pointed it out. I'll re-jig it in a minute. Haha I can see the temptation of using 'nose' instead of 'noise', thats another thing i'll try and re-jig! It all just kind of comes out with very little meaning intended, hence the random addition of the nursery rhyme! Thanks a lot for taking the time to read and comment!

[lo-lee-ta]

I could imagine Van Morrison singing this. Of course, you might not necessarily regard that as a good thing. Still, I like the lyrical simplicity of it, and the vaguely haunting repetition of "then" (as well as the three beats in those lines).

Cheers

David

Hey David!
No, I like Van Morrison so I take that as a big compliment Thank you for your comments and for reading, its very much appreciated!