Lament to a TV
Solitary.
In our room.
There, mirrored bookends,
A threesome of books,
Two pillows,
Matching end tables,
a quartet of fish.
Even my drink is a double.
Then there’s just you.
And just me.
Do you mind
if I turn you on?
Lament to a TV
"Poetry's unnat'ral; no man ever talked poetry 'cept a beadle on boxin' day, or Warren's blackin' or Rowland's oil, or some o' them low fellows; never you let yourself down to talk poetry, my boy." C. Dickens
Ah, the TV is a good companion, I suppose? But can you communicate with it? Smiles. I love the innovation in your poem. Thanks.
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Ros
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Enjoyed this - despite the title, the ending is a surprise.
Ros
Ros
Rosencrantz: What are you playing at? Guildenstern: Words. Words. They're all we have to go on.
___________________________
Antiphon - www.antiphon.org.uk
___________________________
Antiphon - www.antiphon.org.uk
Me too. Liked this. It has a very melancholy ring to it which I enjoyed.
A few changes I'd suggest though. I'd lose the "there" from the third line, and expose more of the room in the rest of this stanza.
"Mirrored bookends,
A threesome of books,
Two pillows,
Matching end tables,
a quartet of fish."
A threesome of books and two pillows don't give me much of an image, whereas the other lines really do. Also I found the threesome off putting as it's quite clearly an intimate twosome. Not going to suggest changes as I can't quite get a feel of the room at the moment, also I'd probably make a dreadful mess of a decent thing.
Nicky B
A few changes I'd suggest though. I'd lose the "there" from the third line, and expose more of the room in the rest of this stanza.
"Mirrored bookends,
A threesome of books,
Two pillows,
Matching end tables,
a quartet of fish."
A threesome of books and two pillows don't give me much of an image, whereas the other lines really do. Also I found the threesome off putting as it's quite clearly an intimate twosome. Not going to suggest changes as I can't quite get a feel of the room at the moment, also I'd probably make a dreadful mess of a decent thing.
Nicky B
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ray miller
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It is good. I liked "even my drink is a double"and the ending is sublime.I wondered about the title, though, and whether something more neutral than lament might be better.
I'm out of faith and in my cups
I contemplate such bitter stuff.
I contemplate such bitter stuff.
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nar
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Hey, Sandbanx.
Yeah, I'll add praise here too.
A couple of small nits:
1. In S2 you use capitilisation on L1-L4, but not in L5.
which leads me to
2. The structure seems a bit 'fiddly'. I've tried writing these short pieces too, and I find that getting the structure right is both difficult and important. With so few words the line breaks, punctuation and spacing are all magnified. I think its the five lines of S2 followed by a single line that doesn't quite work for me.
Small nits though, in a most enjoyable little read.
Cheers,
- Neil.
Yeah, I'll add praise here too.
A couple of small nits:
1. In S2 you use capitilisation on L1-L4, but not in L5.
which leads me to
2. The structure seems a bit 'fiddly'. I've tried writing these short pieces too, and I find that getting the structure right is both difficult and important. With so few words the line breaks, punctuation and spacing are all magnified. I think its the five lines of S2 followed by a single line that doesn't quite work for me.
Small nits though, in a most enjoyable little read.
Cheers,
- Neil.
War does not determine who is right - only who is left. (Bertrand Russell)