Forever

[lo-lee-ta]

You were conscious of course, all that time gone by

Dreaming of falling and wishing to fly

Now its buried, weighted and knotted

Forever a little black box, dark December day

And you can’t force it away

With love, or unrelenting trust

For a key in the rain is bound to rust

[David]

Lo, this is nice but it seems to go off the rails a bit in the middle. I can get four beats to a line in lines 1-2 and 6-7, but in between you have a non-rhyming line and the rhythm disappears completely.

If you wanted to do anything to this, I would look at changing those bits.

Cheers

David

[ray miller]

I'd agree with David. It is an arresting start but the irregular rhythm and rhyme detract some. I wondered also if buried, weighted and knotted was the correct sequence, chronologically speaking.

[Annwn]

i like the idea...it needs a tinge of rue
to be a bit more flavoured
a sense of more things beneath
unsaid...[and could be longer]
i like snippets
like this

as if the day were more important
lost to something lesser known
and not quite well
pronounced
the feeling perfect come again then lost
to seeing sights and singing songs,
and lust that must be dealt with

[Richardthelionheart]

I agree. Lines 1-2 are very good IMO, and lines 6-7 are fine. I think it reads easier if you were to split line 4 into 2 lines - but still lines 3-4 would need work. - Out of interest, it seems when writing non-rhyme you can slip in the odd rhyme and its deemed acceptable. But for some reason you can't do it the other way round, without it being picked up on almost immediately. Thanks for sharing. Enjoyed. Lionheart.

[terriblefish]

I agree with Richard and David wholeheartedly, though I feel a little tweak here and there is all that is needed. I loved your alliteration in the first line, 'you were conscious, of course...' , and your choice of words. They're affirmative, absolute states, but with the past tense you've already created uncertainty. I enjoyed 'dark December day' also.The images it conjures by this point of the poem, coupled with how clumsy it feels in the mouth (as opposed to the clean, concise sound of 'conscious, of course') is an excellent contrast.

The image in the last line is also fantastic. The connotations of keys, rain, and rust are endless by this point but I feel you framed it beautifully.

Bravo.

[ARHarrison]

I enjoyed reading your poem. I love the sense of timing and rhythm you build in the first two lines, although I think it would flow more if you carried on this rhythm for another two lines before changing. I like how the lines 5 and 6 flow through each other to set up the final line, which paints a very clear picture of something that anyone can relate to. Adam

[lo-lee-ta]

Lo, this is nice but it seems to go off the rails a bit in the middle. I can get four beats to a line in lines 1-2 and 6-7, but in between you have a non-rhyming line and the rhythm disappears completely.

If you wanted to do anything to this, I would look at changing those bits.

Cheers

David

Hi David,
Thanks for reading my poem Yeah i see what you mean about the rhyming. I didn't intentionally use a certain amount of beats per line but can see the pattern now you mention it. I agree, it doesn't quite work with the non rhyming lines, i didn't give it much thought at the time but i wanted it to be stumbly and halted in the middle, to make it sound more harsh. This hasn't really worked and i'll have a go at re-doing it when i get a chance! Thanks again

[lo-lee-ta]

I'd agree with David. It is an arresting start but the irregular rhythm and rhyme detract some. I wondered also if buried, weighted and knotted was the correct sequence, chronologically speaking.

Hi Ray!

Thanks for reading, yes i agree that the irregular rhyming takes away from the poem. As i said above, i wanted it to sound quite harsh in the middle but i suppose this would have been better achieved by using rhyme and perhaps alliteration. I hadn't considered the funny ordering of buried, weighted and knotted but you're right. I guess it would be weighted, knotted and buried

Thanks again!

[lo-lee-ta]

i like the idea...it needs a tinge of rue
to be a bit more flavoured
a sense of more things beneath
unsaid...[and could be longer]
i like snippets
like this

as if the day were more important
lost to something lesser known
and not quite well
pronounced
the feeling perfect come again then lost
to seeing sights and singing songs,
and lust that must be dealt with

Hey Annwn,
Thanks for reading my poem
I agree the poem could be improved by the addition of something's unsaid, i think i will try to make it a little less obvious.
I also agree that it may be improved if lengthened. Thank you!

[lo-lee-ta]

I agree. Lines 1-2 are very good IMO, and lines 6-7 are fine. I think it reads easier if you were to split line 4 into 2 lines - but still lines 3-4 would need work. - Out of interest, it seems when writing non-rhyme you can slip in the odd rhyme and its deemed acceptable. But for some reason you can't do it the other way round, without it being picked up on almost immediately. Thanks for sharing. Enjoyed. Lionheart.

Hi Richard!
Yes, I see what you mean..it's much easier to slip a rhyme into a non-rhyming poem that it is the other way round. Perhaps its because a sudden non-rhyming line disturbs the flow of the poem and so is more noticeable to the reader?
Anywhooooo, i agree that i must work on lines 3 and 4 and when i get the opportunity i will go over it.
Thanks for taking the time to read!

[lo-lee-ta]

Hi terrible fish! ( Great username by the way)
Thanks very much for your comments and for taking the time to read! Yes I agree that lines 3and 4 could do with a re-jig so I'll set about doing that soon! I'm glad you liked my poem

[lo-lee-ta]

Hi Adam! Thanks for your comments. Yes I don't really know what I was thinking with the higgledy piggledy rhyming but certainly agree that it would flow better if a litte more consistent! Thanks for reading
Georgie