Layers of Loss
A simple request,
A blanket for a guest.
Tip toes to the top shelf.
A jumper once lent,
Flooding forth mortal scent.
Strips the skin from this tin.
Flaccid folds on floor,
Leaving candy cane core.
Balling eyes open dry.
Breathe.
Decorum pleads redress,
Restore hide’s cruel caress.
Hauling arms into arms.
Knees baggier,
Eyes and mouth saggier.
Delusion of armour.
Bear blanket to guest,
Lifting jumper to nest.
Tiptoes to the top shelf.
(I posted an instinctual version of this a couple of weeks ago (linen cupboard massacre), should probably have put it in drafts, sorry, an experiment on my part. Hoping this is better.)
Layers of Loss
Very lively language, Nicky, but I found the sense a bit difficult to follow. I get, I think, that you've gone to the cupboard to remove an item of clothing and you've discovered something that reminds you of a former lover - yes? And a little contemplation follows. I like all that, but on a line by line basis there are some oddities.
The main one that I don't like, which seems to be something lots of people do when they're starting out with poetry, because they've somehow picked up the idea that it's poetical, is the omission of articles, as in "Bear blanket to guest, / Lifting jumper to nest." There seem to be four a's or the's missing from that.
I do like the single word nestling right at the heart of the poem as well.
I hope that seems helpful. It's meant to be. I think you've got yourself a good subject for a poem, and more than a good start.
Cheers
David
The main one that I don't like, which seems to be something lots of people do when they're starting out with poetry, because they've somehow picked up the idea that it's poetical, is the omission of articles, as in "Bear blanket to guest, / Lifting jumper to nest." There seem to be four a's or the's missing from that.
I do like the single word nestling right at the heart of the poem as well.
I hope that seems helpful. It's meant to be. I think you've got yourself a good subject for a poem, and more than a good start.
Cheers
David
Thanks David,
That is really helpful. I tie myself up in knots about how much to give away. I either lay it all out which is dull, or hold too much back and nobody has a clue what I'm talking about.
You are right about the idea, the smell physically removing the skin (the tin being the person), then pulling themselves back together.
The "a"s are missing to make it fit into the rhythm scheme. More tying myself in knots over this. Argghhh.
So much to learn,
Thanks again,
Nicky B.
That is really helpful. I tie myself up in knots about how much to give away. I either lay it all out which is dull, or hold too much back and nobody has a clue what I'm talking about.
You are right about the idea, the smell physically removing the skin (the tin being the person), then pulling themselves back together.
The "a"s are missing to make it fit into the rhythm scheme. More tying myself in knots over this. Argghhh.
So much to learn,
Thanks again,
Nicky B.
If you don't mind, I wouldn't mind trying to get closer to this one. So ...
I'm not sure the idea of "this tin" as a person works very well.
What are you suggesting with "candy cane core"? That's a great phrase, but I don't know whether it refers to your essential sweetness, or vulnerability, or what.
And "balling eyes open dry" - what's going on there? You're not crying, but you want to?
"Hauling arms into arms" - are you putting the jumper on now?
It's a neat and well observed vignette. I'm probably trying to make it too prosaic for you.
Cheers
David
I'm not sure the idea of "this tin" as a person works very well.
What are you suggesting with "candy cane core"? That's a great phrase, but I don't know whether it refers to your essential sweetness, or vulnerability, or what.
And "balling eyes open dry" - what's going on there? You're not crying, but you want to?
"Hauling arms into arms" - are you putting the jumper on now?
It's a neat and well observed vignette. I'm probably trying to make it too prosaic for you.
Cheers
David
Don’t mind at all.
“Strip the skin from this tin” is meant to imply the scent is literally pulling the skin from the person. I’ve used tin to portray them as solid, but empty, hollow and echoing.
The skin falls to the persons feet leaving them literally peeled.
“Candy cane core” is meant to portray the red and white nerves and sinew, all laid bare, the persons core.
“Balling eyes open dry” without skin your eyes would be permanently peeled open, you couldn’t close them to shut out the unwanted, and despite wanting to you couldn’t cry (ie ball your eyes out, not sure if this is physiologically correct?). Also trying to push image of the eyeball bared, looking almost like a marble.
“Hauling arms into arms”. They are pulling their skin back on now, they have to. It’s the only meagre protection they have, and gives an illusion of normality, before they return to their guest.
Clearer? Hope so! Should I make it clearer when I rewrite? Thoughts much appreciated!
Nicky B
“Strip the skin from this tin” is meant to imply the scent is literally pulling the skin from the person. I’ve used tin to portray them as solid, but empty, hollow and echoing.
The skin falls to the persons feet leaving them literally peeled.
“Candy cane core” is meant to portray the red and white nerves and sinew, all laid bare, the persons core.
“Balling eyes open dry” without skin your eyes would be permanently peeled open, you couldn’t close them to shut out the unwanted, and despite wanting to you couldn’t cry (ie ball your eyes out, not sure if this is physiologically correct?). Also trying to push image of the eyeball bared, looking almost like a marble.
“Hauling arms into arms”. They are pulling their skin back on now, they have to. It’s the only meagre protection they have, and gives an illusion of normality, before they return to their guest.
Clearer? Hope so! Should I make it clearer when I rewrite? Thoughts much appreciated!
Nicky B
Egad! It's quite a shocking image, that, and one that I didn't get until you explained it. As you said yourself, it also appears in very similar form in one of Brian's poems recently. (Purge.) What an interesting Zeitgeist.
If you're prepared to work on this any longer, Nicky, I think you need to make the central image clearer (but not necessarily any more vivid!) in the poem for it to work. I was going on vaguely cuddly ideas of discarded pullovers. Not quite right.
Cheers
David
If you're prepared to work on this any longer, Nicky, I think you need to make the central image clearer (but not necessarily any more vivid!) in the poem for it to work. I was going on vaguely cuddly ideas of discarded pullovers. Not quite right.
Cheers
David
Thanks so much David,
So did you prefer it when you didn't undertsand it?
Could you give any clues how to make the
The first version of this was posted quite a while ago: "linen cupboard massacre". So i was also interested to see Brian's "Purge" posted after mine.
The idea was actually to distract with cuddley images, whilst meaning something else. A few people commented on the first version, and didn't get the image i was trying for, and this appealed to me. Ideally I'd like the reader to think "awww, that's sweet", but towards the end understand what I really mean, question it and reread it, and realise the candy cane they thought was sweet enough to lick was actually the persons insides etc. etc..
Gosh, that sounds really grim, but that was the vague plan. Only ever vague. however, I'm just learning by playing so far. Only poem number 3, perhaps I should keep things simpler?
Hmmm, sorry if it disturbed you!
Nicky B.
So did you prefer it when you didn't undertsand it?
Could you give any clues how to make the
I'm not sure of the difference between clear and vivid.central image clearer (but not necessarily any more vivid!)
The first version of this was posted quite a while ago: "linen cupboard massacre". So i was also interested to see Brian's "Purge" posted after mine.
The idea was actually to distract with cuddley images, whilst meaning something else. A few people commented on the first version, and didn't get the image i was trying for, and this appealed to me. Ideally I'd like the reader to think "awww, that's sweet", but towards the end understand what I really mean, question it and reread it, and realise the candy cane they thought was sweet enough to lick was actually the persons insides etc. etc..
Gosh, that sounds really grim, but that was the vague plan. Only ever vague. however, I'm just learning by playing so far. Only poem number 3, perhaps I should keep things simpler?
Hmmm, sorry if it disturbed you!
Nicky B.
Last edited by Nicky B on Tue Nov 23, 2010 10:33 am, edited 5 times in total.
Hi Nicky
I like a lot of the sounds in the poem but it feels a bit like the rhyming is overwhelming the short lines and through that method of writing the poem, maybe the clarity which I struggled to find got a bit lost on the way. That's just my impression which might not be how others see it and after all you know what you are aiming for.
Jjaz
I like a lot of the sounds in the poem but it feels a bit like the rhyming is overwhelming the short lines and through that method of writing the poem, maybe the clarity which I struggled to find got a bit lost on the way. That's just my impression which might not be how others see it and after all you know what you are aiming for.
Jjaz