Gravity

[Jjaz]

Gravity

Her hand manipulates its shaft
until an unfurled canopy
is stretched over sprung ribs
sheltering her bouffant locks.
Bright pinheads form on curves
of the taut, rain repellent skin.
She’s thinking of less dreary times
which appeal until sharp edges prick
into the dermis beneath her scars.
She ties a fine thread around roots
of each of his promises, watching colour
fade until they blend with the sky.
Her umbrella tilts to one side
forcing droplets to stream and drip
into the gutter below. The knots she just tied
begin cutting through, one by one they fall away.
They pause for a moment, hang in a gulley
until drawn by the pull of the drain.

[ray miller]

I liked the poem,it seemed a bit of an abrupt switch from the fine umbrella imagery to this:

She ties a fine thread around roots
of each of his promises, watching colour
fade until they blend with the sky.

maybe I'm missing some subtle connection.
You want "taut" rather than "taught", I think and I'd prefer "the dermis beneath her scars".

[Jjaz]

Thank you Ray Miller

I hadn't spotted the taut/taught, too busy struggling with getting the descriptions to sound right. I think your point about the positioning of her in the dermis line is better than I have it. I'll make those changes and sleep on it and try and iron out the switch that didn't seem to work for you. To be honest I bit off a bit more than I usually try writing here. Perhaps it'll be a useful poem for me to learn something from.

Jjaz

[David]

I like the poem too, but I don't like dermis, as a word, here at all. Is that a deal-breaker?

As a whole, I think it starts off really well but then begins to sprawl a bit. If you look at its shape, on the page, that's exactly what it does. It lets itself go. You want a bit more tautness throughout, in my opinion, and I'd like to see you have another go at this.

It's not a knock down and start again job - you just need a few alterations. The transition that Ray mentioned, in particular, is a bit awkward. I would go back to "scars" and redo the finish. No? (You may need to explain more about the scars.)

Cheers

David

[Suzanne]

Hi.

I liked the slow motion feel this seems to have. It is not really pouring buckets but a gentle rain, perhaps. This is my favorite bit

Her umbrella tilts to one side
forcing droplets to stream and drip

I liked the way it sounded and the image was clear in my mind.

Some of the ideas got lost for me but your ideas had my attention and I wanted to understand better....
I disliked the words bouffant locks, although I appreciate the image it brought. They just seem so old fashioned.

I do like the Cat in the Hat and thought it fun that you were writing about an umbrella and rain. Made me smile.
Thanks.

Suzanne

[Nicky B]

I actually really liked:

She ties a fine thread around roots
of each of his promises, watching colour
fade until they blend with the sky

I felt this was where the poem really found it's feet, it makes sense. And although the last 4 lines aren't quite right, I do like what they are saying.

I also got a bit stuck on bouffant as a word, the image is good, but the word just stands out (although i'm struggling to think of a replacement) as do the words scars and the dermis. Could you use stem instead of shaft? Shaft has sexual connotations which aren't needed here (in my humble opinion!).

Sorry, excuse my nitpicking, it's meant to be helpful, but I haven't really got a clue.
Overall, I really enjoyed the the image and idea! Ooo, and thought the title was great.
Nicky B.