Beneath that vast and vacant blue
We sometimes call the sky,
Stands a whorl of ancient em'rald
Where birds are drawn to fly.
Within it's shade groomed flower beds
Bloom 'neath the golden eye,
And Natures fairest blossoms bow
To sightless eyes rush by.
The scarlet and pink so vivid
Augment this tranquil scene,
The roses flushing tall and proud
Amidst a sea of green;
While here and there, on seats of oak
The weary rest serene;
Upon His garden God must gaze -
And swell with pride supreme.
For amid this ring of em'rald
His ancient church stands still,
Just marking time whilst all around
The city grows at will;
I silence my ears to traffic
Then feel my senses thrill
To this Eden so seducing
An urban man, with time to kill.
St Mary's
Beneath that<? vast and vacant blue... that is the harshest word I know.
We sometimes call the sky,... why sometimes? Why not often
Stands<? a whorl of ancient em'rald
Where birds are drawn to fly.... birds fly up, don't they
Within it's shade groomed flower beds
Bloom 'neath the golden eye,
And Natures fairest blossoms bow
To<? too or as? sightless eyes rush by.
The scarlet pink and pink scarlet so vivid ... alliteration?
Augment this< such? tranquil scene(s),
The roses flushing< blushing? tall and proud
Amidst a sea of green; (cliche)
While here and there,< comma? on seats of oak< cypress?
The weary rest serene;
Upon His garden God must gaze - (why the M dash when a caesura is given prior the use of an and as such?)
And swell with pride supreme. <the stop needs to be a comma imo
For amid this ring of em'rald
His ancient church stands still, < comma?
Just marking time whilst all around
The city grows at will;<a stop instead I think?
I silence my ears to traffic
Then feel my senses thrill
To this Eden so seducing
An urban man,< the comma doesn't make sense at all with time to kill.
You've something good here, R. More logical thought required though. I like the tenor best of all.
best
M
We sometimes call the sky,... why sometimes? Why not often
Stands<? a whorl of ancient em'rald
Where birds are drawn to fly.... birds fly up, don't they
Within it's shade groomed flower beds
Bloom 'neath the golden eye,
And Natures fairest blossoms bow
To<? too or as? sightless eyes rush by.
The scarlet pink and pink scarlet so vivid ... alliteration?
Augment this< such? tranquil scene(s),
The roses flushing< blushing? tall and proud
Amidst a sea of green; (cliche)
While here and there,< comma? on seats of oak< cypress?
The weary rest serene;
Upon His garden God must gaze - (why the M dash when a caesura is given prior the use of an and as such?)
And swell with pride supreme. <the stop needs to be a comma imo
For amid this ring of em'rald
His ancient church stands still, < comma?
Just marking time whilst all around
The city grows at will;<a stop instead I think?
I silence my ears to traffic
Then feel my senses thrill
To this Eden so seducing
An urban man,< the comma doesn't make sense at all with time to kill.
You've something good here, R. More logical thought required though. I like the tenor best of all.
best
M
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Richardthelionheart
- Posts: 49
- Joined: Tue Oct 05, 2010 5:52 pm
Hello Meesha, thank you for your valuable time and comments - I'm all flushed now. I thought of using 'blushing' but thought it obvious. Again, I thought of 'often' call the sky, but chose 'sometimes' because it rolled off my tongue softer when I read it aloud. Ditto that with 'oak', where I could have used elm or ash. Couldn't use 'cypress' or the 'scarlet pink' alliteration because of my meter. In your Blue Lagoon you had a constant 10 steps - which begs the question from me as a beginner, when does constant meter become free verse?
Thanks again for your wonderful advice, which I hope to apply at a future date, and hopefully sort out my dreadful punctuation. It's been a delight. Richard.
Thanks again for your wonderful advice, which I hope to apply at a future date, and hopefully sort out my dreadful punctuation. It's been a delight. Richard.
Richard, I still think you're counting syllables when - to follow your natural inclination - you should be counting beats. Your beat pattern is 4-3-4-3 per verse. Nothing wrong with that, it's a system that is hallowed by time.
On that basis, S2 L1 is short of a beat, as is S3 L1 (if you insist on the abbreviated "em'rald"), and things go completely haywire in the second half of S3, where your beats suddenly become - so far as I can make out - 3-3-3-4.
In case you were wondering, I like metric rhyming verse (although I don't think it's the only game in town). My suggestions are aimed at improving your stab at that, not demolishing it.
Tell me - I'd be fascinated to know - who do you read, when you're tucked up in bed of a night?
Cheers
David
On that basis, S2 L1 is short of a beat, as is S3 L1 (if you insist on the abbreviated "em'rald"), and things go completely haywire in the second half of S3, where your beats suddenly become - so far as I can make out - 3-3-3-4.
In case you were wondering, I like metric rhyming verse (although I don't think it's the only game in town). My suggestions are aimed at improving your stab at that, not demolishing it.
Tell me - I'd be fascinated to know - who do you read, when you're tucked up in bed of a night?
Cheers
David
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Suzanne
- Perspicacious Poster
- Posts: 4902
- Joined: Sun Oct 19, 2008 4:46 pm
- antispam: no
- Location: Land of the Midnight Sun
Hello Richardthelionheart,
I agree with David, he is usually a sound voice of reason. What I like about your writing is your enthusiasm for the language. It is a clear that you have a sense of playfulness when you write, even if it is in a tight structure. I encourage you to read read read and then read. It is helpful and can show you examples to strive for. Again, your love of writing comes through. Keep it up.
Warmly,
Suzanne
I agree with David, he is usually a sound voice of reason. What I like about your writing is your enthusiasm for the language. It is a clear that you have a sense of playfulness when you write, even if it is in a tight structure. I encourage you to read read read and then read. It is helpful and can show you examples to strive for. Again, your love of writing comes through. Keep it up.
Warmly,
Suzanne
Hi Richard!
I love this, I think it sounds like the beginning of a fairytale! I love the way you begin with the vacant sky and work downwards into the detail of the flowers etc. I like how it starts far away and dream-like and ends as the simple observations of a man 'killing time'. Thanks
I love this, I think it sounds like the beginning of a fairytale! I love the way you begin with the vacant sky and work downwards into the detail of the flowers etc. I like how it starts far away and dream-like and ends as the simple observations of a man 'killing time'. Thanks
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Richardthelionheart
- Posts: 49
- Joined: Tue Oct 05, 2010 5:52 pm
Hello David, thanks once again for your kind and considerate thoughts. Sorry it took so long to reply, I've been trying to solve my problem with 'beats' and 'syllables' - I think I just cracked one bit of it, but the other will take a little longer.
p.s. Bedtime reading? Anything I can find that rhymes, though mostly the classics.
Thanks again, Richard.
Hi Suzanne, thanks for your time and comments, they're very much appreciated. And yes, David is a fine mentor, it's nice to have people like him around - which is why I'm here. Thanks again, Richard.
And thanks also to the lovely sounding Loleeta. I'm glad you enjoyed. It's what we all strive for, right? - To please others I mean. Thanks again, Richard.
p.s. Bedtime reading? Anything I can find that rhymes, though mostly the classics.
Thanks again, Richard.
Hi Suzanne, thanks for your time and comments, they're very much appreciated. And yes, David is a fine mentor, it's nice to have people like him around - which is why I'm here. Thanks again, Richard.
And thanks also to the lovely sounding Loleeta. I'm glad you enjoyed. It's what we all strive for, right? - To please others I mean. Thanks again, Richard.