the nows reappear in a poem

[Divina]

rev.


so where are those places
we can meet
and say yes
we are in the same place
yes we are
where hands are feet
lips fingers

poetry
my deep hidden or not
place of refuge from the world
the lyrical outbursts
the stories the images

even though
it feels like a different world
a cloud floating above or below
my darknesses
I swallow moments

In an hour I know
I won't be the same person
as the one who is writing now
maybe I'm off my own tracks
no thoughts
not now



---

so where are those places we can meet
and say yes
we are in the same place, yes, we are
where hands are feet
lips fingers
I'm sleepy

poetry, my deep hidden or not
place of refuge from the world
of course it's a bit of a rip off
because the world is still there
in lyrical outbursts
stories and images

even though it feels like a different world
an abyss, at times a cloud
floating above or below darknesses
spring heals
summer heals
autumn heals
winter heals

I live moments
In an hour I know I won't be the same person
as the one who is writing
now

why do you feel nothing?
maybe I'm off my own tracks
no thoughts
not now


--

[ray miller]

I read an article the other day about the difficulty of being in the here and now; this reminded me of it.
I liked the first verse, especially this

where hands are feet
lips fingers
I'm sleepy

but then "of course it's a bit of a rip off" appears unexpectedly, and discordantly, I think, and for me, things don't recover.
The 3rd verse, in particular, seems to add very little.

[Arian]

There's a lot of promise in the first verse, Divina, but it seems to evaporate in something of a narrative muddle, not helped by a lack of grammatical coherence as in

my deep hidden or not
place of refuge from the world
of course it's a bit of a rip off
because the world is still there

which may (or may not) just be due to a lack of punctuation. And I agree with ray about the rip-off line.

It's a pity, because I get a sense of a nice poem lurking in there somewhere.

Cheers
peter

[Suzanne]

Divina,

This was quite captivating as an idea. I liked it. I have to agree though that it wanders more than I would like.
The thing about the rip off line is that it feels like the N looks directly into the camera and talks to the audience for a second.

I hope you know what I mean by that. It feels like an abrupt switch of tone.
It would be lovely to see this worked on a bit an tightened up. I agree, it is a nice idea.

Suzanne

[Raincoat]

hi Divina,

congrats on the latest feature. i like this one too, I can imagine it would sound great at a reading, has a good rhythm, which keeps you fixed throughout the poem, it's full of energy which has all come from that one word now. I thought S4 perhaps told too much, and agree with ray about s3. i think with a few cuts this could be really good.

[arunansu]

I like your piece especially the title. I'd perhaps trim the length of it. Here's my take:

so
where are those places we can meet
and say yes
we are in the same place
yes we are
where hands are feet
lips fingers
where I'm sleepy

poetry
my deep hidden or not
place of refuge from the world
are the lyrical outbursts
the stories and images

even though it feels like a different world
an abyss
at times a cloud
floating above or below darknesses

I live moments
In an hour I know I won't be the same person
as the one who is writing
now

maybe I'm off my own tracks
no thoughts
not now


Hope this helps.

[Divina]

Ray
Thanks for your critique. I will keep your suggestions in mind and revise accordingly.
This being here and now feeling can actually lead to a few moments of madness,
as if you're trying to answer the question - is that me in the mirror? Quite haunting
if you really think about it. Thanks again.

Peter
That's very nice of you to say that there may be an okay poem lurking in there
somewhere. I'm going to revise and see if it's any better. Thanks for your encouraging words.

Suzanne
Yes I definitely know what you mean The rip off line must go.
Thanks for taking the time.

Raincoat
Thanks for reading the feautured poem. I was surprised to see it there.
Glad you read and enjoyed this one. I agree that it needs a few cuts.

arunansu
Yes, you've been very helpful. Thanks for letting me know what
works and doesn't for you.


Thanks again everyone.

Maria

[gavin]

now that's a nice little piece

[Pauline]

Great revision.
It has a much easier flow to it .
Yeah I like it.
I was trying to think what part I like best
but I like it all.
A reflective moment.
Very nice.