Ripples cast on mirror glass,
frequencies of ocean.
Solar flares upon the waves,
a million cast each motion.
Flotsam and jetsam come ashore,
to free their heads of sand.
Dusting off their salt-coats,
to test sealegs on land.
The Beach.
-
backinblack
- Prolific Poster
- Posts: 275
- Joined: Tue Feb 24, 2009 4:31 pm
- antispam: no
Last edited by backinblack on Wed Mar 16, 2011 10:08 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Poems everybody...poems.. the laddie fancies himself a poet!..Pink Floyd-The wall.
"Solar flares upon the waves" enigmatical and deep.
"Ripples cast on mirrow glass" our mistaken imaginations?
"A milllionn cast each motion" fearful of wars to be?
"Floatsam and jetsam come ashore" evolution?
"Testing sealegs on land" where the heck am I now?
It is done well and has a mystery but doesn't say it straight,
but then, it gives the poet time for thought. Without that
what are we?
Thanks BiB for this
"Ripples cast on mirrow glass" our mistaken imaginations?
"A milllionn cast each motion" fearful of wars to be?
"Floatsam and jetsam come ashore" evolution?
"Testing sealegs on land" where the heck am I now?
It is done well and has a mystery but doesn't say it straight,
but then, it gives the poet time for thought. Without that
what are we?
Thanks BiB for this
Hi BiB,
Mixed reaction to this one if I'm honest.
I like the sort of dreamy nature of the whole thing, and the imagery is clear, I can certainly picture the scene.
However I think your forced rhyming and syllable count don't do this poem any real favours, other than making it fairly easy to read, as I think it is too restrictive for your creativity. I'd like to see a version where you don't think de-dum-de-dum-de-dum as you write. If the poem focused on the repetition of the waves, then some repetitive form like this might reflect well the content. But given it's daydream quality, I think it should meander more.
Also, perhaps you could stretch the vocabulary a little to escape some of the cliches....? mirror glass, flotsam and jetsam etc.
last little nit:
"to free their heads of sand." - by leaving water and going on a beach of sand? doesn't work for me that line...
Cheers,
Tom
Mixed reaction to this one if I'm honest.
I like the sort of dreamy nature of the whole thing, and the imagery is clear, I can certainly picture the scene.
However I think your forced rhyming and syllable count don't do this poem any real favours, other than making it fairly easy to read, as I think it is too restrictive for your creativity. I'd like to see a version where you don't think de-dum-de-dum-de-dum as you write. If the poem focused on the repetition of the waves, then some repetitive form like this might reflect well the content. But given it's daydream quality, I think it should meander more.
Also, perhaps you could stretch the vocabulary a little to escape some of the cliches....? mirror glass, flotsam and jetsam etc.
last little nit:
"to free their heads of sand." - by leaving water and going on a beach of sand? doesn't work for me that line...
Cheers,
Tom
meh and bah are wonderful words
Flotsam = wreckagebackinblack wrote:
Flotsam and jetsam come ashore,
to test sealegs on land.
Jetsam= items/cargo jettisoned - probably during a storm
How do flotsam and jetsam free their heads of sand - are you attributing person characteristics to junk?
and once ashore - do they walk away?
J.
Before you shave with Occam’s razor - Try epilation or microlaser