You're burning on your chair,
hot head
burning there,
and for what do you scream?
Split the peace,
Split your head,
curse your luck
surrounded by yourself.
Continue denying yourself,
cower.
Tidy yourself away,
will you not?
Or will you continue,
taking your own advice
and
instead of seeing perfection from your chair,
burn there.
Hot
Where is any depth in this? Another forsaken love whom cared not and was ripped of.
If you're to change (those indifferent themes ) you need your dreams in peace.
"split the peace split your head" This can not be peacefully said.
If you're to change (those indifferent themes ) you need your dreams in peace.
"split the peace split your head" This can not be peacefully said.
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terriblefish
- Productive Poster
- Posts: 54
- Joined: Fri Nov 05, 2010 10:33 am
I think the last stanza would be grammatically and poetically sounder if you honoured the last clause with its question mark. It falls to pieces without one.
Without sounding rude or presumptuous, was this drafted then proof read or blasted out in a fit of afflatus?
Either way is awesome but those written under the latter circumstance require a good spruce
Lots of passion here! Nice style,keep them coming.
tf
Without sounding rude or presumptuous, was this drafted then proof read or blasted out in a fit of afflatus?
Either way is awesome but those written under the latter circumstance require a good spruce
Lots of passion here! Nice style,keep them coming.
tf
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R P Jackson
- Productive Poster
- Posts: 79
- Joined: Wed Aug 18, 2010 3:12 pm
How about:
Burn on your chair,
hot head
burning
and screaming there.
For what?
Split the peace,
Split your head,
surrounded by yourself
but denying.
Cower.
Tidy you away,
will you not?
Or continue,
taking your own advice
and
instead of seeing perfection
from your chair,
See only you,
burning there.
Burn on your chair,
hot head
burning
and screaming there.
For what?
Split the peace,
Split your head,
surrounded by yourself
but denying.
Cower.
Tidy you away,
will you not?
Or continue,
taking your own advice
and
instead of seeing perfection
from your chair,
See only you,
burning there.
-
terriblefish
- Productive Poster
- Posts: 54
- Joined: Fri Nov 05, 2010 10:33 am
R.P may be on to something.
Omit the question altogether - more of a dramatic finish...
What you thinking, Shi?
Omit the question altogether - more of a dramatic finish...
What you thinking, Shi?
Hello!
Thanks everyone.
Yes it was written in a splurge and came upon me, hence the slightly (is this the right word?) dodgy structure and grammar..
JP, I like your reworking. It's nice, slightly different feel, but great, thanks
I'm thinking that the change of the last stanza would simply look better thusly:
Tidy yourself away,
will you not?
Or will you continue,
taking your own advice
and
instead of seeing perfection from your chair?
burn there.
I hope so.. haha
Thanks for the comments though, I will try to continue writing when and if I get the time in between everything else..
Thanks everyone.
Yes it was written in a splurge and came upon me, hence the slightly (is this the right word?) dodgy structure and grammar..
JP, I like your reworking. It's nice, slightly different feel, but great, thanks
I'm thinking that the change of the last stanza would simply look better thusly:
Tidy yourself away,
will you not?
Or will you continue,
taking your own advice
and
instead of seeing perfection from your chair?
burn there.
I hope so.. haha
Thanks for the comments though, I will try to continue writing when and if I get the time in between everything else..
XD hahaha.. I didn't mean that this or you're not important to me, since I do like writing poetry and that's why I come here.
Problem is I'm a single dad with two small boys (4 and 6), an ex who still hasn't bothered to sort through any kind of divorce or seperation agreement- basically who has.. erm.. for want of better words- abandoned us, and the kids spend 80% of the time with me. I'm learning Chinese and I run a business.. so.. hehehehe I'll be here when I can, trust me!
Problem is I'm a single dad with two small boys (4 and 6), an ex who still hasn't bothered to sort through any kind of divorce or seperation agreement- basically who has.. erm.. for want of better words- abandoned us, and the kids spend 80% of the time with me. I'm learning Chinese and I run a business.. so.. hehehehe
I'll be here when I can, trust me!-
terriblefish
- Productive Poster
- Posts: 54
- Joined: Fri Nov 05, 2010 10:33 am
That explains the passion I felt so strongly!
It really comes through. Chin up, Shi , always sanctuary in words ; and here.
tf
It really comes through. Chin up, Shi , always sanctuary in words ; and here.
tf
I do. All the best with real life. Believe me, I know that this place is only for the time we have left over from the important things, and it sounds as though you've got some important things on your plate. Good luck.Shi Tong wrote:XD hahaha.. I didn't mean that this or you're not important to me, since I do like writing poetry and that's why I come here.
Problem is I'm a single dad with two small boys (4 and 6), an ex who still hasn't bothered to sort through any kind of divorce or seperation agreement- basically who has.. erm.. for want of better words- abandoned us, and the kids spend 80% of the time with me. I'm learning Chinese and I run a business.. so.. hehehehe
Cheers
David
I loved the passion in this, the splurginess and the letting go.
I think when something comes so freely you can't really improve on it. I think it would be a mistake to edit heavily.
Will look forward to the next.
I also have little time, but I find making time to write is always worthwhile.
Thanks,
Nicky B.
I think when something comes so freely you can't really improve on it. I think it would be a mistake to edit heavily.
Will look forward to the next.
I also have little time, but I find making time to write is always worthwhile.
Thanks,
Nicky B.
Thank you lovely people! That's a lovely thing to say as well Nicky，I do find all my best ones kind of spill out, so that's why I find it hard to edit myself as I go sometimes.
That said, I should probably read more poetry, since I dont read a jot. I listen to some stuff, but barely ever read.
Anyway, thanks for all your comments!!!
That said, I should probably read more poetry, since I dont read a jot. I listen to some stuff, but barely ever read.
Anyway, thanks for all your comments!!!
Is there any chance of hot too?
Strikes power notes which do take off into floats as etheric loads.
You made feelings well away from your chest. I won't falt it and can not even if I wanted to ...it is of soul-mystery which only we can unfold
ourselves I guess...........there is a nice ring about this I confess.
This is from gut...........beautifully said like "Satana" who can rip a head
In this as it goes I am working on a poem for "Satana" now. I will let her rip
a few weeks from now........soonish now. Hope.
You touched my heart as true with a poem like this within her a hidden kiss
of want of hope even though at times we are in the same boat but boats and little ships can never be as magnificent as a wakend Soul..........
My very dear friend, we all have to concern ourselves in the what
we my write so. There are times for blackbirds robins in the snow
peoples having burgers under full shine laughing the moon crying
times the soul inside your eyes to these kness upon cries
while the heart essays to beat the motions where you be@
you be here and there you here and there you be ever I guess
a somewhere.........
but nothing like the shine when there's the light inside the mind
by the way you know as I am (dyslexcia) it is why I have to find methods to express
words so much for self and notes are easy for you. The Moderaters have been and they know the problem I might spend hours to configurate a word it is frustrating.
Enjoy yor heart and person
very best
Dave
Strikes power notes which do take off into floats as etheric loads.
You made feelings well away from your chest. I won't falt it and can not even if I wanted to ...it is of soul-mystery which only we can unfold
ourselves I guess...........there is a nice ring about this I confess.
This is from gut...........beautifully said like "Satana" who can rip a head
In this as it goes I am working on a poem for "Satana" now. I will let her rip
a few weeks from now........soonish now. Hope.
You touched my heart as true with a poem like this within her a hidden kiss
of want of hope even though at times we are in the same boat but boats and little ships can never be as magnificent as a wakend Soul..........
My very dear friend, we all have to concern ourselves in the what
we my write so. There are times for blackbirds robins in the snow
peoples having burgers under full shine laughing the moon crying
times the soul inside your eyes to these kness upon cries
while the heart essays to beat the motions where you be@
you be here and there you here and there you be ever I guess
a somewhere.........
but nothing like the shine when there's the light inside the mind
by the way you know as I am (dyslexcia) it is why I have to find methods to express
words so much for self and notes are easy for you. The Moderaters have been and they know the problem I might spend hours to configurate a word it is frustrating.
Enjoy yor heart and person
very best
Dave
Hello Dave..
I believe you are if you say you are, but I'm surprised you are dyslexic, seeing as you seem rather more eloquant than the average Jo(e).
Ever considered learning Chinese? Every word has it's element of picture.. it means that you can read it like a row of paintings instead of a row of phonetic clues.. can you see: 山 is a mountain, 火 is a fire, 人 is a man, 門 is a door. Beautiful, no? I really thank you for your compliments.
I believe you are if you say you are, but I'm surprised you are dyslexic, seeing as you seem rather more eloquant than the average Jo(e).
Ever considered learning Chinese? Every word has it's element of picture.. it means that you can read it like a row of paintings instead of a row of phonetic clues.. can you see: 山 is a mountain, 火 is a fire, 人 is a man, 門 is a door. Beautiful, no? I really thank you for your compliments.