Still finding and developing a style... this one is a more recent one, written for a friend. Appreciate any thoughts like last time, and I promise you better. For the moment, this is just to get them down.
Purple You,
Purple Them.
Don't you forget them.
Who cares who it is,
That you choose to kiss?
Purple river you carry on flowing.
One and one and she, make three:
One for you, but none for me.
Will you still be with me, just because
I sit and wonder which way you'll go?
I am not like you,
We are different people.
But who cares, right?
Because why would we
Want to start playing by the rules?
The rules are purple, like you.
Purple
I couldn't get an awful lot out of this, BM. Is purple the new blue? Even then, I need some sort of handle on you and them. Especially them.
I like "Who cares who it is, / That you choose to kiss?", but "But who cares, right?" seems a bit throwaway.
I'm getting a dim impression of secret love - furtive, even - but not much more than that.
Will it take some tweaking?
Cheers
David
I like "Who cares who it is, / That you choose to kiss?", but "But who cares, right?" seems a bit throwaway.
I'm getting a dim impression of secret love - furtive, even - but not much more than that.
Will it take some tweaking?
Cheers
David
Perhaps David. I'm not sure I ever intended it to flow from one thing into another... it was just a series of statements. Writing with little omission.
The poem is about a bisexual. The 'you' is the girl I'm speaking to; she seems to struggle to grasp the world. And the 'them' refers to everyone who judges her for being a bisexual.
Thanks for your comment on the 'who cares who it is...' bit, and as for the 'but who cares...' part, I was just writing the way I was thinking. Bit of a colloquialism, yes, and I will think about this.
All the best.
The poem is about a bisexual. The 'you' is the girl I'm speaking to; she seems to struggle to grasp the world. And the 'them' refers to everyone who judges her for being a bisexual.
Thanks for your comment on the 'who cares who it is...' bit, and as for the 'but who cares...' part, I was just writing the way I was thinking. Bit of a colloquialism, yes, and I will think about this.
All the best.
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Arian
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I'm not entirely sure I agree with David on the "who cares" line. For me, it's one of the few lines which has authenticity about it. It has an edge of irony, verging on bitterness, which I like.
But I do entirely agree with David about the rest of it, I'm afraid. While it's perfectly fair for you to use words in an unconventional way, to decouple them from their usual meaning (after all, that's the essence of poetry, really), you can't be completely closed in your usage - you have to give the reader some kind of clue(s) as to what you mean. If you did this with the purple reference, then I (and, obviously, David) completely missed it. To me, it seems like a random usage, plucked out of the air to sound "poetic". But (sadly, or we'd all be great poets) being poetic is more than merely being obscure.
Nor is it a defence to claim that you were "writing the way I was thinking", implying that you gave no thought to structure, expression, rhythm, point, or any of the usual things that typically occupy a poet's mind. There have been, is, and will be, poets who produce brilliant stuff as a stream-of-consiousness, but they're very few and far between. Most of the Big Names were, and are, obsessive about editing and re-editing their work, to avoid the "early draft form" syndrome. You may turn out to be one of the Greats who can do off-the-cuff brilliance, but I'd say early evidence isn't in your favour.
This is a workshop. So, by definition, you want input. Great. Members are here to help, if they can. Equally, though, serious input means (a) reading the poem a few times, and (b) considering it and forming a sensible crit. This takes a bit of time. The least you can do is to ensure that you're posting something which, while not perfect (or why would you be posting on a workshop?) is at least considered: the best you can do; a poem, in other words, not a "here's a bit of stuff I jotted down in 2 minutes, now please spend 20 minutes critting it". Such an approach is to devalue members' time. You'll end up getting no crits at all if you carry on in this way.
Sorry to go on at length - you weren't to know, and I'm just in a sour mood. But it's one of my pet dislikes, that people should post ill-considered work, and then expect others to consider it. If you can't be bothered about it, why should we?
If you'd like to post other stuff, which you've thought about, I'll be happy to comment - though, after this, you probably won't want my remarks!
Sorry and best wishes
peter
PS do you have a name, by the way? Or were you Christened Bluemoon?
But I do entirely agree with David about the rest of it, I'm afraid. While it's perfectly fair for you to use words in an unconventional way, to decouple them from their usual meaning (after all, that's the essence of poetry, really), you can't be completely closed in your usage - you have to give the reader some kind of clue(s) as to what you mean. If you did this with the purple reference, then I (and, obviously, David) completely missed it. To me, it seems like a random usage, plucked out of the air to sound "poetic". But (sadly, or we'd all be great poets) being poetic is more than merely being obscure.
Nor is it a defence to claim that you were "writing the way I was thinking", implying that you gave no thought to structure, expression, rhythm, point, or any of the usual things that typically occupy a poet's mind. There have been, is, and will be, poets who produce brilliant stuff as a stream-of-consiousness, but they're very few and far between. Most of the Big Names were, and are, obsessive about editing and re-editing their work, to avoid the "early draft form" syndrome. You may turn out to be one of the Greats who can do off-the-cuff brilliance, but I'd say early evidence isn't in your favour.
This is a workshop. So, by definition, you want input. Great. Members are here to help, if they can. Equally, though, serious input means (a) reading the poem a few times, and (b) considering it and forming a sensible crit. This takes a bit of time. The least you can do is to ensure that you're posting something which, while not perfect (or why would you be posting on a workshop?) is at least considered: the best you can do; a poem, in other words, not a "here's a bit of stuff I jotted down in 2 minutes, now please spend 20 minutes critting it". Such an approach is to devalue members' time. You'll end up getting no crits at all if you carry on in this way.
Sorry to go on at length - you weren't to know, and I'm just in a sour mood. But it's one of my pet dislikes, that people should post ill-considered work, and then expect others to consider it. If you can't be bothered about it, why should we?
If you'd like to post other stuff, which you've thought about, I'll be happy to comment - though, after this, you probably won't want my remarks!
Sorry and best wishes
peter
PS do you have a name, by the way? Or were you Christened Bluemoon?
