Filtering

[Danté]

Filtering

No mud on my shoes
because I’m not wearing any.
The constant dripping
of water from a leaking life
will no longer infiltrate my ears.

Past whims lie beyond
the claggy creeks
on sand, taking the form
of casts expelled
by worms
having absorbed all but the simple grains
on which my thoughts became
desires that I alone once entertained.


.

[gavin]

you are back

No mud on my shoes
because I’m not wearing any.
The constant dripping
of water from a leaking life
will no longer infiltrate my ears.-------well spoken

Past whims lie beyond--------thought this verse is brilliant
the claggy creeks
on sand, taking the form
of casts expelled
by worms--------------------------------------that sentence so good
having absorbed all but the simple grains
on which my thoughts became
desires that I alone once entertaine------------really brilliant so

[JohnLott]

Hello Dante,

I thought to return the favour because you commented on my work, Poisoned Thoughts.

Now I feel mean by saying I don't understand what it is you are saying in Filtering.

Perhaps others might crit it, and if they do you can ignore this post.

Sorry.



J.
p.s. any clues to help?

[Danté]

Thanks Gavin, glad you found some of the lines met with your approval. I have been meaning to start writing again for ages, but time and motion have been against me.

John, the opening of the poem is depicting choice which is a kind of filtering, the second verse is also about making choices in a subconscious and conscious manner. The worm metaphor is based around the idea that worms take in pretty much whats in front of them as the pass through silt and other debris, the cast which appears on the surface is excreted having had the nutrient component absorbed by the worm. It is as said a metaphor in respect of whims, then in effect another kind of filtering which occurs with little or no thought.

Nothing mean about your reply, simply expressed as you saw it.

regards

Danté

[oranggunung]

Dante

It’s good to see you posting again.

I like the opening line. It led me into the poem very well.
The alliteration of claggy creeks is most appealing too.

I like the idea here, but it all seemed to be over very quickly. I wonder if the worms might do more work for you, or another filterer. Mussels are shoreline species that are often studied for traces of environmental toxins.

Both stanzas appear to taper off at the end. I wonder if the sentences are too long.
In S1 I find the use of ‘infiltrate’ distracting. It’s as if you’re conflating hearing and thinking.
In S2 the irregular line breaks don’t work as an alternative to punctuation, imo. There seems to be an awful lot to fit into that one sentence.


looking forward to further poems/posts

og

[Danté]

Thanks Og, I appreciate your observations. I'll have look at the poem and get a revision up and see how differing approaches bounce off each other.
I didn't want to overwrite the piece as it was a spontaneous write around an idea that popped into my head when I wasn't really looking for it.
I agree it can be delivered in a better way, so hopefully that's where it will head

Thanks for expressing in a positive way, the fact that I'm posting again. I've been meaning to for ages.

regards

Danté

[Nicky B]

Hey Dante,

I liked the idea of this, but I only really got it once I'd read the thread. Maybe I'm a bit slow, or maybe the poem could be developed and grown to be a bit clearer. It would certainly be nice to have more.

I'm a bit unsure of the structure - the two stanzas so different in length, and the first 5,8,5,8,9. The first four lines sound lovely, the final jars a little, but I think that's ok. I'd be tempted to jiggle the second stanza around a bit, something like.....:

No mud on my shoes
because I’m not wearing any.
The constant dripping
of water from a leaking life
will no longer infiltrate my ears.

Past whims lie beyond
the claggy creeks on sand.
They take the form of casts
expelled by worms which
absorbed all but the grains

on which my thoughts became desires
that I alone once entertained.

That's way off being right. Sorry. I'm such an absolute beginner - blind leading the blind! But if you can break it right, it not only has better flow, it also causes the reader to stop and digest at the right places and then it makes more sense more easily.

I liked the grain.entertain rhyme,

sorry not to be more help. I like the idea, and the words, it just needs a bit of jiggling I think.

Nicky B.

[Deryn]

I like this Dante.

My thoughts.

Those first 2 lines brought a smile to my face. I don't know if they were intended to raise a smile but I immediately thought, ' I didn't have my shoes on so how can they be covered in mud, so there ! Sorry I'm sure they were supposed to inspire a much more mature response.

The constant dripping
of water from a leaking life - ain't life just so Dante.

I like the thought of walking along the beach, looking behind me, and all those worm casts reminding me of all my past whims. And how costly were some of those whims, emotionally and monetary ? And with the coming of credit cards how easy has it been to build up a whole beach of whims !

Thanks Dante.

Deryn bach

[nar]

Hey, Tim.

Good to read your stuff again.

Much to like here. The creeks/sea stuff puzzles me - I tend to think of crreks as being inland rather than coastal, but that's perhaps just me.

Mud / sand is also an intriguing idea. Silt / mud, perhaps means more to me.

For me, the metaphor isn't quite there, but I'm trying.

Nice sonics with "casts expelled" and "simple grains".

I need to get back to reading more!

Kindest,

- Neil

[Cooper]

An enjoyable piece Dante.. Captured a familiar feeling for me with this one.. If I can echo another poster it's that I alos think this poem needs some re-jigging structurally, for me the flow of the piece could be better, also for some reason 'on sand' grates in its present position.. Hope you dont mind just my thoughts..

[David]

A prodigal returns. Welcome back, Tim.

Cheers

David

[Danté]

Nicky B, thanks for your reply, I'll certainly look closely at your ideas while I work on the revision, thank you.

Deryn, your comments regarding the opening lines, those lines are typical of how I deliver, different people find their own way of construing the tonality and mood of my voice.
I've written absolutely no poetry for a good number of months, so appreciate all input which I can use to get back into the swing.
To be honest I'm going to have apply myself to the revision and by the time I've written a few pieces I hope to find my pen a touch more fluid.

Niel, thank you for reading and offering your thoughts, all useful observations. I also need to read more and certainly get into the writing groove again.
I'll jig this here and there and get another version up in due course.

Cooper, I don't mind at all, it's good to weigh up all the feedback before I start making rash alterations, good to see you, thank you.

Thanks David, much appreciated, it's good to be back. Hopefully the pause has provided an opportunity for me to work from a different angle, coming back to it.

many thanks

Danté

[Arian]

Hi Tim, yes, nice to see you back.

I like the sound and mood of this, but - like some others - I found it a bit delphic in terms of narrative point.

Would it be overly radical to lose s1 entirely? S2 seems to stand alone quite nicely as a self-contained piece.

Cheers
peter

[Danté]

Thanks Peter, as always your comments are much appreciated. I have this in front of me and wasn't going to post anything else until I revised this, but I'm still pondering and as you know I have posted another piece. I might actually flesh this out a tiny bit more and consider the merits of the opening lines.
I will get a revision up in the next day or two, I have to admit I'm a bit rusty so taking me a few lines to get back into the draft/edit groove.

many thanks

Tim