Moon -please help (second version)

[onlyifonly]

Moon
Moon half, gazing mournfully from dusk.
How long to day when return it must to search
amongst the stars, each night returning
more complete, until in glory
it beams a smile of one who is at last whole.
Before waning once more
and the search begins a new.

This is a little request for help. I have this written for someone tomorrow and I am not good at punctuation. I would really appreciate some help and advice on that and any other hints or views on this.

Second rewrite with special thanks to Bloggsworth and all others who commented and enabled me to make the rapid improvements

Moon
Moon half, gazing mournfully from dusk.
How long till day when return it must
to search amongst the stars, each night returning
more complete, until in glory
it beams a smile of one who is at last whole,
only to wane and begin the search anew.

I felt the 'returning' was important in the poem for the metaphor. I also like the word beams for the moon reference although I know that is a little cliche! lol.

Thanks to all.

[Travis]

and the search begins a new. (anew)

[onlyifonly]

Doh! Thanks.

[gavin]

onlyifonly

you will come up against the ignorance of pg.

select--- is unable to wright poetry----

that why you got his finger anew

but the poem is good, the moon is pretty much a nothing

so don;t worry about the negativity on these boards;

[Bloggsworth]

onlyifonly

you will come up against the ignorance of pg.

select--- is unable to wright poetry----

that why you got his finger anew

but the poem is good, the moon is pretty much a nothing

so don;t worry about the negativity on these boards;

Yeah - Wright...

[Bloggsworth]

Moon
Moon half, gazing mournfully from dusk.
How long to day when return it must to search
amongst the stars, each night returning
more complete, until in glory
it beams a smile of one who is at last whole.
Before waning once more
and the search begins a new.

This is a little request for help. I have this written for someone tomorrow and I am not good at punctuation. I would really appreciate some help and advice on that and any other hints or views on this.

Just a suggestion:

Moon half, gazing mournfully from dusk.
How long till day when return it must
to search amongst the stars, each night
more complete, until in glory it smiles
the smile of one who is at last whole,
only to wane and begin the search anew.

[onlyifonly]

Hi all. Thanks for all your feedback and I love the suggested improvements Bloggsworth.

And thank you for the correction of anew. I had asked specifically for corrections as this is an area that takes me time and I have run out this weekend.

I have noted the various 'wars' that have been going on in this forum which is sad. I have been here quite I while (although I have come and go) and this battling is a new thing. Its a shame.

So thanks all, I have a new date today which is really exciting and she loves poetry and wanted me to write one for her. I am 40 but feel like a teenager again!

[Bloggsworth]

I told my wife, I may have grown old, but I have no intention of growing up! I never stopped feeling like a teenager, but the wife said she'd kill me if I did....

[David]

Sorry to go off topic, but Gavin, what are you talking about? Are you trying to pick a fight with the whole board? That would be fairly hypocritical of you, not to mention stupid, as I think you've had a pretty sympathetic hearing lately.

So pack it in. No more gratuitous slagging off of other people. Public warning, my lad. I quite like you, and have always resisted the idea when others have proposed that you be banned. Don't make me change my mind.

And - of course - "anew" is correct.

Sorry about that, oifo, but public order must be restored.

[gavin]

all i did david

help his poem get critiqued, i do not know how you read so much into a few line i wrote;

if select had of helped with the poem i would have not said any thing;

i didn't know how to help him, he just would have went away

with the likes of---- shi tong---- meesha---- hank---- calico-- turtle wax-- elf---

benjamin-- blue moon---and many more

and if you have to ban me so be it;

[onlyifonly]

Gavin,
Many thanks for your input to my poem. There us obviously some tension around.

As a fresh pair if eyes it seems like there is a lot of anger in some of the words. Personally and I know a few others are the same I come here to get away from stress and issues in my life. A place to escape and be myself, share some poems and indirectly share my feelings.

So it is a little jarring to see two people stressing. I am totally happy that some critics will be negative and I think that tells me more about the writer than my poetry. I can happily ignore those.

The reason I stayed after I first joined was an unusual level of kindness amongst the members. I think u were certainly in that group. So if there is a negative person commenting why not just let them be. We can all ignore them. In this case every input to my poem was very welcome.

I am meeting my date in 9 mins under the clock in waterloo. There has to be a poem come out of this.

Don't get banned. Life is too short.

[David]

I don't want to ban you, Gavin. I really don't. So let's let bygones be bygones and continue on our merry way. There is absolutely nothing wrong in what Travis (the SS) posted, though. That's what annoyed me about your response.

So. on we go.

[JohnLott]

Hello OnlyifOnly.

You have asked for help and in that context I am offering some amendments to your work. No criticism is intended.

Moon slivered, gazing mournfully from dusk.
How long till day when it must return
to hide amongst the stars?
Each night returning more complete,
Until in glory it beams a smile
of one who is at last whole:
Only to wane and begin the search anew.



J.