RE-DRAFT
The silence drowns out the noise.
Three-day-old clothes sit poised
to answer last night's questions.
What did I do? Do you hate me?
You talk of a man too shy to kiss.
I want to tell you I'm just like this.
But eight years of hazy isolation
still haunt the ideal of openness.
Now run with me behind the trees,
with the snow underneath the leaves.
The humming wind makes me begin
to believe you are here with me.
Now the violin dies, the music ceases
to replace what I need tonight.
Amie awakens to put me to sleep.
And the noise drowns out the silence.
ORIGINAL
My memory flickers, igniting into life
Three-day old clothes cling to my shoulders.
What did I do? Where did I go? Who did I meet?
And the silence drowns out the noise.
You tell me of a date, with a man too shy to talk
I want to tell you I'm just like him.
The traffic jam of words suffocates my mouth.
And the silence drowns out the noise.
Crouched behind trees, snow white surroundings
A one-legged bird fights for survival.
The humming of the wind engulfs the valley.
But the silence drowns out the noise.
The violin dies, the music stops
Empty rooms fill with scents of youth.
Amie awakens to put me to sleep.
And the silence drowns out the noise.
Pictures of silence
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EatMyPoetry
- Posts: 27
- Joined: Mon May 16, 2011 7:51 pm
Last edited by EatMyPoetry on Wed Nov 02, 2011 11:29 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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ray miller
- Perspicacious Poster
- Posts: 7482
- Joined: Wed Apr 23, 2008 10:23 am
First glance I thought that was Arnie not Amie in the last verse and that we had a topical poem here. To be honest I don't know what the poem is getting at. I felt none the wiser as to what you did, where you went and who you met even after 3 reads. And the one-legged bird isn't helping.It all seems rather too disconnected.
I'm out of faith and in my cups
I contemplate such bitter stuff.
I contemplate such bitter stuff.
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EatMyPoetry
- Posts: 27
- Joined: Mon May 16, 2011 7:51 pm
Ha - is it wrong that I see it as a minor success that I've managed to confuse the reader? I've always been fascinated with the art of confusion.
In a way the four stanzas are unconnected - four different times I've 'heard' true silence - which is a paradox- at completely different times in my life and under completely different circumstances.
In a way the four stanzas are unconnected - four different times I've 'heard' true silence - which is a paradox- at completely different times in my life and under completely different circumstances.
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RichardSanders
- Prolific Poster
- Posts: 466
- Joined: Fri May 20, 2011 3:23 pm
I like the mood of the piece. It speaks of tranquillity to me.
But I think it lacks coherency.
The verses seem disconnected/disjointed.
You start the last verse with: "The violin dies, the music stops"
Personally, I think it has a bit of a cliché ring to it.
More importantly, it seems to block the last verse. As if this is the last line of the poem.
That goes for any sentence ending with the word "Stop", I think.
Maybe use "ceases" instead of "stop".
It has a more continuing feel to it and will help the reader flow into the next line more easily.
Lastly: See if you can improve the rhythm by matching (approximately) the number of syllables in the first lines of each verse.
That will also increase coherency in the poem.
For instance:
"You tell me of a date, with a man too shy to talk" is to long compared to the rest. (13 syl.)
You might use:
"You had date, with a man too shy to talk", (11 syl.)
"I want to tell you I'm just like him." (9 syl.)
It doesn't diminish the meaning but has a better matching rhythm.
The jump from 13syl to 9syl it too big to give a feel of continuity unless you mirror it in the other verses.
As they're all single syllable words you don't have the option of speeding up pronunciation to compensate as you often do with multiple syllable words.
That means you have to be extra careful with breaking the rhythm by incidental large jumps.
At least, this my opinion.
But I think it lacks coherency.
The verses seem disconnected/disjointed.
You start the last verse with: "The violin dies, the music stops"
Personally, I think it has a bit of a cliché ring to it.
More importantly, it seems to block the last verse. As if this is the last line of the poem.
That goes for any sentence ending with the word "Stop", I think.
Maybe use "ceases" instead of "stop".
It has a more continuing feel to it and will help the reader flow into the next line more easily.
Lastly: See if you can improve the rhythm by matching (approximately) the number of syllables in the first lines of each verse.
That will also increase coherency in the poem.
For instance:
"You tell me of a date, with a man too shy to talk" is to long compared to the rest. (13 syl.)
You might use:
"You had date, with a man too shy to talk", (11 syl.)
"I want to tell you I'm just like him." (9 syl.)
It doesn't diminish the meaning but has a better matching rhythm.
The jump from 13syl to 9syl it too big to give a feel of continuity unless you mirror it in the other verses.
As they're all single syllable words you don't have the option of speeding up pronunciation to compensate as you often do with multiple syllable words.
That means you have to be extra careful with breaking the rhythm by incidental large jumps.
At least, this my opinion.
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EatMyPoetry
- Posts: 27
- Joined: Mon May 16, 2011 7:51 pm
Thanks for the feedback Richard.
Instantly reading your adapted version of the first line of S2 I could tell it reads a lot better. It's amazing how much something can be improved by changing only two or three words.
The last stanza needs some work undoubtedly and will be fairly drastically rewritten soon.
Instantly reading your adapted version of the first line of S2 I could tell it reads a lot better. It's amazing how much something can be improved by changing only two or three words.
The last stanza needs some work undoubtedly and will be fairly drastically rewritten soon.
The silence drowns out the noise.
Three-day-old clothes sit poised
to answer last night's questions.
What did I do? Do you hate me?
You talk of a man too shy to kiss.
I want to tell you I'm just like this.
But eight years of hazy isolation
still haunt the ideal of openness.
Now run with me behind the trees,
with the snow underneath the leaves.
The humming wind makes me begin
to believe you are here with me.
Now the violin dies, the music ceases
to replace what I need tonight.
Amie awakens to put me to sleep.
And the noise drowns out the silence.
There's parts of this I like and parts I don't. I've highlighted in bold the lines I prefer. Overall I like the theme, especially what you express in verse 3 although it does hint at someone physically absent more so than someone absent emotionally as I guess you intended and feel with a little work the language used there could be improved upon. The first line is quite cliched which is a pity because the last line, for all it's a reversal of the same does work. I wonder if there's a slightly more unique way of expressing this. Line 2 in comparison is much fresher. Not too keen on the rhyme scheme, especially with it being broken in verse 4 and the mention of Amie seems a little too late to get away with. I noticed in version 1 you mention a child near the beginning, perhaps her name should still crop up then if the end is to work as intended. Also why the violin? I thought it was silent.
Three-day-old clothes sit poised
to answer last night's questions.
What did I do? Do you hate me?
You talk of a man too shy to kiss.
I want to tell you I'm just like this.
But eight years of hazy isolation
still haunt the ideal of openness.
Now run with me behind the trees,
with the snow underneath the leaves.
The humming wind makes me begin
to believe you are here with me.
Now the violin dies, the music ceases
to replace what I need tonight.
Amie awakens to put me to sleep.
And the noise drowns out the silence.
There's parts of this I like and parts I don't. I've highlighted in bold the lines I prefer. Overall I like the theme, especially what you express in verse 3 although it does hint at someone physically absent more so than someone absent emotionally as I guess you intended and feel with a little work the language used there could be improved upon. The first line is quite cliched which is a pity because the last line, for all it's a reversal of the same does work. I wonder if there's a slightly more unique way of expressing this. Line 2 in comparison is much fresher. Not too keen on the rhyme scheme, especially with it being broken in verse 4 and the mention of Amie seems a little too late to get away with. I noticed in version 1 you mention a child near the beginning, perhaps her name should still crop up then if the end is to work as intended. Also why the violin? I thought it was silent.
to be totally honest... whenever you feel you really shouldn't write that, that's exactly what you should write.
Your first draft I enjoyed because it about untried vaccinations
on untried love and decayed fortunes, so your body is left unused, you’ve never been robbed or fucked ?
You come up with some weighty imports into your poem, which I like very much. There is an intense feeling; even voices could not be elated with bad manners (wine OR beer)
Also there are also some restrictions that stop the verses from
transforming into one another. I also liked very much the last line
in each stanza. Try and make the real stand out;
a little more refinement in the individual character;
on untried love and decayed fortunes, so your body is left unused, you’ve never been robbed or fucked ?
You come up with some weighty imports into your poem, which I like very much. There is an intense feeling; even voices could not be elated with bad manners (wine OR beer)
Also there are also some restrictions that stop the verses from
transforming into one another. I also liked very much the last line
in each stanza. Try and make the real stand out;
a little more refinement in the individual character;
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RichardSanders
- Prolific Poster
- Posts: 466
- Joined: Fri May 20, 2011 3:23 pm
I like the redraft less than the original.
it puts more focus on a few lines that strike me as a bit clichéd.
ex. violins, music ceases, "The silence drowns out the noise" and "I want to tell you I'm just like this"
I think if you find other ways to express yourself without these, you might have a good piece.
Suggestions:
"The silence drowns out the noise"
Silence swallows the noise whole.
"I want to tell you I'm just like this"
Do you see my mirror image?
Hope it helps.
Kindest
Richard.
it puts more focus on a few lines that strike me as a bit clichéd.
ex. violins, music ceases, "The silence drowns out the noise" and "I want to tell you I'm just like this"
I think if you find other ways to express yourself without these, you might have a good piece.
Suggestions:
"The silence drowns out the noise"
Silence swallows the noise whole.
"I want to tell you I'm just like this"
Do you see my mirror image?
Hope it helps.
Kindest
Richard.