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gavin
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Mon Oct 31, 2011 3:05 am

Pearly half-toned feeling
her food the colour of light.
With-in the clever mechanism of imitation
expressing her-self, scorching from smoky shadows,
I rode into to-morrow on her lips,
I cannot imagine or dream of her sensuality;
Or petition her to be Isis the goddess of life
my words are but mingled ignorance,
A wind –instrument left in the corner;
With my healthiest tools I carve a totem to her beauty.
Suzanne
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Mon Oct 31, 2011 6:20 am

Hi Gavin,

As always, some original and very lovely phrases. Nice to see you.
Off to work, I'll come back later and say more.
Suzanne
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Wed Nov 02, 2011 9:20 pm

I really like the first half, especially "I rode into to-morrow on her lips" which is a fantastic line.

The second half loses me a bit but I think that's because of line six: "I cannot imagine or dream of her sensuality." I think it just verges on the edge of a cliche whereas the rest is completely original and thought-provoking.
Suzanne
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Thu Nov 03, 2011 11:08 am

Hi gavin,

I liked these lines the best:

Or petition her to be Isis the goddess of life
my words are but mingled ignorance,
A wind –instrument left in the corner;

I think that your imagery is so imaginative and enjoyable.
Suzanne
Mic
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Thu Nov 03, 2011 11:27 am

gavin wrote:I rode into to-morrow on her lips,
That's a fantastic line Gavin.

Have you come across Billy Childish?

http://www.billychildish.com/home.html

Mic
"Do not feel lonely, the entire universe is inside you" - Rumi
Mic
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Thu Nov 03, 2011 5:51 pm

(I've just noticed that E-M-P also describes that line as a fantastic line!)
"Do not feel lonely, the entire universe is inside you" - Rumi
Mercurygirl
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Fri Nov 04, 2011 9:15 am

gavin wrote:Pearly half-toned feeling
her food the colour of light.
With-in the clever mechanism of imitation
This is my favourite part! Very nice.
Last edited by Mercurygirl on Tue Jun 26, 2012 12:21 pm, edited 2 times in total.
gavin
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Sat Nov 05, 2011 11:11 pm

This is about two women came up to me,
While I was on the bad manners,
the indulgence of vanity and pleasure
Can over me. We went back to my place.

Their odours fanned from the wind coming from the adjacent river
i rode exquisite beauty upon threshold to threshold
the tranquil endurance subdued my melancholy
one can be distracted by doudts and fears, but it was their wispers;
so i lay my offerings at their feet,

thank mercurygirl, beautiful mic, girly suzanne, and eat me,
it is nice that you all took the tour with me;

people like yourselves like to read about emblems to the heart.

thank you very much.
RichardSanders
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Tue Nov 08, 2011 12:17 am

Hi Gavin,

Very nice.
If any crit at all, I didn't feel the flow was constant throughout.
Could just be me though.
as said, very nice.

Kindest,
Richard.
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