Poppy

New to poetry? Unsure about the quality of your work? Then why not post here to receive some gentle feedback.
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Moth
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Fri Oct 28, 2011 8:19 pm

It lay at the foot of the concrete stairwell,
dirt-streaked and trodden,
a tear through one petal,
barely visible

compared to that yellow glob of spit
on another,

the slime
darkening the red seen by many,
yet so few were conscious,

concerned with nothing more
than avoiding a stain
on the sole of their everyday shoes.
to be totally honest... whenever you feel you really shouldn't write that, that's exactly what you should write.
JohnLott
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Fri Oct 28, 2011 9:26 pm

Emotional.
Not boring -
nor mundane ordinary.
You see life here....

J.
Before you shave with Occam’s razor - Try epilation or microlaser
Moth
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Sun Oct 30, 2011 1:40 am

I bet. But seeing that poppy like that - and in an area considered quite a nice place to live - just goes to show. Ignorant or what?
to be totally honest... whenever you feel you really shouldn't write that, that's exactly what you should write.
Arian
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Tue Nov 01, 2011 6:05 pm

Perhaps ironically, given my previous comment on your stuff, I like the title of this, but I'm not so convinced by the piece itself.

I like the way it starts but, after that, it seems to lose its way a little, drifting into a slightly forced rhythm (not helped by the - to me - unintuitive line breaks), awkward syntax and slightly tired language.

All the same, I quite enjoyed reading it.

Cheers
peter
Moth
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Wed Nov 02, 2011 12:16 am

t seems to lose its way a little, drifting into a slightly forced rhythm (not helped by the - to me - unintuitive line breaks), awkward syntax and slightly tired language.
Ooooo, that smarts. But rightly so. When it comes to presentation, I don't think I'll ever improve. My syntax is appauling. I've rarely any idea how to set things out properly and my line breaks are always hit or miss. But tired language, even slightly tired, I hate and there's no need for it. I should have let this settle before posting, at least until my mind got into gear enough to come up with something fresher. It's one of those pieces intended as a snapsot of something I spotted, wanted to write about while it was still in my mind and I'm glad I did, but what I take from it now is one simple phrase 'spitting on poppies' which hardly makes for a poem on its own. Thanks for the honest crit, Peter. It's exactly what I need if I'm ever going to improve.
to be totally honest... whenever you feel you really shouldn't write that, that's exactly what you should write.
Arian
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Thu Nov 03, 2011 7:49 pm

Moth wrote:My syntax is appauling.
But your spelling is very creative, at least. :D
Moth
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Fri Nov 04, 2011 10:03 am

Appalling, yes. :) Ach, I give up :roll:
to be totally honest... whenever you feel you really shouldn't write that, that's exactly what you should write.
Arian
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Sat Nov 05, 2011 12:31 pm

Moth wrote: Ach, I give up :roll:
That would be a shame.
Moth
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Sat Nov 05, 2011 3:49 pm

...as from one cigarette to the next :)
to be totally honest... whenever you feel you really shouldn't write that, that's exactly what you should write.
gavin
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Sun Nov 06, 2011 3:32 am

A very very good poem

One must run slowly into the vortex of poetry
It can sweep you up with-out thinking;
For it rules are religious and classical
But also these laws are so fucking irritable;

Your poem gets wonderfully lost in the clouds of madness
Which gives it strength and substance.
The poem comes with frankness, with academic observations,
The unruffled forehead of the narrator gazes into his crystal mirror
And gives a poem festooned with snot;

Then brings out pearls of wisdom;
Loved it,
Moth
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Sun Nov 06, 2011 3:52 am

Laughing here, lost for words. A humble thank you.
to be totally honest... whenever you feel you really shouldn't write that, that's exactly what you should write.
RichardSanders
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Mon Nov 07, 2011 11:32 pm

Very nice.

Gritty and observant.
How the little things that get ignored can really hit you in the face.
Humbly impressed.

Kindest
Richard.
Moth
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Tue Nov 08, 2011 9:41 am

Thanks, Richard.
to be totally honest... whenever you feel you really shouldn't write that, that's exactly what you should write.
Mercurygirl
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Tue Nov 08, 2011 10:03 am

I agree with Richard, who cares about syntax, this poem is gritty and emotive and there is a poignancy to it. well done!
LincsLad

Fri Feb 17, 2012 7:50 pm

Really nice work. Just a quick question - is it a normal poppy or a paper Remembrance Sunday poppy?

James
Moth
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Sat Feb 25, 2012 4:40 am

Thanks, you two. It was a paper poppy.
to be totally honest... whenever you feel you really shouldn't write that, that's exactly what you should write.
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