Fairy Nature - version 2 (edit)

[anaisnais]

I’m fairy nature,
come to collect fall’s leaf wares
to help make a coat.

A coat of sunsets,
a last breath of summer’s glow
to wrap up autumn.

I disguise myself
living amongst the woodlands,
squirrels, birds, and bees.

Slowly with magic
I single handedly turn
the seasons over;
sweeping winds and driving rains,
giving nature rest till spring.

I nourish the land.
Autumn’s blanket becomes crisp,
stark, white, purity,
I contrast, redecorate
new, sleek, sexy, wavy tones.





Fairy Nature - version 1

I’m fairy nature,
Come to collect fall’s leaf wares
to help make a coat.

A coat of sunsets,
A last breath of summer’s glow
To wrap up autumn.

I disguise myself
Living amongst the woodlands,
squirrels, bugs, birds, bees.

Slowly with magic
I single handedly turn
The season’s over;
Sweeping winds and driving rains,
Giving nature rest till spring.

I nourish the land.
Autumn’s blanket becomes crisp,
Stark, white, purity,
I contrast, redecorate
New, sleek, sexy, wavy tones.

[RichardSanders]

Hi Anais,

Beautiful imagination at work here.
I absolutely love the second stanza.
A small nit though; You seem to use capitals when your punctuation indicates you're mid-sentence.
To me, it interferres with the read. If it's deliberate to indicate emphases, (i don't thinks it is though) I don't think you need it.

Also, in the third stanza:
squirrels, bugs, birds, bees
I'd prefer "and bees". I unconsiously add it as I read the line.

Lastly, in the fourth stanza,
"season’s" -> shouldn't this be "seasons" as in plural of season?
and
"Giving nature rest till spring."
I'd like to give a suggestion if you don't mind;
Granting nature rest till spring.

Hope it helps.

Kindest,
Richard.

[anaisnais]

Thankyou so much for taking time to go through Richard and it's not a nit pick it's the only way of my moving forward - and let's face it they are silly mistakes too - never hurts to have that second paair of eyes cast over... I can't change word count without changing words as is haiku tanka chain attempt so must think on this further. I like your last suggestion too, and thankyou for your input here... Much appreciated - kindest thoughts...

[Antcliff]

I'd prefer "and bees". I unconsiously add it as I read the line.

Hi.I like this...but rather agree with Richard. Unconsciously I add it..perhaps echoing rhyme of preceding line (Woodlands).
Cheers,
Ant

[anaisnais]

Thankyou Antcliff, I have taken out the word bugs to insert and in that line instead. I don't think it takes away from the stanza. Thanks for view and input! Kindest thoguhts...

[L.G.Werribold]

Reminds me of childhood days kicking through the autumn fallen leaves along a woodland path. It's simple and light and bowls you along.

[Sandbanx]

This is a nice little poem.

Love the groupings:
squirrels, birds, and bees.
stark, white, purity,
new, sleek, sexy, wavy tones.

But wonder if they could all be three, or all be four, and if the word "and" could be added to two of those lines:

Squirrels, birds and bees,
stark white AND pure
new, sleek AND sexy....

in the openng line, I might prefer "I am fairy nature" to "I'm fairy nature"


And I have to admit that while I really like the idea and the image, I had a hard time reading aloud, this line:

"come to collect fall’s leaf wares"

Maybe you could stretch the rules and combine "leaf" and "wares" into a single phrase "leaf-wares" or "leafwares"? To avoid the extra pause.

Also and this is not really a big issue and I stand to be corrected for sure, but I read in S1 that you are collecting leaves to help make a coat, and then in S2 it is a "coat of sunsets". And not a coat of leaves? Or of leaves and sunsets?

can I suggest in (S2) "A sunset coloured coat"

That said, when I read (S1) again, that the leaves are to HELP make a coat, then S2 could stay as is and the implication being that it is indeed, "a coat of leaves and sunsets"

Now I am rambling, but truly, I like this poem and was very pleased to see it here and to see that it was well received. Good stuff.