Empty Slippers

[onlyifonly]

Presents unopened under an unlit tree
wrapped with love, crinkled paper and tape
Tags of snowmen with orange noses and black hats,
a christmas attire appropriate for the occasion.
A pair of empty slippers by the fireside
A family of heavy hearts at a joyous time

Presents opened on the floor of the family home
rich smells of a baking oven of treats to come
the table set for all, and all set for the table
Kids playing, crumpled paper and tape all around,
discarded tags of santa with jolly smile,
a suitable family christmas attire

A time for the young, with happiness wrapped in glitter and ribbon
A time for the rest to remember, to be happy and sad, together and alone
lightened only by fond memories of a life moved on
raise a glass for what has been and what will come again
and believe with all your soul, a toast of 'au revoir'

A family gathered in a quiet green yard in January
black statues moved but not moving stand
stiller than the grey stones surrounding.
A gentle rain falling on the tear dampened grass
a single loved one without umbrella
The patter of the rain dulling the echos of falling earth on wood

Let go of your grief, do not dwell
on the things you have lost
for each that goes leaves many in their wake
a time to hold on to those who love and be loved
a time to be apart and a time to know
that in the end, we will all be together again

[RichardSanders]

Hi OiO,

A hefty subject to be sure.
Difficult to put such deep and complex emotions into poetic coherency.
I'd like to make some careful observations which I hope won't hurt your feelings.

I think you should consider shortening this drastically.
I'd suggest to take the key sentences and limit elaborating on the imagery.
This is what spring out at me:
"Presents unopened under an unlit tree"
"Kids playing, crumpled paper and tape all around,
discarded tags of santa with jolly smile"
"a toast of 'au revoir'"
"The patter of the rain dulling the echos of falling earth on wood"

In all, I think the first line is almost enough in itself. I think you could write all you wanted to say, in three or four lines.
Doing so might increase the impact make it all the more poignant.

One last suggestion:
"A gentle rain falling on the tear dampened grass"
This makes no sense to me:
Wouldn't the rain dampen the grass instead of the tears.
Maybe use something like:
"Tears lost in a gentle rain"
and perhaps some reference to the smell of the freshly dug-up earth. That may transport the reader.

I'm not sure about the last stanza. It's to explicit and obvious.
I could be summarized with, "we'll meet again."

I hope my feedback helps to improve the piece.

Kindest,
Richard.

[anaisnais]

You've made a great start here and have something you can work with now - try rephrasing some of the lines - sometimes rhyme, meter or form help a piece fall into place, I've still alot to learn myself. I can see you are off-setting what should be a joyous occassion with what has left a family of heartache. Some pieces just take more playing with than you ever first imagined. Don't scrap it run with it and work with what you have already, it should make for a tidy read - please nudge me when you have finished so I can re-read it!

[onlyifonly]

Thanks folks,
Some excellent feedback. Rightly observed this is early days. It all grew out of one image of the funeral. The image that everyone other than the loved one in the coffin had an umbrella.

You are right about the grass. Technically the tears could wet the grass before it rains but such a technicality adds nothing. It would be better to refer to the mix of tears and rain too.

Lots to think about

I think this is just the way I seem to build poems. I start verbose and then distill down. So some distilling to do.

S

[Antcliff]

the table set for all, and all set for the table


A gentle rain falling on the tear dampened grass

Hi
Weighty themes here and much to like. Sincere sounding xmas poems are rare..but this manages it.
I do like the line about the tables. Good line.
Tear dampened grass..not quite believing in that though.
I am not sure about "echos" (echoes?) ceated by falling earth. Why echoes rather than just first time sound?
Enjoyed it..thank you.

[onlyifonly]

Thanks for the kind words. All your points are valuable. Been thinking about next version but just need to let it simmer for a while

[NorwichPoet]

Hi there,

Indeed a heavy subject as others have mentioned, but brought together feelings of a personal experience I have had - post Christmas funeral, so really feel the sentiment of unopened presents.

My only comment (if I dare) is some lines lack rhythm/flow, I'm not sure which as I am a new poet myself. I look forward to seeing a revised version as it really is a special poem.

NorwichPoet

[Sandbanx]

Hi OnlyifOnly

I agree that this is indeed a heavy subject but you have placed in it also, hope and gratitude, so its not so heavy as it might be. A few thoughts:

There is some repetition/contradiction:

“Presents unopened under an unlit tree”
“Presents opened on the floor of the family home”

“Tags of snowmen”
“discarded tags of santa”

“unlit tree”
yet
“happiness wrapped in glitter and ribbon”

“….black hats,
a christmas attire appropriate for the occasion.”

“…jolly smile,
a suitable family christmas attire”

All in all this is a tough poem to write I am sure, and I commend you for that, but I agree that this could be much more powerful and poignant if it were shortened. Tighten up S1 and 3, and eliminate S2. And maybe delete the last stanza S5. You might find this poem even more poetic and poignant if you end at “… echoes of falling earth on wood”. Such an ending lets us think ….. “How might this (poem/life) have ended?”

Let S5 be a poem all on its own.

[Moth]

A very quick suggestion - keep all which hints and suggests and get rid of all which explains. The orange snowmen in black hats being a prime example. That line is superb on its own. All you need to follow it within that stanza is the word appropriate. Let the reader imagine the rest.