Your country is an insult. We use it to belittle
Adding prefixes to insults and orange in situ
My laughter makes you itchy, allergic reaction
I have never seen you giggle. Only hysterical frowns
You are the average norm. In all your grey glory
Staring at the traffic lights, desperately seeking green
You proved yourself wrong, declaring victory in a
deafening, predictable tone. Beyond torture
At the party of the primary school clique. No outsiders
The volume of the foreign folk swallows everything
You were disguised as politeness for a cursory second
But undressed yourself to reveal colourlessness
You’ve left me sitting, sinking towards my polemic
demise. Asleep and nullified. Not awake. Not dynamic
Nor any state in between. I only spend my time
internally and eternally howling at your nation
Howling at a Nation
Hiya,
This is a tricky one for me. I am not really sure that I follow this besides that it reads to me that you don't really like someone / a minority group of people but I don't know who or why...
Certainly a start would be to decide on the capitals, you started with each line beginning in uppercase (something I've discovered myself makes it tricky to read) but then by S4 you had forgotten and a lower case crept into S2 too. Ignoring that you had some good statements hidden within some misplaced punctuation - it appears like the full stops are in all the wrong places (where I think commas were the intent) and some line endings have been forgotten - this is probably just me having missed something fundamental though...
I think the words show promise, but the presentation lets you down in this one, hopefully someone else is better placed than I to help you improve it as I'd like to see a rework
Alucinary.
This is a tricky one for me. I am not really sure that I follow this besides that it reads to me that you don't really like someone / a minority group of people but I don't know who or why...
Certainly a start would be to decide on the capitals, you started with each line beginning in uppercase (something I've discovered myself makes it tricky to read) but then by S4 you had forgotten and a lower case crept into S2 too. Ignoring that you had some good statements hidden within some misplaced punctuation - it appears like the full stops are in all the wrong places (where I think commas were the intent) and some line endings have been forgotten - this is probably just me having missed something fundamental though...
I think the words show promise, but the presentation lets you down in this one, hopefully someone else is better placed than I to help you improve it as I'd like to see a rework
Alucinary.
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-
Arian
- Perspicacious Poster
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- Joined: Tue Aug 11, 2009 8:41 am
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- Location: Hertfordshire, UK
I'm sorry, but my first reaction was that this had to be something produced by one of those oh-so-amusing internet games which string random phrases together to make a "poem". It's just so full of constructions which completely defeat any attempt at sensible interpretation.
Having said that, I thought
Staring at the traffic lights, desperately seeking green
You proved yourself wrong, declaring victory in a
deafening, predictable tone
was a good, even admirable, sequence, in which there lies something recognisably (a) meaningful, and (b) poetic.
Sorry to be so negative on the whole.
peter
Adding prefixes to insults and orange in situ
You are the average norm
are just three examples. I could have chosen several other, equally impenetrable, sequences.sinking towards my polemic
demise.
Having said that, I thought
Staring at the traffic lights, desperately seeking green
You proved yourself wrong, declaring victory in a
deafening, predictable tone
was a good, even admirable, sequence, in which there lies something recognisably (a) meaningful, and (b) poetic.
Sorry to be so negative on the whole.
peter