Involuntary transparency (revised)

[RichardSanders]

V2.
I seethe with the desire to see myself
turn wine to ashes in our half drunk glasses
and with them, cover our venomous words
stinging the eyes of our children
with the burn of our blazing hatred.

V1.
I rage with desire to see myself
turn wine to ashes in our half drunk glasses
and use them to hide our swallowed words
reflected in the eyes of our children
by the light of our burning hate.

[EatMyPoetry]

I really like this, especially the half-rhyme of "ashes" and "glasses" in L2.

My only crit would be that maybe "burning hate" is slightly clichéd. I like "blazing hate" more but that's just my opinion.

I enjoyed this a lot!

[Alucinary]

Richard,

I like it, I dont think theres anything that needs changing in this one for it to read nicely possibly I might "desire with rage" or "rage with the desire" but thats little difference. Also, for me, I would end with "by the light of our internal fires." as its very slightly less explicit but if you like it as it is then I say leave it.

All the best,

Alucinary.

[Petronius]

Perhaps if " transparency" was spelled correctly it would help. Also " them" seems to have no subject, unless it is "ashes", which seems a little odd.
" I" seems to turn into "our". This not nit -picking. Poetry, even the most emotional, should be both syntactically and grammatically correct.
Inside there is a good poem needing some careful re-reading. P

[RichardSanders]

Hi Petronius,

Thanks for pointing out the typo in the title.
As for syntax and grammar. Sorry but there is nothing wrong with that. (Yes, "them" does refer to "ashes")
Imagine someone saying these lines to their soon to be ex-spouse and you'll see.

Kindest
Richard.

[Petronius]

How strange that three people hit the wrong key. However if you are happy then so am I. P

[RichardSanders]

How strange that three people hit the wrong key. P

Not sure what you mean.

[Petronius]

Hitting the wrong key is a typo. This is a spelling mistake. Not that it matters very much. I make typos
but not spelling mistakes. It's my age and background. The study of Latin and Greek requires very
great accuracy and I'm sure it made me a champion nit-picker. Take no notice. Carry on with the good work.
Remember I liked your first poem . Best wishes.P.
By the way, what's a nit ?

[RichardSanders]

Hi Petronius,

My question was more about which three people you were referring to. After all, it was my spelling mistake and the title is automatically duplicated for those who comment.
So it wasn't three people hitting the wrong key. It was just me.
But no matter.

By the way, what's a nit ?

Short for nit-pick?
No idea where it comes from.
Remember I'm dutch and English isn't my native language.
So please forgive me my spelling mistakes and my ignorance.

Remember I liked your first poem .

Which one is that P?
I've written quite a few by now and my first two weren't suitable for this forum so...
I'm just curious which one you mean.


Kindest,
Richard.

[Arian]

Hi Richard

I can't say I agree with P's claim that:

Poetry, even the most emotional, should be both syntactically and grammatically correct.

which is demonstrably at odds with historical fact.

On the other hand, he's right in pointing out that the pronoun "them" is attached to ashes, not glasses, which makes that line a bit confusing.

Cheers
peter

[RichardSanders]

Hi Peter,

I agree the pronoun them refers to ashes not glasses. It is intended so.
After all how would glasses be used to hide anything.
I share confusion but mine is confusion about why you would expect them to refer to anything other than ashes.
You swallow words, you swallow wine. you don't swallow glasses.
You can use ashes to cover something up and hide it. you can't hide anything behind glass.
Perhaps there is some common reference in English language or culture, I lack, that makes me unable to understand your seemingly compulsory association between "hiding swallowed words" and "glasses".
If so.. please enlighten me.

What remains the fact that you are reading it, as it was intended because the syntax and grammar is correct per intent, even though you seem confused by it.
If you have a suggestion how it would work better, I'd love to read it.

Thanks for your insights.

Kindest,
Richard.

[Arian]

No, Richard, sorry - I have no better suggestions. It's fine as it is.

Cheers
peter

[Alucinary]

You swallow words, you swallow wine. you don't swallow glasses.
You can use ashes to cover something up and hide it. you can't hide anything behind glass.
Perhaps there is some common reference in English language or culture, I lack, that makes me unable to understand your seemingly compulsory association between "hiding swallowed words" and "glasses".
If so.. please enlighten me.

Richard,

I still like your poem and personally read it as ashes until the comments but it works equally well with the interpretation of glasses in my view. In an arkward situation at a gathering of people where nobody knows what to say it is very easy simply to take a few sips from you glass as an excuse not to speak - hance hiding behind glasses works well in my view

Well done all the same though as I enjoy it more the more I read it.

Alucinary

[RichardSanders]

Hi Alucinary,

I see what you mean about hiding behind glasses. This hadn't occurred to me yet.
Now I understand what the others meant.
I'm glad you like it. I do think the confusion about the ashes and glasses might require some more thought.
Not sure if I will change it but I'll consider it for a while. Even if you think it unnecessary
Thanks for your interest.

Kindest,
Richard.