Who am I?

[Macavity]

..

[Arian]

Wow, you certainly don't believe in dodging the Big Questions, do you! Maybe - just maybe - a different title would work with the piece, instead of setting it up as a bit of an Aunt Sally.

That aside, though, there's a lot to admire about this. It's structure, almost like a sequence of themed epigrams, could easily be terribly mishandled, wallowing in the more obvious kind of cliche and over-sentimentality. But I think you've done a commendable job in (generally, not totally) avoiding that. And one or two sequences carry real weight - the crying kids one, for example. I like the beginning and end, which are both nicely judged.

In all, a thoughtful and generally well-executed piece, I'd say.

cheers
peter

[Antcliff]

Hi
I like the gradual elimination of the places the person could be...and so are. That is nice.

On the other hand, why are they staring into space? Not sure I quite understand that.

Best wishes,
Seth

[Macavity]

Thank you Peter for your comments. Any sentimentality/cliche please feel free to highlight and I'll work on revising. I chose the title because I imagined a child's mind after death and the gradual loss of self-identity and change in consciousness. I've changed the title, but I'm not sure if it diverts from the original intention and imples a fiction.

mac

[Macavity]

Thank you Seth. I guess when the details fade that is all that is left...space.

cheers

mac

[Antcliff]

Hi
Okay, but why staring into space? Just wondering if you had anything in mind there.

Seth

[Macavity]

Okay, but why staring into space? Just wondering if you had anything in mind there.

hi Seth
I was looking to convey vacancy - as in the phrase 'staring into space'. Also, for me, the staring into an 'endless' night as the memories lose their focus.

cheers

mac

[Arian]

Hi mac

People often interpret sentimentality in its narrow sense - that is, to do with excessive emotion and so on. In prose/poetry, though, it has a wider jurisdiction, and can mean an appeal to "pre-packaged" phrases/notions to produce a steroetyped response. It's in this sense that I think your piece, admirable though it is in some ways, can be accused of - occasionally - being sentimental.

Cheers
peter

[Macavity]

and can mean an appeal to "pre-packaged" phrases/notions to produce a steroetyped response.

Thanks for coming back Peter. Sentimentality is an interesting subject. The moral v sentimental response; the sentimental response from a person who is not moral (perhaps evil); sentimentality as instinctive; sentimentality as a product of language. I appreciate your addition of the writer/reader conspiracy

cheers

mac

[Arian]

Hi mac

well, I'm sure you're right - I only wish I could claim that I meant my remark in the profound way you seem to have interpreted it. But, sadly, I can't. I'm not even sure I know what you mean. I fear my input may be on a level much below the sophistication of your needs. Still, I like to engage with your stuff, so I'll continue to comment from time to time, if that's OK, and just hope I'm not being too basic and obvious. I'm afraid I'm a bear of very little brain. A well-intentioned bear, though.

cheers
peter

[Zorro]

I like this very much. Children often have an intense awareness of the world around them and the 'mini-worlds' of the lives of other children can create strong feelings in their imaginations. The way you have 'toured' the world of this child reflects this very well and makes the reader (well me anyway) feel it too.

[Macavity]

Your time and responses are appreciated Peter. I find them thoughtful and helpful and thought-provoking. Pleased your intention is to continue reading my attempts.

mac

[Macavity]

the 'mini-worlds' of the lives of other children

Thank you Zorro. I hadn't consciously considered that, but you're right - the expression 'mini-world' is a an interesting starting point.

mac