Procrastination for the nation
this box of pictures hold us down
a zombie nation we created
staring blindly at the box
we do not work
we do not play
our vision stolen
minds fade away
But this does not matter
no this poem can not teach
you will still go home tonight
and say
"Put the Tele on"
Following the advice below i have changed the second stanza and corrected the last line
THANK YOU ALL
OLD SECOND STANZA
Gone are the days of playing in rain
no muddy clothes for mum
a virtual world, is where excel
losing sight of the world around
Television
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Arian
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I can see what you're trying to say, and I quite enjoyed parts of it, but I do think it would benefit from better punctuation. For me, s2 seems almost meaningless, just a jumble of words.
Repeating 'nation' three times in the first three lines also jarred a little.
Still, with a bit of tidying, it could be a pretty nice piece.
Cheers
peter
Repeating 'nation' three times in the first three lines also jarred a little.
Still, with a bit of tidying, it could be a pretty nice piece.
Cheers
peter
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brianedwards
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Yeah, I get the sentiment, but really, in 2012, don't you think that TV is an odd target for this kind of rant? Seems a little passé to me.
Also, listen to your first and last lines. Do they sound consistent to you, in terms of voice? The first line sounds like a rap. The "my sweet" at the end might be intended as irony, but it comes across as a forced rhyme.
Good energy though. Hope you post more.
B.
Also, listen to your first and last lines. Do they sound consistent to you, in terms of voice? The first line sounds like a rap. The "my sweet" at the end might be intended as irony, but it comes across as a forced rhyme.
Good energy though. Hope you post more.
B.
