Bread and Water

[Zorro]

Heard a lot of sermons
drunk at the Church's breast.
Avoided sand, built on rock.
The straight n narrow way to be blest

Tried hide and seek with angels
who laughed at men and mice.
Then played hunt the thimble
with the pearl of great price.

But the furniture moves about these days
Keep getting a different view.
I think there's more questions than answers
though can't tell you whether thats' true.

So now the bread's unsliced.
Cut with a double-edged knife.
The water comes unfiltered,
Full of germs. Full of life.

Write the word TRUST on a stone
and throw it in the sea.
Watch the ripples till sunset.
Touch the mystery.

[Tim Love]

I like many of the ideas in this ("hide and seek with angels", the last stanza, etc), but the erratic rhythm makes it feel clunky (even Ogden Nashy) at times. If "with the pearl of great price" alludes to a particular pearl it's beyond me.

[Arian]

The first couplet of each stanza is quite nice, in terms of both rhythm and ideas. Then, though - as Tim says - each one seems to go badly awry, sounding a bit trite and rhythmically very awkward.

Also...

straight n narrow - straight'n narrow (perhaps)
thats' - that's

In short, some promise here, but I think it needs a bit of polishing yet.

Cheers
peter

[Petronius]

Since I am ancient I understood " pearl of great price". It is almost impossible to make allusions to the
bible, book of common prayer etc. and expect to be understood. The same goes for references to
classical literature. A poet can not expect a body of educated readers as T.S. Eliot did. I wonder
how much of " The Waste Land " with its quotations from many sources is understood now.
I enjoyed reading a poem from someone who does not reject rhythm and form.
Rhythm need not always be regular, vide John Skelton. His " ragged " and " jagged " rhythm "
served him well in his satirical attacks .
I readily forgive a few lapses. You are attempting to achieve something very difficult.
I wish you well. Keep it up.

PS. By "educated readers " I mean people educated in the same way. Latin, Bible, Greek and Roman
myths etc. etc. Perhaps an elite? I just noticed " mice and men. " Another allusion ?

[David]

I think the first two verses, and the last, are very good, although admittedly a bit clunky. I don't think the middle two add much in their present form, but they could be improved, I'm sure.

Cheers

David

[Deryn]

I like bits and pieces of this. But as bits and pieces it doesn't flow and hold together too well.

Definitely worth keeping hold of and working on.

Deryn

[stuartryder]

Hi Zorro - like several lines in this. There's something missing I feel in the rhythm of the last line of the second stanza?

In the third stanza it might be rather neat if you ended on a question; something like:

I think there's more questions than answers,
but is that strictly true?

Thanks for the read

Stuart

Heard a lot of sermons
drunk at the Church's breast.
Avoided sand, built on rock.
The straight n narrow way to be blest

Tried hide and seek with angels
who laughed at men and mice.
Then played hunt the thimble
with the pearl of great price.

But the furniture moves about these days
Keep getting a different view.
I think there's more questions than answers
though can't tell you whether thats' true.

So now the bread's unsliced.
Cut with a double-edged knife.
The water comes unfiltered,
Full of germs. Full of life.

Write the word TRUST on a stone
and throw it in the sea.
Watch the ripples till sunset.
Touch the mystery.

[LunarTree]

I really like the line

Tried hide and seek with angels
who laughed at men and mice.

though the two lines after that makes it fell a little clucky

[David]

ZZZZZZZZZZZ