Invisible fan always breathing
usually caressing faces tenderly
with softly humming ghostly moans
I stepped upon
with wrapped clothes
a dribbled-upon grass
glowing with appetising dew
mirror vision
in ice cube puddles
dog leaded behind
tredding
imprinted stepping stones
on a newborn land
Winter stroll
We've decided to move this into beginners.
Again, it's littered with cliche - 'caressing faces tenderly', 'softly humming', 'ghostly moans'.
'I stepped upon
with wrapped clothes
a dribbled-upon grass
glowing with appetising dew' - Does this sound correct to you - is the syntax correct? - 'I stepped upon with wrapped clothes'?
'a dribbled-upon grass
glowing with appetising dew' - appetising means whetting the appetite.
'dog leaded behind
tredding
imprinted stepping stones
on a newborn land'
I don't get your meaning here - 'dog leaded behind'. You must admit, it sounds like an affliction. You really need to read through your work to see if it makes sense, and if others will make sense of it too.
tredding - treading; check your spelling.
You can write better than this, your first verse of 'Finding' was a good example. Like I said then, read your poem through carefully, remove cliches, check spelling and grammar; finally, make sure that it makes sense. I'm sure it won't take you long to rectify things - just keep writing and reading modern poets - Eliot, Larkin etc - you'll find a comprehensive selection on the home page.
Keep at it.
Barrie
Again, it's littered with cliche - 'caressing faces tenderly', 'softly humming', 'ghostly moans'.
'I stepped upon
with wrapped clothes
a dribbled-upon grass
glowing with appetising dew' - Does this sound correct to you - is the syntax correct? - 'I stepped upon with wrapped clothes'?
'a dribbled-upon grass
glowing with appetising dew' - appetising means whetting the appetite.
'dog leaded behind
tredding
imprinted stepping stones
on a newborn land'
I don't get your meaning here - 'dog leaded behind'. You must admit, it sounds like an affliction. You really need to read through your work to see if it makes sense, and if others will make sense of it too.
tredding - treading; check your spelling.
You can write better than this, your first verse of 'Finding' was a good example. Like I said then, read your poem through carefully, remove cliches, check spelling and grammar; finally, make sure that it makes sense. I'm sure it won't take you long to rectify things - just keep writing and reading modern poets - Eliot, Larkin etc - you'll find a comprehensive selection on the home page.
Keep at it.
Barrie
Ok, thanks a lot Barrie, I think it was a bit of a half-hearted effort, to be honest. I'll keep writing, and see if i can come up with something better. adam
Nice one - just keep trying. Have you read any of Seamus Heaney's stuff? You might get something out of it.
http://www.poemhunter.com/seamus-heaney/poet-6714/
cheers
Barrie
http://www.poemhunter.com/seamus-heaney/poet-6714/
cheers
Barrie