which path? Rushed.

[Nunkadesu]

Rushed,
Which path? “doesn’t matter, just go!”
Clocking past milestones and checkpoints,
To boast? I say empty offerings to us.
Quick break, look back,
Flushed.
Change direction,
No break, or escape button
Only one try,
Searching in the immersive scrap yard of mundane and broken algorithmic patterns, all paths copied and pasted, superficial at best,
Persistently slipped, nudged and shoved onto me,
People’s regrets project my trajectory,
Want more.
Treading less carefully off of beaten paths and plastic highways.
Trying to let originality compass my direction,
Difficult when people tend to look at you sideways
Effort Expended (proportional to) knowledge + strength gained = Maths is beautiful, fathomable.
Where’s my time?
Layers of pseudo-lenses,
Where are my real eyes?
Brief flashes of truth feel so invigorating, rooted, relevant, eternal,
Appearing so pervasive, colossal.
Joy! Moved to humility and feelings of shared responsibility.
Fundamentally, we understand then create,
Basic,
stuck wading through arbitrary complexity,
Struggling against waves and tides,
For stability and consistency,
To build upon and ensure longevity,
All for the next generation of gene machinery?
For what?
Self preservation.

[Suzanne]

Hi Nunkadesu,

Welcome to Pg. here is the link relating to the rules of posting and critiquing. Take a peak and you'll get the most out of the site.

http://poetsgraves.co.uk/forum/viewtopic.php?t=2605

As a title, Rushed is certainly the pace of the poem. It feel quite frantic.

For me, the format riddled with interesting words strung together doesn't help me understand what is occurring. The picture helps clarify it is a space endeavor but I think you'd gain impact with a more direct narrative, perhaps including more concrete imagery to run along side the dialogue.

Worth tidying up with an edit.

Suzanne

[Nunkadesu]

Thank you Suzanne for taking time to read and comment . If nothing else I'm glad you felt the poems frantic nature, it's how i feel as a young person growing up and having to constantly make big choices to decide on a path in life. The picture aimed to be a kind of zoomed out version of the paths i struggle with, into the paths humankind pave - in particular science and space exploration.

I take your comment on board, and agree with it. I will think about how to re-edit to make the narrative clearer.

Thanks again! that was the first online critique I've received

[Arian]

A lot to admire here. As Suzanne says, it evokes a sense of panic, which is well done. And there are several very nice passages with enjoyable sonics. The assonance here, for example...

Persistently slipped, nudged and shoved onto me,
People’s regrets project my trajectory,

is very good.

Against that, there's also quite a bit of chaos, almost anarchy, in the structure. This could be deliberate, to enhance the panic effect, but I don't think it is.

Still, a very promising first post.

cheers
peter

[Macavity]

Trying to let originality compass my direction,
Difficult when people tend to look at you sideways

That made me smile.

Effort Expended (proportional to) knowledge + strength gained = Maths is beautiful, fathomable.

Liked the fact you used a + and an = , though the equation for clarity should have one outcome eg either beautiful or fathomable (I prefer the latter).

cheers

mac

[oranggunung]

Hi ND

There’s a lot of energy here and that’s fun. I like the sonics too.

The one stanza format and the very long lines are a little daunting for a new reader. Are there any breaks that you might use thematically or for dramatic effect? Any linking lines to lead from one section to another?

I prefer poems dealing with issues like these to leave me with a question (or questions) to ponder, rather than an answer. Do you need the very last line?


Looking forward to reading more

og