Almost heaven

[Ewan_McTeagle]

The children are gone. Too old to look over
the shoulder. At the railway. To dismantle the giant stone
into a little rock you could throw. Make waves on the surface
of the puddle. And still wish for an ocean.
I have a game with no pieces and rules. Shades of grey
like a five day stubble on my face. I watch the roses
of wind so I could jump without tangling up in the clouds.

From east to west the sky is slow. It doesn’t wait for me
anymore. What did she mean when she said nothing?
Am I a victim? Of her, then? Did I wish to have confessed
another love? Or to feel unwanted and go out in a way?

All of her features contained. She remains.
Running before me with her arms open. And regrets
everything behind. Claiming that happiness
only appeared to have been. But those eyes give her away.
She can’t recall where did she left that dream. Tucked
in a blanket. Waiting for a mature allegory of a poet
who was puring out his love. And almost haven’t noticed
that he had accidentally described heaven.

[cameron]

Hi Ewan,

Welcome back.

I certainly enjoyed this but I did have a few problems with it:

1) The first verse seems to be a different poem from verses 2 and 3.

2) You use a lot of full stops which gives the piece a halting/stop-start kind of feel. It would run more smoothly if you went for more commas or semi-colons.

3) There are a few odd constructions e.g.

"She can’t recall where did she left that dream"

Just leave out "did"??

I thought verses 2 and 3 were good though: deeply felt love poetry. Look forward to more.

Cheers
Cam

[Ewan_McTeagle]

thanx a lot. I'm still working on it.

[adder]

a creative poem