The Humanitarian

[Jackie]

I've outlasted the war.
But that girl from the waves
walks the beach still
as I sleep,
a wares tray shading her face.
She holds her head high.
The sun lights one cheek
when her cloth sweeps it by.
As in a dance the breeze flips her skirt
up her thigh
and her fore foot and face
lead her stride.

She sees me.
Always.
And always stumbling,
she falls.
"I know why you're here!"
She claws through the sand.

My eyelids fly up in the dark.

"Show me my home!"

"But the aid was a loan," I reply.
"We've climbed from the pits.
The ladders are stowed.
You're on your own.
Perhaps, if like Gretel you'd dropped
seashells
or stones, . . ."

[Suzanne]

You are quite talented Jackie. The whole is not completely understood but the poetry in use of imagery is very strong. I can see the girl and the dark room. The message is not as clear to me and maybe that is what you are aiming at. I think that knowing if the girl is a younger version of herself or if the girl is someone the N loaned money to would help clarify. I thought the girl was the N before the war, is that right?

Please keep writing and polishing this obvious talent you have. You seem to have an edge that could make powerfully relevant poetry. Seriously, this is something you should be doing more of if it gives you pleasure.

Warmly,
Suzanne

[KevJ]

I too enjoyed the strong imagery here Jackie. PG is a better place for your posting and I've come to look forward to your work. I too was a little unclear as to the message but suspect that's more to do with my ignorance than any failing of the poem.

[Jackie]

Suzanne and Kevj, I so much appreciate your kind words! Sorry to be so hard to understand. I guess instead of explaining what I am trying to say I'll work on a revision that's clearer.

Jackie

[Arian]

Hi Jackie. Interesting piece.

To be honest, I wasn't too struck by the imagery. In fact, I'd ask: what imagery? we have a girl walking the beach, the sun lighting a cheek, breezes flipping skirts, clawing through sand (actually I quite like that one), climbing from pits, ladders being stowed....is this imagery? If it is, it's - surely? - pretty familiar stuff. For me, this aspect of the piece is quite weak.

But that doesn't mean it's a bad poem. On the plus side, I think it's well-paced and the line-breaks well-chosen. But the real strength is the excellent way you've driven the rhythm with subtle but strong rhyming, both internal and end rhyme, coupled with a good sense of assonance (e.g. cheek/sweeps/breeze). It probably sounds good when read aloud. No, forget probably. It does. I've tried it.

Cheers
peter

[Antcliff]

Hi Jackie

On the plus side, I think it's well-paced and the line-breaks well-chosen. But the real strength is the excellent way you've driven the rhythm with subtle but strong rhyming, both internal and end rhyme, coupled with a good sense of assonance (e.g. cheek/sweeps/breeze). It probably sounds good when read aloud. No, forget probably. It does. I've tried it.

Yes, very much with Peter here. Bravo.

On the slightly more negative side, there is (I assume ) a political moral/point...the loan line rather steers us that way...but, unless I am muddled, the intended point does not really come into view. Considered simply as a tale of two people, there is perhaps too little to engage a reader. Considered as a (or also as a) poem with two figures symbolising something wider (about continuing exploitation making independence impossible?) it says too little for me.

By the way, Jackie, I am greatly enjoying your postings! Nice to have you around.

Best wishes,
Seth

[ray miller]

The sun lights one cheek
when her cloth sweeps it by. - What's it?

and her fore foot and face
lead her stride. - shows her pride well.

I find the ending unconvincing, not just because it was Hansel who laid the trail.The imagery of pits and ladders doesn't sit easily with seashells and stones and I'd infer that her home is not just unlocatable but no longer there at all. Perhaps I'm drawing too many conclusions.

[artr]

hi jackie, i liked it, i interpreted the point as being that a won war is seen like a win and the consequences aren't considered, those being consequences being the traumas people live and aren't helped with

best regards art

[Jackie]

Hi Ray,

The word it refers to her cheek.
Although the metaphors seem garbled, I was trying to show the distance--vertical, horizontal, psychological, and in terms of time--that disenfranchises refugees.

I'd infer that her home is not just unlocatable but no longer there at all.

When the house is destroyed, the land and relatives become the home.

I so much appreciate your thoughtful response.

Jackie

[Jackie]

Hi Art,

Thanks so much for reading this so carefully.
What you say is so true. So many humanitarian efforts are project-based, and when the project is finished the agency moves on. It often happens that the projects (which of course are very well intended) take refugees off in a direction that further estranges them from their home and identity.

Jackie

[Jackie]

Hi Seth and Peter,

I really need to work on making the ideas clearer in the poem. I do appreciate your taking the time to read it and give your input.

I have to admit, though, I'm hooked on sound in poetry, so I'm going to let myself feel good for a bit here if you like the way it works aloud!

Best,
Jackie

[Macavity]

I really need to work on making the ideas clearer in the poem

Hi Jackie,
An exercise might be to write a poem with one idea and focus on clarity.

There is an opinion that using rhyme in unmetered/irregular lines - high/by/thigh - is wrong. I am not a formalist myself, but do agree it can be an easy option in creating a soundscape/fluidity in a poem that has no syllable/stress frame. I think that is a natural/child attraction to rhyme and why not? This thread may interest you:

http://www.ablemuse.com/erato/showthread.php?t=10590

just a thought on poetry and craft

cheers

mac

[Antcliff]

Hi Jackie,
I should have said. I was intrigued by the ending...and have just re-read the Hansel and Gretel tale.

Seth

[Jackie]

Mac, that's good advice. And thanks for the link to that discussion! I have to admit that I have a rebellious streak that sits up and narrows his eyes at me when anyone says something proscriptive. I'm so glad I pushed past him and read this.

Jackie

[Jackie]

Thank you, Seth. As my own years build, I am more and more conscious of the need to keep touching home, and keep redefining my relationship to my home.