Thermo-couple (Second attempt)

[figure eight]

Their house feels much colder now he's gone,
she wears his old jumper to bed
warmed by the thought its fibres have caught
the echoes of things he once said.

As she shivers alone by the cold side,
from the folds of his woollen embrace
she hears him repeating, 'Go put on the heating'
and a smile radiates from her face.

[Tim Love]

I think it needs more proof-reading.

[Jackie]

I love

its fibers have caught,
echoes of things he once said.

I'm not so keen on armed with the thought -- too cute for my taste.

And I like the way we realize at the end that she is still following his strictures about using the heater, even though he's gone.

Jackie

[Tim Love]

Are the commas in "warmed by the thought, that its fibers have caught, echoes" supposed to be there? I can't make sense of them.

[Arian]

Yes, I think the punctuation could be usefully reviewed.

Still, that notwithstanding, it's not without merit. Quite pithy, and I liked the almost song-lyric rhythm of s1. The fact that it's not repeated in s2 is quite a jar - makes s1 seem like an accident.

I'd bring the meters/rhythms of both stanzas more in line, to give it credibility as well as readability.

Cheers
peter

[Tim Love]

For the purposes of discussion, consider this alternative


Their house feels colder now he's dead.
She wears his old jumper to bed,
warmed by memories of him repeating:
‘September's too soon for central heating!’.


It would get rid of the Talking Jumper - if she really heard his voice coming out of the folds, I think the poem needs to be longer. It gets rid of the jingle-jangle padding. It regularises the syllable count (maybe a loss rather than a gain - a page/stage issue maybe). It loses the sing-song innocence of the original, but I don't think it destroys the strong points of the poem that others have pointed out. Good title too.

[ray miller]

Nice poem, first verse a lot better than the 2nd. You don't really need commas in lines 3 and 4.

[David Smedley]

The theme of the poem is bang on for me. I am not a fan of rhyming, and for me it has lost its power because of that; did you write a version without it?..........D

[KevJ]

I like the idea of this one. I find the comfort she gains from an old pullover of his very touching.

I too find punctuation a bit of a battle at times, but think the advice of others here is sound on that score.

[figure eight]

I just wanted to say thank you for all of your advice on this. I'm having a bit of a rewrite and trying to take everything onboard.

I used to post on here a few years ago and I'm only just coming back to trying to write again. I started with the last thing I had been working on back then to try and get me going again, maybe I should've gone with something new. It's great to see that this resource is still as active as it was back then with people willing to help and actually offer constructive criticism.

[figure eight]

I've tried to take on board the advice, though it's been difficult to please both camps (lose the rhyme vs match second to the rhyme of the first stanza). I might still be a little wide of the mark but hopefully it's closer than it was originally. It's been good to see this through others eyes and realise it was a long way from being finished. I think trying to keep lines was affecting the overall poem.

[ray miller]

It reads a lot smoother, I think, though I can't remember exactly the first effort. Hasn't the dead one changed tack over the heating issue? What jumps out at me now is that you don't need a full stop at the end of the first line. A dash, maybe, or a comma.

[figure eight]

Yes, they are now less controlling of the thermostat. It just felt better this way, it jarred previously as it didn't sound like someone you'd miss.

[Antcliff]

Hi Figure-Eight

Yeh, IMHO the new version is better. I liked the warming ending..

she hears him repeating, 'Go, put on the heating'
and a smile radiates from her face.

I rather like "radiates" there..the association with a heater.

Best wishes,
Seth

[Arian]

Yes, I think the fully rhymed version is better, though the rhythm is a trifle strained in places.
Still, a likeable little ditty.

Cheers
peter

[Macavity]

Very relevant in these times of fuel poverty. I liked how the poem conveyed both separation and intimacy. The internal rhymes give it some limerick pace. Personally I like the irony of light, skipping poems for sad subjects.

mac

[cynwulf]

Response to a poem is inevitably subjective. I found this rather as the curate found his egg. I think the punning ambiguity of the title is excellent as is the scenario/ambience of the poem. You clearly have a talent for rhyming and rhythm, qualities I envy... but to me the rhymes are rather too snappy and the rhythm rather too strong and gallopy, too Max Millery and reminds me of musical hall recitations.. 'it was Christmas Day in the workhouse....' type of thing or 'The Ballad of Mad Carew'.The idea, though, is very good.