Green Bay

[JoeW]

Hi everyone, this is my second poem ever so really keen to find out what people think, hope you enjoy.

Moonlight falls upon Green Bay,
Twenty third chime of dark, cold day,
Man upon cobble stone kneels and preys,
And weeps alone, for she wont stay,
A debt to love he now must pay,
Turned back, the sea does hurl its sea spray,
Where she stood, he now lay,
A dusty old heart full of decay,
And empty eyes, can no longer obey,
A love for her which never would stray,

Moonlight falls upon Green Bay,
First chime of cold, new day,
The man, this world, he no longer stay,
These fragile things,
To love, another victim claimed.

[Disraeli]

Hi Joe. Welcome to the forum. I'm new as well - scary isn't it when you post your first poem?

First of all I like this. I think it's got potential. Nice little story to it.

You've really hammered the rhyme haven't you. That's pretty impressive. However I think if you're going to rhyme every line you've really got to carry it through to the end. Otherwise it looks as though you've just given up on it. Actually I don't think you need the last two lines anyway. They don't add anything.

You could end the third line with kneels to pray which then keeps to the rhyme scheme. Line 6 I don't think you need the second sea.

Try reading it out aloud to see how it feels. That's always a good test I think.

Keep working on it. Look forward to seeing the next draft.

[David Smedley]

Moonlight falls upon Green Bay,
Twenty third chime of dark, cold day,
Man upon cobble stone kneels and preys,
And weeps alone, for she wont stay,
A debt to love he now must pay,
Turned back, the sea does hurl its sea spray,
Where she stood, he now lay,
A dusty old heart full of decay,
And empty eyes, can no longer obey,
A love for her which never would stray,

Moonlight falls upon Green Bay,
First chime of cold, new day,
The man, this world, he no longer stay,
These fragile things,
To love, another victim claimed.

Welcome Joe, this poem does not do it for me, rhyming should be a lot subtler, or, failing that, not as forced.

Moonlight falls upon Green Bay The word "falls could be deleted without loss of clarity.

Man upon cobble stone kneels and preys Something odd here, I think you would have to say "cobbled" or "stones" plural.

And weeps alone, for she wont stay The word weeps is too "old-fashioned" for me. Wont should have an apostrophe. (won't)

A debt to love he now must pay Too abstract, what is a debt to love.?

Turned back, the sea does hurl its sea spray The word sea before spray is redundant.

A dusty old heart full of decay Watch your modifiers; here the modifiers dusty and old is not needed. I think this line is boderline cliche too.

And empty eyes, can no longer obey Too abstract for my tastes.

The man, this world, he no longer stay does not read true because of trying to "force the rhyme"

Joe hope some of this helps, keep them coming, David

[Macavity]

hi Joe,
Some good pointers from David. If you enjoy a rhyme try out k-j's comments on this thread:

viewtopic.php?f=42&t=18859&p=154458#p154458

cheers

mac

[Antcliff]

Welcome to PG Joe.

Seth

[JoeW]

Hi guys, and thank you very much for the feedback. Really nervous about the whole thing so nice to get feedback constructively and so quickly after reflection I personally started to realise I wasn't happy with it, here's my second attempt, hope you like it:

Moonlight falls upon Green Bay,
Twenty third chime of dark, cold day,
Man upon cobbled stone kneels to prey,
And cries to the moon, for she wont stay,
A debt to love he now must pay,
Turning his back to the seas cold, damp spray,
Where she once stood, he now lay,
Empty eyes, can no longer obey,
A love for her which never would stray,

Moonlight falls upon Green Bay,
First chime of cold, new day,
Man upon cobbled stone, kneels and preys.

[David Smedley]

Hello Joe, this revision does not work, why? because no-one writes poetry like this anymore.
You will find poetry on "vanity" sites written like this and they will also be praised, I assume though, that being here, you do not want to go down that path.

Do you read poetry Joe,? if not you really need to read a hell of a lot of it, all different kinds too.
You will also need to bone up on abstractions in poetry. And the concept of show and tell.

write a lot, its the only way to "get better," hope this does not come across as condescending it's meant to help and it is given freely with the best intentions.

seeya,,..D

[JoeW]

Hello David thank you for your thoughts. In answer to your question yes I do read poetry, and a lot of it. Currently I am reading my way through the works of Dylan Thomas. I'm not sure if it is fair to plainly state that my poem 'does not work', it is not to your taste, but personally I am quite happy with it. Not all my poems are like this, in fact this is the only one which is like this, I hope to upload some more soon. Just to clarify when I write anything it has nothing to do with vanity, it still feels strange sharing my work with anyone.

Out of interest why would it matter if other people don't write like this anymore?

Thank you though for the advise, this is not meant argumentitvely I'm simply replying to your message.

All the best.

[cynwulf]

Story's fine. I agree with your views on fashion in modern poetry-in many ways it has become rather prescriptive on style and topics. Obviously, Patience Strong type verse ain't something to copy, but I can see nothing wrong with rhyming. Yet I don't understand why you've stuck to one rhyme (rather monotonous after a while) through so many lines, only to change in the last couplet. A point on spelling, do you really mean 'preys', as I see it's still in the 2nd draft? Or do you mean 'prays'- that threw me as I thought you might be making a reference I couldn't understand.

[Macavity]

For some more reading you could try this

http://antiphon.org.uk/index.php/contents-6

For some submission you could try out this
http://www.theaustraliatimes.com/emagaz ... ry/issue6/

cheers

mac

[David2]

but I can see nothing wrong with rhyming. Yet I don't understand why you've stuck to one rhyme (rather monotonous after a while) through so many lines, only to change in the last couplet.

I'll go along with that, Joe.

Cheers

David

[Suzanne]

Hi Joe,

I think that this shows you have a strong interests and some budding talent. If you keep going and try different kinds of meter and rhyme I think you will really enjoy yourself and be surprised at how quickly you will learn. There are a hundreds of poems in you waiting ot get written, that is what I can see in this poem. This one is just a beginning.


Suzanne

[JoeW]

Thank you all very much for the advise, it's most welcome I'm going to post another poem shortly so fingers crossed, hoe everyone's well and thanks again,

Joe

P.s

Yes I did miss spell pray