She Still Comes By (Challenge)

[Jackie]

She comes by still but something sends her
out past pinion rocks on every pier
into every mist that rises.

She labors sweating, attests and demonstrates,
the frontline taken like her last class test
yet she comes by still, silent now.

Something sends her into hills where paths
averting rocks from house to house reach
the summit. Arms spread wide

she walks the wind to rocky shores
and stands there sharing licks from surf.
She does come by, but something sends her still.

[Disraeli]

Hi Jackie. I like the atmosphere you've created with this. She comes by.......... is a lovely, dreamy line which you've played with cleverly. I have no idea who/what the she refers to but that doesn't matter too much. The alliteration especially with s is overdone, of course. I'm guessing that was your intention. No-one with a lisp would ever get past the first stanza and last class test is a real mouthful. Like past pinion rocks though.

[Antcliff]

Hi Jackie!

as Disraeli says, dreamy. An interesting expression of a kind of restlessness. I know people who seem to be unable to stay for very long in one spot. And do not have any specific destination in mind.. hills, piers..

But, at the moment, I'm not sure I get much from this beyond the sense of restlessness/searching.

Slightly puzzled by this:

"the frontline taken like her last class test"

Seth

[David Smedley]

Hiya Jackie, for me this had a beginning but no middle and end, I could not get a grasp of what the poem was trying to convey.
Some of the imagery did not come through, for example pinion rocks on every pier
I cannot think what they may be atop a pier, and I have been on a few.
The whole of the poem is abstract, and for me impenetrable.

seeya, Jackie......D

[penguin]

I can't decide whether it's "still" as in not moving or as she's always done. Or both.

She comes by still but something sends her
out past pinion rocks on every pier - I stumble at "out" every time. I'd take it out.

Something sends her into hills where paths
averting rocks from house to house reach - averting seems an odd choice of word. avoiding, swerving even?
the summit.

Those 2 middle verses are pretty obscure.

[Jackie]

Thanks so much to all for your advice!

I'm aiming at a form in a poem I like, but that one is definitely not obscure. Let me work on this a while.

Jackie

[Macavity]

Yes, intriguing and I enjoyed the reading, the refrain. Await the illumination in the revision before speculating.

mac

[bodkin]

I also enjoyed this. It's a bit like a villanelle... Did you consider making it actually one?

[KevJ]

An atmospheric one this. Very much enjoyed.

I haven't been on the forum for a while. Can someone explain the challenge to me. I'd like to have a go.

[Jackie]

Thank you, Kev and Mac. I like Ian's idea of a villanelle and I'm going to work on that. I've never tried before.

Jackie