Of gloom and doom it serenades you.
The end is far from here, though it would would not seem so.
Nor do we feel it. A chandelere is all that we see.
Blue chrystals, cold as ice. It's vexing in a way.
Or allways. Fe fi fo? what does it mean?
Imagine a window made of glasses, ten pickaxes and a worm on a hook.
So is all things. Our things. Alone;Loud;Lunar;Lunatic.
All these wretched rivers. Find your own path!
A little bird screamed in my ear the other day but I did not listen.
A paper bag in a gust? Not so.
You should You should You should
I will not.
And so it comes to you in all of its hollowed head.
The rivers are wrong..
Ambiance
Welcome Vion,
You've got interesting things going on in this poem - the bird screaming in your ear, a window made of glasses, ten pickaxes and a worm on a hook...
The question is, what do you have in mind with all this? Are we supposed to get something out of the collection of lines? It seems too fragmented as is...
Anyhow, that was my reading of it,
- Caleb
PS: you'll want to offer some criticism of other's work, either here or in the "experienced" forum.
You've got interesting things going on in this poem - the bird screaming in your ear, a window made of glasses, ten pickaxes and a worm on a hook...
The question is, what do you have in mind with all this? Are we supposed to get something out of the collection of lines? It seems too fragmented as is...
Anyhow, that was my reading of it,
- Caleb
PS: you'll want to offer some criticism of other's work, either here or in the "experienced" forum.
Hello everyone and thank you pseud for the respons.
The poem is about how depressed one sometimes can feel when forced to make difficult choices in life which all leads to disaster. It's also about how people tend to like minding other peoples buisness. Since im not very fluent in english it's kind of hard to describe any more about the poem. I Hope that will do.
Thank you,
Ferdi
The poem is about how depressed one sometimes can feel when forced to make difficult choices in life which all leads to disaster. It's also about how people tend to like minding other peoples buisness. Since im not very fluent in english it's kind of hard to describe any more about the poem. I Hope that will do.
Thank you,
Ferdi
HeejVion wrote:Hello everyone and thank you pseud for the respons.
The poem is about how depressed one sometimes can feel when forced to make difficult choices in life which all leads to disaster. It's also about how people tend to like minding other peoples buisness. Since im not very fluent in english it's kind of hard to describe any more about the poem. I Hope that will do.
Thank you,
Ferdi
I like your poem.
First I didn't catch the message, but I read it a few times and now I understand it.
Maybe you can write following poems in subparagraphs, so you can read it easier.
Keep writing!
Veerle
Thanks veerle and yeah, that's probably a good idea
Well here is a "translated" version of Ambiance to start with:
"Of gloom and doom it serenades you."
[Pretty basic stuff to easier let you in on the feeling of the rest of the poem]
"The end is far from here, though it would would not seem so.
Nor do we feel it."
[As it says]
"A chandelere is all that we see.
Blue chrystals, cold as ice."
[The chandelere represents different choices, different paths (many crystals in those things
). Guess what the cold and the blue means ]
"It's vexing in a way.
Or allways. Fe fi fo? what does it mean?"
["it's hard" in a wordplay. The fi thing is basiclly an explanation of the confusion you can feel of things yet unknown to you in the meaning of choices. Im not really that good at explaining am I?
]
"Imagine a window made of glasses, ten pickaxes and a worm on a hook.
So is all things. Our things. Alone;Loud;Lunar;Lunatic."
[Just a (in my mind) good explaination of the feeling you get when you think about how fragile your own dreams and visions can be. ALLL: as it says.]
"All these wretched rivers. Find your own path!"
[The rivers: again, different choices. And the last part, the anger of having to make them]
"A little bird screamed in my ear the other day but I did not listen.
A paper bag in a gust? Not so."
[People who impose their beliefs and taughts(thoughts?) on you when not wanted.]
"You should You should You should
I will not."
[Same as above]
"And so it comes to you in all of its hollowed head.
The rivers are wrong.."
[The hollowed head thing I can't really explain. It makes sense in my head but as Ive seen now, after 20 min of trying to explain it in a way that make sense, does not in writing. The last part, as you probably allready have guessed, means: Don't listen to others, find your own way and follow it to a 100%]
That's as far as I can explain it.
(Explaining a poem really takes away the magic of it, doesn't it?)
Thanks,
Ferdi
Well here is a "translated" version of Ambiance to start with:
"Of gloom and doom it serenades you."
[Pretty basic stuff to easier let you in on the feeling of the rest of the poem]
"The end is far from here, though it would would not seem so.
Nor do we feel it."
[As it says]
"A chandelere is all that we see.
Blue chrystals, cold as ice."
[The chandelere represents different choices, different paths (many crystals in those things
). Guess what the cold and the blue means ]"It's vexing in a way.
Or allways. Fe fi fo? what does it mean?"
["it's hard" in a wordplay. The fi thing is basiclly an explanation of the confusion you can feel of things yet unknown to you in the meaning of choices. Im not really that good at explaining am I?
]"Imagine a window made of glasses, ten pickaxes and a worm on a hook.
So is all things. Our things. Alone;Loud;Lunar;Lunatic."
[Just a (in my mind) good explaination of the feeling you get when you think about how fragile your own dreams and visions can be. ALLL: as it says.]
"All these wretched rivers. Find your own path!"
[The rivers: again, different choices. And the last part, the anger of having to make them]
"A little bird screamed in my ear the other day but I did not listen.
A paper bag in a gust? Not so."
[People who impose their beliefs and taughts(thoughts?) on you when not wanted.]
"You should You should You should
I will not."
[Same as above]
"And so it comes to you in all of its hollowed head.
The rivers are wrong.."
[The hollowed head thing I can't really explain. It makes sense in my head but as Ive seen now, after 20 min of trying to explain it in a way that make sense, does not in writing. The last part, as you probably allready have guessed, means: Don't listen to others, find your own way and follow it to a 100%]
That's as far as I can explain it.
(Explaining a poem really takes away the magic of it, doesn't it?)
Thanks,
Ferdi
Hi there, I enjoyed reading your poem - I think you it could do with some tweaking though to make your message appear a bit stronger. It's not very clear what you're getting at in the poem.
You mention that the line 'of gloom and doom it serenades you' as being 'pretty basic stuff to let you in on the feeling of the rest of the poem'. To me, there should be no wasted words in poetry, and it feels like that line is there just for the sake of being there - why is the unhappiness 'serenading' the narrator? Why does it entice them?
I think, in your bit where you did a translation, the 'translation parts seem like you've got some great ideas, but I don't think, if i read a line of your poetry, I would be able to arrive at the same translation you gave, partly because there aren't enough clues in your poem. You mention that the candeler represents different choices, but to me, the line 'a chandelere is all that we see' seem to imply that there ARE no choices, and that we ONLY see the chandelere. Also, chandeler is a curious image to use - I'm not sure whether to believe that this chandeler is supposed to be a pleasing image to the reader or a displeasing one - a chandeler is quite an indifferent object interms of evoking emotion in the reader.
also, the bit about the rivers - it's a well known phrase, or metaphore, that lots of rivers represent different paths, but can you think of a more original way to phrase it? I think that part of the purpose of poetry is capturing those experiences we all know about, but rephrasing them in a interesting an original way.
anywy, i'm no expert and I did enjoy reading the poem! I just think it's worth tweaking it a bit. Hope that helps
You mention that the line 'of gloom and doom it serenades you' as being 'pretty basic stuff to let you in on the feeling of the rest of the poem'. To me, there should be no wasted words in poetry, and it feels like that line is there just for the sake of being there - why is the unhappiness 'serenading' the narrator? Why does it entice them?
I think, in your bit where you did a translation, the 'translation parts seem like you've got some great ideas, but I don't think, if i read a line of your poetry, I would be able to arrive at the same translation you gave, partly because there aren't enough clues in your poem. You mention that the candeler represents different choices, but to me, the line 'a chandelere is all that we see' seem to imply that there ARE no choices, and that we ONLY see the chandelere. Also, chandeler is a curious image to use - I'm not sure whether to believe that this chandeler is supposed to be a pleasing image to the reader or a displeasing one - a chandeler is quite an indifferent object interms of evoking emotion in the reader.
also, the bit about the rivers - it's a well known phrase, or metaphore, that lots of rivers represent different paths, but can you think of a more original way to phrase it? I think that part of the purpose of poetry is capturing those experiences we all know about, but rephrasing them in a interesting an original way.
anywy, i'm no expert and I did enjoy reading the poem! I just think it's worth tweaking it a bit. Hope that helps
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TheYoungOne
- Posts: 11
- Joined: Mon Apr 24, 2006 2:51 pm
- Location: St helens
I quite liked it. Lots of imagery. It took me a while to figure out what it was about, but then I like poems that get me thinking