Love to hate you

New to poetry? Unsure about the quality of your work? Then why not post here to receive some gentle feedback.
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TheYoungOne
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Joined: Mon Apr 24, 2006 2:51 pm
Location: St helens

Tue Apr 25, 2006 5:11 pm

I'll wait for you
Until the snow falls on the other side
Of the silver trees
That still keep me company.

The butterflies still die here,
Nothing has changed.
They have no freedom,
Not since you painted their fragile wings
With a silvery sheen gloss.

I still hate you for that.

My fingers are oblivious to the cold,
Yet shake as you near,
But don’t tell my toes.
They will only get jealous,
Because they can't see you all bound in leather.

Talking in clinches
Is enough to make me fall.
Not for you,
Literally fall.
Maybe to my knees,
Maybe lie into the soil.
The dirt doesn’t mind my insecurities like you did.

Brave smiles frost over in the cold
and crack like melting ice.

If only I could crack into two equal pieces
I'd give you the piece that still loves you.

I wrote this a while back, would just like few thoughts on it :)
Last edited by TheYoungOne on Wed Apr 26, 2006 11:23 am, edited 1 time in total.
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barrie
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Tue Apr 25, 2006 6:01 pm

Hello and welcome TYO.

Interesting opening verse, gets the attention.

'I'll wait for you
Until the snow falls on the other side
Of the silver trees
That still keep me company.'

The last line of V2 is a bit cumbersome. Why not -

'Not since you painted their fragile wings
With silver.'

The next verse is a bit confused -

'My fingers are oblivious to the cold,
They shake as you are near
But don’t tell my toes
They will only get jealous
Because they can't see you all bound in leather.'

Instead of 'they shake as you are near', - 'yet shake as you near'. It gives more strength to the implication that the other person is the cause.
The last line implies two things: you are wearing leather shoes; the one approaching is wearing a leather get-up. Which one is it? (or is it both?)

'Talking in clinches' - ? I didn't understand that.

Having said all that, there is a plenty of good stuff here, I'll look forward to more.

nice one

Barrie

BTW. Do you ever get down to Knowsley Rd, or don't you follow Saints?
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that girl
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Tue Apr 25, 2006 7:15 pm

Since they fingers and toes are personified anyway, why not try using "who"?

My fingers are oblivious to the cold,
They shake as you are near,
But don’t tell my toes.
Who will only get jealous,
Because they can't see you
while all bound in leather.


good poem. I don't like the title though. Turns me off to it before I can read it.

.tg.
TheYoungOne
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Joined: Mon Apr 24, 2006 2:51 pm
Location: St helens

Wed Apr 26, 2006 11:21 am

Thanks... :D
Yeah, I go to the saints quite often. I’m a pretty big fan of the rugby :)


'Not since you painted their fragile wings
with silver.'
Hmm, I think it sounds a bit stumped without the ‘sheen gloss’. But maybe that’s just me


Instead of 'they shake as you are near', - 'yet shake as you near'.
Thanks, I’ve changed that. :)

'Talking in clinches'

I meant two things by this.
I meant it to sound as though an argument was being settled.
And I also wanted to create the idea that even though she hates him, she till wants to hold on to him. < That was the main reason I used the word clinches.
Maybe I portrayed that idea a bit vaguely, but I couldn’t think of another way to put it without revealing too much.

As for the title, I suck at titles. I was going to name is
‘Why is it I hate my lover?’ But I wasn’t too keen on that either.
David
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Wed Apr 26, 2006 11:29 am

TYO,

This is the most vivid description of teenage (I'm guessing) unrequited (again, guessing - or possibly no longer requited) love I've read in a long time.

Shows a lot of promise.

I'm not sure whether to envy you for still going through these feelings, or be relieved that I don't have to any more. Bit of both, I suppose.

Keep 'em coming.

David
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Binz
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Thu Apr 27, 2006 11:18 am

If only I could crack into two equal pieces
I'd give you the piece that still loves you.
Hi

really felt the sentiment in these lines, although the 1st of these 2 doesn't quite flow (would the pieces be equal?), they are to me the best part of the poem.

Binz
If you want to fly, you must first spread your wings.
trobbo44
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Thu Jul 21, 2016 1:47 pm

Great poem. I am reminded of touches of Pablo Neruda. Very little wrong, strong throughput. Great twist on the subject matter
David
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Thu Jul 21, 2016 6:44 pm

Revived after 10 years. An interesting find.
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