Feelings – why so out of control?
Hindering the path to my goal.
One day you make me mellow,
Greeting everyone with a warm hello.
Another day you make me feel blue,
The reason why? I have not clue.
On another occasion, I’m mad,
After anger and rage, I’m feelin' sad.
Why can’t you make up your mind?
Let my soul rest and be kind.
Letter to my feelings...
-
Hidden-Spirit
- Posts: 15
- Joined: Thu Apr 27, 2006 12:54 pm
- Location: One Day here, the next there...
Some scars don't show,
Some wounds don't heal,
Sometimes you can't see,
The pain someone feels.
Some wounds don't heal,
Sometimes you can't see,
The pain someone feels.
Hi hidden-spirit.
I really feel the sentiment of your words - I can see frustration, confusion and a search for peace - your poem delivers this to me very well.
I find some of the rhymes difficult to read, for instance, 'mellow' and hello' feels forced and unnatural, I would like to read this fluently, and wonder if it might deliver it's message just as well - if not better - in blank verse.
It seems that you are writing from your heart - and what better place to write from? - But whilst the feelings and sentiment are strong and true to you - I don't feel that the language is really yours. Does that make sense? It doesn't feel pure enough, I don't 'get' the anger that I think you are feeling. I find that writing really quickly - when I just want to get the 'feelings' on to the page - helps me, and I then go back to 'polish' it afterwards.
The essence of this poem is in your feelings, don't be afraid to scream onto the page. Go for it!
I really feel the sentiment of your words - I can see frustration, confusion and a search for peace - your poem delivers this to me very well.
I find some of the rhymes difficult to read, for instance, 'mellow' and hello' feels forced and unnatural, I would like to read this fluently, and wonder if it might deliver it's message just as well - if not better - in blank verse.
It seems that you are writing from your heart - and what better place to write from? - But whilst the feelings and sentiment are strong and true to you - I don't feel that the language is really yours. Does that make sense? It doesn't feel pure enough, I don't 'get' the anger that I think you are feeling. I find that writing really quickly - when I just want to get the 'feelings' on to the page - helps me, and I then go back to 'polish' it afterwards.
The essence of this poem is in your feelings, don't be afraid to scream onto the page. Go for it!
-
cameron
- Site Admin
- Posts: 2162
- Joined: Thu May 27, 2004 6:45 pm
- antispam: no
- Location: Norfolk 'n' Good
Hi HS,
If T.S. Eliot were reviewing your poem, he'd probably advise you to use an objective correlative - i.e. to set up some kind of situation or metaphor to try and "show" us the feelings you're talking about rather than "telling" us about them.
For instance, over the years many poets have used the sea as a way of talking about human emotions. The weather is also a good candidate as it has storms and calms and depressions etc. By objectifying an emotion you can communicate it more effectively to other people - which, after all, is a key factor in writing poetry.
Cheers
Cam
If T.S. Eliot were reviewing your poem, he'd probably advise you to use an objective correlative - i.e. to set up some kind of situation or metaphor to try and "show" us the feelings you're talking about rather than "telling" us about them.
For instance, over the years many poets have used the sea as a way of talking about human emotions. The weather is also a good candidate as it has storms and calms and depressions etc. By objectifying an emotion you can communicate it more effectively to other people - which, after all, is a key factor in writing poetry.
Cheers
Cam
-
TheYoungOne
- Posts: 11
- Joined: Mon Apr 24, 2006 2:51 pm
- Location: St helens
I did think the rhyme was a bit forced and it was all a bit too obvious. I like poems to throw me off a little, just to get me thinking.
-
benjywenjy
- Persistent Poster
- Posts: 232
- Joined: Sat May 13, 2006 8:02 pm
- Location: manchester UK
don't feel confined to rhyme, it can hinder the full extent of your expression. If you want it to rhyme maybe write it in blank verse then return to it and polish it up and add rhymes etc. 
benjy
benjy
Hi Hidden-Spirit. I think your poem is no less valid just because it doesn't contain umpteen adjectives. I felt refreshed by the read because it was so "straight to the point". Sometimes the raw form is preferable to reconstituted - it certainly is when you're eating, so why not when you're reading. Surely it's dependent on your mood as a reader when you're reading too.
