A Rambler Slips Into The Preternatural (revision2)

[Macavity]

gone to publ land

[Ros]

I thought the rhyme was a rather heavy in v1 to start with, but I loved the change to

and all to bind a wrinkled prayer?

in the last line. To me the rhyme and rhythm seem to become a bit erratic after that - if you want such heavy rhymes (and they do add a sort of enticing doom-laden feeling) then perhaps a consistent rhyme scheme would work well?

Ros

[Jackie]

Truly eerie, Mac—a voice, a movement, astir in the earth. It seems more purposeful than rambling, though, so I wondered about the title.

The rhyme distracted me, too, but the movement drew me in. Shivery.

Jackie

[Macavity]

To me the rhyme and rhythm seem to become a bit erratic after that - if you want such heavy rhymes (and they do add a sort of enticing doom-laden feeling) then perhaps a consistent rhyme scheme would work well?

More symmetry in rhythm and rhyme to sound like poetry? I'll try at less ramble more craft Ros

all the best

mac

[Macavity]

Truly eerie, Mac—a voice, a movement, astir in the earth.

Thanks Jackie. I'm still in genre mode so it's Ian's fault I'll have a ponder about that rambler.

all the best

mac

[Nicky B]

Hey Mac,

There's lots to like here, but the rhythm and rhyme do let it down. It draws you in, gets you going at a pace, then sends you tumbling over yourself. i think if you're going to use this type of structure you need to be much tighter - so i would suggest either going for the fully structured consistent rhythm and rhyme (which is really hard) or ease up on it altogether and build on what you have - which is some lovely images and ideas. I like the idea of the words beneath the Tor very much.

It has a wonderful sense of being a puzzle - i'd love to see a version 2.

Thanks,
Nicky B

[Macavity]

i think if you're going to use this type of structure you need to be much tighter - so i would suggest either going for the fully structured consistent rhythm and rhyme (which is really hard) or ease up on it altogether and build on what you have

I think you've nailed it there Nicky. There is an expectation of form and craft, which Ros pointed out too. Will ponder on what type of revision is best or possible

all the best

mac

[David]

Well I rather like this in its current version - not sure you've improved the "all to bind a wrinkled prayer" line, though - but if you're going to revise it I'll say no more for the moment. I look forward to reading said revision, however.

Cheers

David

[Macavity]

Thanks David. rev2 is probably it for now, though I've restored my wrinkled line.

all the best

mac

[Antcliff]

Again, as so often, Mac, great sounds. IMHO the latest is the best.

A part story where the reader has to put together an account....of possibly many....of what is going on? But I am a bit hazy as to how this might hang together. Am I right that at the end the rambler if baffled because the lodestar does not work at all....having fallen into a zone of the preternatural? Or have I lost my footing here?

Seth

[Macavity]

Or have I lost my footing here?

a mac poem can be slippery

perhaps my writing attempts are becoming as disorientated as this rambler

yep, ye olde magnetic magic has not steered a true course or has led our N. astray...

all the best

mystical mac

[cynwulf]

slippery indeed, mac, although Idon't fully understand it the scene comes over well with your clever use of sound. I wondered if this was based on an actual occasion gneiss and granite seem to indicate Caledonia stern and wild.

[Macavity]

Thanks C. Actually I once slipped on a moss covered rock in the forest of Dean - drove home not realizing the swollen hand was indicative of two broken fingers!

all the best

mac

[1lankest]

Hi Mac,

I great read - as usual.

Tick tock across the rock,
hear the logan stone crack, a watery tongue
seeking a lock, that breath coming low
unlocking bone beneath the frosted stone.

Don't think you need the 'granite clock' bit - it is assumed from the first line.
Plus this sounds better I think.....

Luke

[Macavity]

Thanks Luke. Overwritten, but fun to write, and three cheers to Ian for filling my head with genre writing

all the best

mac