Is it a mutually repelling force-field
that holds us apart?
Is it something that we have made
by unspoken consent
to keep ourselves safe?
It sits empty, uninvited and smug
between us
filling the emotional void
that is the space
that other mothers and daughters
embrace.
Space
The only thing would pick at here is the first line. The 'mutually repelling force-field' seems clumsy and out of place. Apart from that image the rest of the poem is really good, especially the second verse - I was quite impressed with that.
nice one
Barrie
nice one
Barrie
More despatches from the front line of dysfunctional families, eh? No offence, I mean no disrespect to your home life - and this may all be totally imagined (and it does seem to contradict "Let me be loved", which I liked) - but this seems to be your thing.
Terse again, effective again, you do this pretty well. "Mutually repelling force field" sounds too sci-fi to me, but you could be riffing on the repulsion of like poles. If so, that's good, but you could maybe rework it.
I like your second question.
Is "smug" the word you're looking for? Could be.
The second verse seems to suggest there is something unusual about this situation. Mothers and daughters. I don't think there is, and that's just one of the joys of parenthood.
As I say, you do this sort of thing well, but how about something different next time? A pure unbridled exclamation of joy at life and living, maybe? Nah, I suppose that's an unreasonable request, and one that we'd all be hard pressed to produce. Still - cheer up!
Cheerily,
David
Terse again, effective again, you do this pretty well. "Mutually repelling force field" sounds too sci-fi to me, but you could be riffing on the repulsion of like poles. If so, that's good, but you could maybe rework it.
I like your second question.
Is "smug" the word you're looking for? Could be.
The second verse seems to suggest there is something unusual about this situation. Mothers and daughters. I don't think there is, and that's just one of the joys of parenthood.
As I say, you do this sort of thing well, but how about something different next time? A pure unbridled exclamation of joy at life and living, maybe? Nah, I suppose that's an unreasonable request, and one that we'd all be hard pressed to produce. Still - cheer up!
Cheerily,
David
Thanks Barrie and David - I appreciate your comments and suggestions (and laughed out loud at the perception David has - understandably so - of my miserable life - yes - something cheerful, I'll work on it!)
Um - 'smug' - yes that is the word I was looking for - self-satisfied - in a self-destructive kind of way - plus I like the sound of 'smug'.
My alternative first line ...
What is this unnamed no-mans-land
that holds us apart?
Is it something that we have made
by unspoken consent
to keep ourselves safe?
It sits empty, uninvited and smug
between us
filling the emotional void
that is the space
that other mothers and daughters
embrace.
Any better?
Um - 'smug' - yes that is the word I was looking for - self-satisfied - in a self-destructive kind of way - plus I like the sound of 'smug'.
My alternative first line ...
What is this unnamed no-mans-land
that holds us apart?
Is it something that we have made
by unspoken consent
to keep ourselves safe?
It sits empty, uninvited and smug
between us
filling the emotional void
that is the space
that other mothers and daughters
embrace.
Any better?
Ok - here goes ...
What is this blank expanse
that holds us apart?
Is it something that we have made
by unspoken consent
to keep ourselves safe?
It sits empty, uninvited and smug
between us
filling the emotional void
that is the space
that other mothers and daughters
embrace.
Thoughts invited - I am undecided between this and 'no-man's-land' - cliche it may be - but it says it like it is!
What is this blank expanse
that holds us apart?
Is it something that we have made
by unspoken consent
to keep ourselves safe?
It sits empty, uninvited and smug
between us
filling the emotional void
that is the space
that other mothers and daughters
embrace.
Thoughts invited - I am undecided between this and 'no-man's-land' - cliche it may be - but it says it like it is!
Another idear lemony -
Just drop what can't be fixed. There is nothing wrong with a short poem. Some one-liners are tear-jerkers. I, like barrie, thought stanza 2 was great. Give it some time (sometimes an aged poem is easier to judge) and then see if you think stanza 2 can stand on its own, entitled "Space."
Well done in any event.
- Caleb
Just drop what can't be fixed. There is nothing wrong with a short poem. Some one-liners are tear-jerkers. I, like barrie, thought stanza 2 was great. Give it some time (sometimes an aged poem is easier to judge) and then see if you think stanza 2 can stand on its own, entitled "Space."
Well done in any event.
- Caleb
