Second-Hand Sadness

[jpgallagher]

The news took me off my feet.
No amount of 5-a-side chatter,
of post-match highlight reel,
could take away the ringing in my ears.

Dad picked us up in the car,
eyes red and swollen
after the confirmation had come in
that she’d been forced to take her leave.

I saw mum weep for the first time in years,
shattered to the core,
a best friend dragged from this world
one brutish motion at a time.

The thought of her gone pained us, it still does to this second,
though the real grief lied in the thought of you
without a mother to hold,
that chord which we could all see was so thick, so tough, so unbreakable,
ripped apart in the cold coastal air.

And still you stood strong.
we played volleyball in the garden,
tip-toeing around the conversation,
talk of reactions and sympathy,
without mentioning the dreaded ‘D’ word.

We even heard a laugh as my brother broke the rosebush
one wayward shot too many.
My eyes hadn’t watered in years,
not even with nan’s passing,
but the thought of you without a mother or father
made the cracks appear.

The wall which I had built with mortar so thick
began to crumble at the thought of your graduation,
of your wedding,
of your evenings in that alien household.

And still you stood strong,
not a single tear by all accounts.

And still you stood strong,
at Scouts over map-work and far-too-furious games of dodgeball.

And still you stood strong,
at the packed funeral,
a straight-as-an-arrow bidding prayer,
without a tremble, without a stutter,
made me break up inside.

And still you stood strong,
as the coffin was lowered.
As a mother was laid to rest,
heartbreak to the crowd gathered,
not one tear stained your cheek.

And if you ever choose to not stand strong,
to let the numbness fade,
know that we are here for you,
ready with open arms,
and hearts broken with your own.

[KevJ]

I like this. A study in empathy I think for anothers grief. Very touching. Not sure I understand the relationship between the N and the bereaved though. Is it a friend or a relative.

Welcome to PG

Kev

[David]

I like this. A study in empathy I think for anothers grief. Very touching. Not sure I understand the relationship between the N and the bereaved though. Is it a friend or a relative.

Welcome to PG

Kev

I think I agree with pretty much all of that!

In the slightest spirit of devil's advocacy, do you think that - if you were to analyse this poem in terms of its component parts, of art and emotion - it would be an equal or nearly equal split? The greater part, by far, I would say, is the emotion, but that is convincingly and movingly expressed, so there's obviously a fair bit of art in here as well.

I enjoyed it.

Welcome, jpg.

David

[cynwulf]

Excellent. Title is dead right and draws one in.I thought you made the situation and voice very clear.I think your art consists in the clarity with which the emotion is expressed. Nit picking now: should 'lied' in v4 l2 be 'lay'?
Hope to see more.
Regards, C.

[jpgallagher]

Thanks very much for the feedback all, very nice to a have a place where you can post ideas and have some genuine constructive support. Quick question then - doesn't necessarily have to apply to this poem but feel that it will help my work across the board - do we feel that direct declarations of emotion detract from the 'art' itself? I (think I) understand the notion of 'show not tell', but do we feel that being direct in that way is usually a bad thing?

[David]

Thanks very much for the feedback all, very nice to a have a place where you can post ideas and have some genuine constructive support. Quick question then - doesn't necessarily have to apply to this poem but feel that it will help my work across the board - do we feel that direct declarations of emotion detract from the 'art' itself? I (think I) understand the notion of 'show not tell', but do we feel that being direct in that way is usually a bad thing?

Good question! Needs some debate, I think. Here's something for you to consider, and also comes under heading of showing, not telling: have you read Ben Jonson's "On My First Sonne"? I know it's olde worlde language, but I can't (offhand) think of a more moving poem, so clearly it's a declaration of emotion, and it's not really indirect, but ... the art enlivens the emotion. It makes it shareable. I think.

Cheers

David

[Antcliff]

do we feel that direct declarations of emotion detract from the 'art' itself? I (think I) understand the notion of 'show not tell', but do we feel that being direct in that way is usually a bad thing?

Why is it better if, all things being equal, the reader is left to sense that an emotion is being expressed rather than be told that the narrator feels a certain way? Maybe part of the answer here is that the mere assertion of the presence of an emotion is actually not typically very expressive of an emotion. Compare saying: "I am sad" with playing some sad violin number. If the aim of at least some poems is (in part) to express emotion, the mere assertion of it does not do a great job of that. If the poem has only that assertion, it is not so expressive. And if other stuff does the expressing, the assertion is redundant. Maybe? As Hilda says..[youtube].http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H8zyF0ZOy3k[/youtube]