Our Only CD

[Antcliff]

Driving into the night,
through Kansas,
[tab][/tab]through Ohio?
[tab][/tab]All I recall is the road,

Jean Redpath singing Burns
filling our silence,
[tab][/tab]a silence that would grow,
[tab][/tab]if a nothing can grow.



v1

CAR CD

Driving into the night,
through Kansas,
[tab][/tab]through Ohio?
[tab][/tab]All I recall is the road,

Jean Redpath singing Burns
filling our silence,
[tab][/tab]a silence that would grow,
[tab][/tab]if silence can grow.

[dafra]

Quite often get mesmerised, no talk between us, head dips, jerk awake, must rest, try the radio, no good, have to stop before we are silenced forever.
This was my take on your poem which I liked.

[Jackie]

Nice, Seth, the rhythm is hypnotic, like the road. You've resuscitated a childhood memory for me, spending days crossing Kansas and Nebraska with nothing but road.

The two "can's" jut out at me while I read this; not sure I would have put them there.

I don't know the music you mention—does that speak to the silent relationship?

Jackie

[Antcliff]

Thanks, Dafra

Glad to hear your take.

Thanks, Jackie

Kansas = roads.

The music does not speak to the relationship. It was simply the memory...we played it on a long drive.

Yes, right indeed, a "can" should go. I will cut the first.

Seth
p.s...the great Jean died just recently..which jogged the memory. She made some celebrated recordings of Burns songs.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BnI9EWQr_K0

[David]

Very nice. But maybe a more positive last line? Not in the sense of Ac-Cent-Tchu-Ating the Positive, but having it contain something more than just a qualification of the previous line? Probably not.

Strange to think about listening to Jean in what must be archetypal Hank country.

Enjoying Jean anyway. (You don't see many buttoned-up cardigans in videos nowadays.)

Cheers

David

[Antcliff]

David, ta, yes maybe that last line could be strengthened in some way....a way I do not yet know.

Hank country, yes. She somehow suits long roads...i.e. ones that go on for days. I have never known as much ROAD as is provided by Kansas.

Cardigan videos = a lost art.

[KevJ]

Driving on roads this long is not an experience I've ever had. But for some reason it reminded me of being stuck nose to tail on the M5 for 4 hours for reasons that have never be made clear to me. Bet the roads in Kansas were open and virtually traffic free. At least that's the picture in my head. Enjoyed.

Kev

[cynwulf]

Enjoyed. Agree with Jackie,and the hypnogogic effect is enhanced by the structure of the last 2 lines. I hadn't heard that JR had died, a great loss. I hope " A Parcel of Rogues in a Nation" was one of the tracks in your long night-very appropriate for our present times in the ex(?)UK.
Best wishes, C.

[Antcliff]

Thanks Kev....the roads are straight.....straight.......many hours pass......still straight.

Thanks, C. Very glad about your comments on the ending.
She died very recently.
I can't remember if it was on the CD, but it very likely was. Very fitting.....indeed the polls head one way. The farmer adjacent to where my sister lives on loch Tay has just erected a huge "Aye" sign in his field today.

Seth

[Ros]

Not sure about the last line, but like the rest. Finding the title rather unattractive, though.

Ros

[Antcliff]

Finding the title rather unattractive, though.

thanks, Ros....yeh, not the most inspired.

[bonnscott]

I liked it ,i had an image of you as a truck driver or some one that travels long distance.

[jpgallagher]

Hi Antcliff, really enjoyed this one. Powerful images brought out clearly and concisely. There's something about the atmosphere of it all which I can relate to a lot. I would echo what David and Ros have said though about the last line, seems like a bit of a sour way to tie off a beautiful piece.

[Antcliff]

Bon and JP, thank you for calling by and commenting.

[byneothr]

People's whose poetry I like will get tired of me saying this, but I like your poem.

Driving into the night,
through Kansas,
through Ohio?
All I recall is the road. :I would change this line to "All I recall is road, and...
I would delete the 'the' in 'the road', to me it makes the "road' more solid, it punctuates the line. The 'and...', to me, continues the the line 'all I can remember is road, and...(nothing else), or it can join the next phrase (all I remember is road, and Jean Redpath singing...):

Jean Redpath singing Burns
filling our silence,
a silence that would grow,
if silence can grow. :I would change the last three lines to read "cannot fill the silence/ we grow/ the way it does. I think it makes the poem more desolate:

Again I like the poem the way it is. The changes are just the way I might have written it, if I had come up with the idea.

[Antcliff]

Thanks for calling by, Byneothr, and for both making (and motivating) your kind suggestions. Pondering.

Thanks, again!

Seth

[Suzanne]

Oh, I like this ending in a question that might have a million answers, depending on the people in the car.
The question seems to make the poem hang in the air in the silence. Very nice, Seth.

Of course, I enjoyed thinking of Ohio and an American highway.
Suzanne

[Antcliff]

Tweaked

Thanks very much, Suzanne. Super. I hope the slight change at the ending (to deal with David's suggestion) still keeps that hanging quality you mention. I have opted for what is, I hope a better title...after Ros axed the other.

Just can't quite say "road" rather than "the road" contrary to a kind suggestion.

Seth