I would be the moon (ver. 2)

[byneothr]

I would be the moon
control the ebb and flow
of thoughts I live today
and the memory
of times ago

minimizing sadness I'd
maximize the rest
ever blooming flowers
were I the power
bearing memory

but a prisoner I am
imprisoned for my lack
I struggle in the light
shackled with the cold of
regret

I see now how easily
I could have led
the better life
I foolishly denied

if I were in control
regret would ebb or never flow
and I would play
every day new born

---------------------------
I would be the moon
control the ebb and flow
of the thoughts I live today
and the memory of times ago

minimizing sadness I'd
maximize the rest
recalls would only offer
Summer, Autumn, Spring
ever blooming flowers
I would do this thing
if I were the power
in the seasons of my thought

but I am just a prisoner
inprisoned for my lack
I struggle in the light
shackled with regret

the errors of a fool
the petty jealousies
revenge directed injury
love lost, wasted time
the life I should have led

guilty seven times seven
I am a walking wreck
I carry an albatross heavy
as a chain around my neck

if I controlled the moon, perhaps
I'd sleep to keep regret away
and I'd attend my only bliss
in the null of sweet unconsciencness

[Suzanne]

Hi you,


I like this very much. I think the metaphor is used well. It is too long but...

I encourage you to read it aloud and adjust the line breaks which seem to be random.
Though i could be missing something. Line breaks are not easy to figure out all the time.

Ha! And yet, i hope you rearrange them and i will come back.

Suzanne

[Wazza]

Byneothr, this is a little too unsweetened for my palate. I'm fine with it until you get to the stanzas where you tell the reader how much you despise yourself. I hope this is not reflective of your true feelings. I enjoyed reading the first two stanzas and I like the seasons of my thought. Nice! And controlling the ebb and flow of your thoughts and memories is quite poetic. I also like the thoughts I live today rather than the obvious thoughts I have today, but the four lines lack a consistent rhythm.

I would be the moon.................five syllables
control the ebb and flow ...............six syllables
of the thoughts I live today ...........seven syllables
and the memory of times ago ....nine syllables This doesn't work for rhyming poetry.

If I were to write this I would write ...

I would be the moon and
control the ebb and flow
of thoughts I live today
and those of long ago.

Now each line is of six syllables. Even so, the stresses are not perfect, but the lines are more fluid. You might like to check the last word in the poem also.

Wazza

[byneothr]

Hello. Thank you, Wazza and Suzanne for taking the time to read this thing and comment. I agree, the thing is too long. I'll lope off a bit here and there. I'm not much for end rhymes, but they happen now and then. I like what I call internal rhymes, there a few in this work, but I' prefer the correct word to the correct rhyme. Rhythm, I go by breath, my breath. I don't count feet, or beats, and the rest. If you were to hear me read this thing, it would flow, it does flow, but my rhythm is not yours. Oh, the other thing, "times ago", I meant the memory of events that happened in the past, it doesn't have to be a long time ago, it could have just happened. The edit written (and thanks for taking the time) is nice, but not my meaning. I've already had comments on what can be perceived as jarridness (I also make up words if I can't find one to suit my need, i.e. "wazat"). If I feel that a poem is too la-da la-da la-da , I will remove a la-da and add a word to stop that rhythm. So it sounds la-da la-da lank, and I go on to the next line. Last thing, I don't despise myself, but if this poem made you think that the narrator does, great. I'm going to either get rid of the list of regrets, or modify it. But, most have felt foolish, most have had a go at revenge, most have lost love, and think about the life they live and compare it to the better life they might have lived. Not poets, to be sure, but all those others. Thanks again.

[Wazza]

Hi again byneothr ... I'm glad to hear that you and the narrator are not one. I'm with you in all of your explanation re other's comments, good on you, we write for ourselves in the main. However, there is one thing you have said that 'd calls out for further comment.
I don't count feet, or beats, and the rest. If you were to hear me read this thing, it would flow, it does flow, but my rhythm is not yours.

Yes, the rhythm is mine. As soon as you put it out there for others to read, others who do not have you to perform it for them, the rhythm is no longer just yours. It belongs to everyone who reads it and so it really should be able to be read the same by all. This can be achieved by following certain rules of metre. I know that if you were to read it to me, it would read beautifully because you know where you want the stresses to be placed. But I don't. The only guide I have is that which follows certain rules of rhyming verse. Having said that, you will read many rhyming poems that stray from these rules, but their authors have skills that allow them to do so while still allowing the reader to know how the poet wants it to be read.

I'm not trying to be clever byneothr, there was much about your poem that was fine and I have already commented in that vein.

Thanks for listening,
Wazza

[byneothr]

Hello, Wazza. I enjoy your thoughts and the opportunity it offers to comment on poetry. Few in my circle care for this form of communication, so being able to comment on this subject has been rare for me. I disagree with you. There are no rules of rhythm, unless you are attempting a form; sonnet, Villanelle, limerick. I write free verse, mostly. Now, I may write in an odd fashion, but this doesn't mean I don't know the "rules". My goal, via poetry, is to express as close as I can my truth. Just because I show the world my work, doesn't mean that the rhythm, rhyme, title, flow, or any part of the work belongs to the world. World judgement belongs to the world, not my judgement, not my poem.

I am part of pg because I do want to hear how others read my work. I take seriously the time and effort you and others have spent trying to make me a better poet. In fact I will be deleting one word from this poem as a direct result of your advice, I will also work to make it shorter. But I am the caller, my rhythm, my poem. The world is the receiver, and will always be. I will be calling, whether you choose to hear or can is on you. Thanks again.

[Wazza]

That's fine byneothr ... we'll just have to agree to disagree and nothing wrong with that. Happens all the time.
Cheers,
Wazza

[littlemousie]

I really enjoyed reading your poem, and I also enjoyed reading your last response comment. I support your perspective. I think sometimes people get lost in all the rules and they step away from their truth, it may sound better, it may look better, but we write for ourselves too.
Thanks for sharing your poem and thoughts

Georgie