Sorry, but it's a little lengthy.
Contemplation
The season’s days were
long winter owned
when the canvas of an afternoon
brushed by an early measure of spring
lured me onto wind swept sands where
gentle waves just out of reach
tempted my sun warmed feet.
I wondered then whence they had come.
Had they responded to some celestial timpani
as they marched
across cold depths of ocean floor,
to kiss and then depart
a shore they’d journeyed far to greet.
Did some wild wind’s music, tripping and frolicking,
inspire rogue waves in heat
to romance the sun by day,
and the moon by night,
as if with Gods they need be intimate.
Did broken shell, sun bleached and
long forgotten, sleeping on some ancient sand,
relive a life that once though benign
now in dreams become so sweet.
I looked up to the strident cry
of gulls afloat
and watched the late sun’s rays
bestow their last gold blush on vagabond clouds.
As I regarded this heavenly masterpiece,
I felt the night’s approach
and the armies of the dark intrude
upon my musing.
I stood and thought on all He’d created
as dancing foam played catch and kiss
across the peaks of rival wave tops.
In awe I lifted my head to look for one more time
upon the ocean’s misty haze,
while notions of forever
bewitched me on this sublime evening.
For just a fleeting moment I forgot to breathe
and stood transfixed.
Not feeling now so much alone,
but one with this time and place
where angels surely must abide
and earth and heaven meet,
I sensed,here on this lonely stretch of cooling beach
and shadowed dunes, a life in sea and sand.
A life of here, of now, of long ago … a wonderment.
Contemplation
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Suzanne
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Hi Wazza,
I thought i'd be reading rhyme! You surprised me already.
I am going to be honest, i did not deeply read the whole thing. I stopped at the first sentence, then scanned to the bottom. The idea at the end is lovely.
But I will tell you what i thought and i hope you hear it in the positvie manner i offer it.
You told me in your pre-emptive sentence it was going to be lengthy. So, when i was winded by that first sentence:
The season’s days were long winter owned when the canvas of an afternoon brushed by an early measure of spring lured me onto wind swept sands where gentle waves just out of reach tempted my sun warmed feet.
I thought, oh. I see.
I understand that we are not writing prose. This is a contentempory poetry forum, yes, i know. But long first sentence ...!! It was heavy already. The line breaks added some slight relief but the reader has no time to take a real breath. There are some good images in here but they are skewed by the running together of ideas. Read it aloud and find where you, the poet, want the reader to breathe, pause. Enjoy the impact of the images you are sharing.
Using your only words and adding punctuation and changing the line breaks, removing two words. It could sound like this:
The season’s days were long, winter owned.
The canvas of an afternoon
brushed by an early measure of spring,
lured me onto wind swept sands.
Gentle waves just out of reach,
tempted my sun, warmed feet.
It is easier for the reader. To come with you.
Scanning down the page, i noticed the langanguage that followed was rather old-fashioned.
For example, whence is not a word used very often. Abide, bewitched... Yes, all words. But your readers are contemporary to reach them, it is best to speak their language.
Suzanne
I thought i'd be reading rhyme! You surprised me already.
I am going to be honest, i did not deeply read the whole thing. I stopped at the first sentence, then scanned to the bottom. The idea at the end is lovely.
But I will tell you what i thought and i hope you hear it in the positvie manner i offer it.
You told me in your pre-emptive sentence it was going to be lengthy. So, when i was winded by that first sentence:
The season’s days were long winter owned when the canvas of an afternoon brushed by an early measure of spring lured me onto wind swept sands where gentle waves just out of reach tempted my sun warmed feet.
I thought, oh. I see.
I understand that we are not writing prose. This is a contentempory poetry forum, yes, i know. But long first sentence ...!! It was heavy already. The line breaks added some slight relief but the reader has no time to take a real breath. There are some good images in here but they are skewed by the running together of ideas. Read it aloud and find where you, the poet, want the reader to breathe, pause. Enjoy the impact of the images you are sharing.
Using your only words and adding punctuation and changing the line breaks, removing two words. It could sound like this:
The season’s days were long, winter owned.
The canvas of an afternoon
brushed by an early measure of spring,
lured me onto wind swept sands.
Gentle waves just out of reach,
tempted my sun, warmed feet.
It is easier for the reader. To come with you.
Scanning down the page, i noticed the langanguage that followed was rather old-fashioned.
For example, whence is not a word used very often. Abide, bewitched... Yes, all words. But your readers are contemporary to reach them, it is best to speak their language.
Suzanne
You are absolutely right Suzanne. As I said in my intro to this forum I'm not practiced in writing unrhymed poetry. What I did with Contemplation was to take a poem I had written... Contemplation and rewrite it sans rhyme. I agree with you, it didn't work. So here is the original... see what you think.
Talk soon,
Wazza
Contemplation
With seasons’ days long winter owned,
but on this evening summer cloned,
I strolled along a wind swept beach
where gentle waves just out of reach
tempted my sun warmed feet.
I wondered then, whence they had come,
marching to celestial drum
across cold depths of ocean floor
to kiss and then depart a shore
they’d journeyed far to greet.
What wild wind’s music tripped and danced,
to which rogue waves in heat, romanced
the sun by day, the moon by night,
as if with Gods they need unite
before they must retreat?
Did broken shell, sun bleached, lying,
long forgotten, naked, drying,
sleeping on an ancient sand
relive a life that once, though bland,
in dreams become so sweet?
I looked up to the strident cry
of gulls afloat in fading sky,
and watched the late sun’s rays bestow
their last gold blush on clouds below;
a masterpiece complete.
And as I felt the night’s approach;
its armies of the dark encroach.
I stood and thought on all He’d made,
while dancing foam on wave tops played;
unyielding, though effete.
In awe I turned my head to gaze
across the ocean’s misty haze,
as notions of forever time
bewitched me on this night sublime,
for just one moment fleet.
And so I set my steps to home
not feeling now so much alone,
but one with earth and wind and tide
where angels surely must abide
and earth and heaven meet
There on this lonely shadowed strand
of cooling beach and darkling sand,
I sensed a life in sea and shore
of here, of now, of long before,
a wonderment replete.
Talk soon,
Wazza
Contemplation
With seasons’ days long winter owned,
but on this evening summer cloned,
I strolled along a wind swept beach
where gentle waves just out of reach
tempted my sun warmed feet.
I wondered then, whence they had come,
marching to celestial drum
across cold depths of ocean floor
to kiss and then depart a shore
they’d journeyed far to greet.
What wild wind’s music tripped and danced,
to which rogue waves in heat, romanced
the sun by day, the moon by night,
as if with Gods they need unite
before they must retreat?
Did broken shell, sun bleached, lying,
long forgotten, naked, drying,
sleeping on an ancient sand
relive a life that once, though bland,
in dreams become so sweet?
I looked up to the strident cry
of gulls afloat in fading sky,
and watched the late sun’s rays bestow
their last gold blush on clouds below;
a masterpiece complete.
And as I felt the night’s approach;
its armies of the dark encroach.
I stood and thought on all He’d made,
while dancing foam on wave tops played;
unyielding, though effete.
In awe I turned my head to gaze
across the ocean’s misty haze,
as notions of forever time
bewitched me on this night sublime,
for just one moment fleet.
And so I set my steps to home
not feeling now so much alone,
but one with earth and wind and tide
where angels surely must abide
and earth and heaven meet
There on this lonely shadowed strand
of cooling beach and darkling sand,
I sensed a life in sea and shore
of here, of now, of long before,
a wonderment replete.
Hello, Wazza. I wonder if you've read any Slam Poets, such as Saul Williams? I enjoy rap and some poets like Etheridge Knight, ee cummings, and (only for the brave) T. S. Elliot. I'd recommend their reading for anyone to analyze. I wonder if there is a recommendation page here at pg? As to this poem, I have to agree with Suzanne. I do like the sounds of some 'old' words, betwixt, s'wound, and hence. I use them, but with moderation. Hope this helps. Thanks.
hi Wazza,
Interesting experiment. I enjoyed and preferred the rhyme crime version
I like to dip into my Golden Treasury and find such stuff. The musicality is beguiling. Bring back the inversions to verses I say!
much enjoyed - and will now read and saviour the rhythms a third time!
all the best
mac
ps a full-stop after meet.
Interesting experiment. I enjoyed and preferred the rhyme crime version
I like to dip into my Golden Treasury and find such stuff. The musicality is beguiling. Bring back the inversions to verses I say! much enjoyed - and will now read and saviour the rhythms a third time!
all the best
mac
ps a full-stop after meet.
Hi Mac, Yes their are a couple of inversions. I've been down this road before. I'm happy to use them occasionally, so like you say ...bring 'em back. 
If I can find an edit button I'll fix up the missing stop.
byneothr ... hi. I haven't read any of Saul Williams but have certainly read Elliot. What's a slam poet?
HI Suzanne, hey, I believe you, but I'm not sure what you really mean by that question so I will just take it as literal. I write poems because I enjoy doing so. I've been writing poems and lyrics, (working professionally as a musician) for at least half of my (long) life. When I'm able to share them with like persons I do so. It's fun and it's satisfying to be able to comment on and be commented on through forums such as this. Personally, I believe the rhyming version of Contemplation to be one of the best serious poems I've written. So it was, in retrospect, a mistake to try to convert it to an unrhymed clone. However, in my defence, I am trying to become more practiced with the unrhymed genre as this is very much the norm of poetry on this forum. I have also written a lot of poems for children and those I admit to writing for a purpose ie to publish if possible.
Cheers .
Wazza
If I can find an edit button I'll fix up the missing stop.byneothr ... hi. I haven't read any of Saul Williams but have certainly read Elliot. What's a slam poet?
HI Suzanne, hey, I believe you, but I'm not sure what you really mean by that question so I will just take it as literal. I write poems because I enjoy doing so. I've been writing poems and lyrics, (working professionally as a musician) for at least half of my (long) life. When I'm able to share them with like persons I do so. It's fun and it's satisfying to be able to comment on and be commented on through forums such as this. Personally, I believe the rhyming version of Contemplation to be one of the best serious poems I've written. So it was, in retrospect, a mistake to try to convert it to an unrhymed clone. However, in my defence, I am trying to become more practiced with the unrhymed genre as this is very much the norm of poetry on this forum. I have also written a lot of poems for children and those I admit to writing for a purpose ie to publish if possible.
Cheers .
Wazza
G'day Wazza,
I much prefer the rhymed version, if that's your metier why not stick with it, why force yourself into a less formal verse? I envy your evident skill and ease with form. The occasional archaisms suit the rhyme very well. Your running trochees can be positively Tennysonian-'long forgotten naked, drying..' brilliant.
Regards, C.
I much prefer the rhymed version, if that's your metier why not stick with it, why force yourself into a less formal verse? I envy your evident skill and ease with form. The occasional archaisms suit the rhyme very well. Your running trochees can be positively Tennysonian-'long forgotten naked, drying..' brilliant.
Regards, C.
I agree! I could still do without the inversions, though.cynwulf wrote: if that's your metier why not stick with it, why force yourself into a less formal verse? I envy your evident skill and ease with form.
Cheers
David
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Jester
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I must confess I prefer your original version. Inversion seems to be a common trap that snares some of us older folk when we strive to keep to rhyme and meter. I did enjoy the read and admire the effort put in here to maintain form.
Just because you're paranoid it doesn't mean they're not out to get you.
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Suzanne
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- Location: Land of the Midnight Sun
"The musicality is beguiling" said mac.
I agree.
I think most of us can enjoy rhymed verse that is done well. I think you have the ability to do it well. Relax and enjoy yourself.
Your answer as to why you write shows that you take pleasure in crafting the poems and saying them aloud. I assume as much due to the children's stuff. Do what you do and stick to do it better. This is a great place to learn as i am sure you will be told if you are off beat or have made mistakes.
I think you are also wanting to challenge yourself by writing some free verse. I believe the internal prompting for the two styles may be quite different.
I am guessing but with rhyme, i'd think the lines and music comes first like the beginning of a ball of yarn... Then you start knitting.
Perhaps with free verse it isn't always a phrase but an impression the is requiring words. Try thinking on that and see if it unclogs something. You certainly have enough talent to write free verse. Relax. Enjoy trying.
Thank you for the poem and the discussion.
Warmly,
Suzanne
I agree.
I think most of us can enjoy rhymed verse that is done well. I think you have the ability to do it well. Relax and enjoy yourself.
Your answer as to why you write shows that you take pleasure in crafting the poems and saying them aloud. I assume as much due to the children's stuff. Do what you do and stick to do it better. This is a great place to learn as i am sure you will be told if you are off beat or have made mistakes.
I think you are also wanting to challenge yourself by writing some free verse. I believe the internal prompting for the two styles may be quite different.
I am guessing but with rhyme, i'd think the lines and music comes first like the beginning of a ball of yarn... Then you start knitting.
Perhaps with free verse it isn't always a phrase but an impression the is requiring words. Try thinking on that and see if it unclogs something. You certainly have enough talent to write free verse. Relax. Enjoy trying.
Thank you for the poem and the discussion.
Warmly,
Suzanne