kids run into things (vrt. 2)

[byneothr]

kids run into things
walls, furniture, each other
if it hurts enough
crying helps

running into things
it's something
we do

everyone's been in love

we become the fox
looking only with his heart
the prince, loving only
the one red rose

until, for most

the knight of mirrors
appears

and then, for most
love disappears

because love is based on belief
and belief is only dressed up hope

and hope,,,,dies

this is how love ends

you run into a wall
you fall
and it hurts

=================
kids run into things
walls, furniture, each other
if it hurts enough
crying helps

running into things
it's something
we do

we've all been
in love with something
or someone

even feeling
our love is wrong
we hold on strong
long as we can

we are the fox
looking only with his heart
the prince, loving only
the one red rose

and then, for most

the knight of mirrors
....appears

and then, for most
love....disappears

because love is based on belief
and belief is only dressed up hope
and hope....dies

this is how dreams end

you run into a
wall
life
someone

and it hurts

[Wazza]

Hi again byneothr ... as I started the read I thought "This is good." And it was. The first seven lines really did it for me. A great start to the piece. I appreciate how you were tying the intro, the running, to the last verse and you very successfully accomplished this. The finishing lines you run into a wall... life ... someone ... and it hurts. Great!
You very successfully accomplished this. Between those extremes, it was a bit disjointed. I liked the running into metaphor, and would have liked to see it continued if possible. And just one more item, our love is wrong ... we hold on strong is a very elementary rhyme. I'd like to see you work on the poem a bit and see what comes off.
Cheers,
Wazza

[ray miller]

kids run into things
walls, furniture, each other
if it hurts enough
crying helps

running into things
it's something
we do - it's an abrupt transition, kids run into things/ we run into things. I don't see it serve much of a purpose

we've all been
in love with something
or someone

even feeling
our love is wrong
we hold on strong
long as we can - one rhyme too many, perhaps. I'd lose strong.

we are the fox
looking only with his heart - I don't get this, foxes aren't renowned for their sentiment. What am I missing?
the prince, loving only
the one red rose

and then, for most

the knight of mirrors
....appears

and then, for most
love....disappears - I like these 4 lines, how self-examination prompts disintegration

because love is based on belief
and belief is only dressed up hope
and hope....dies - I'd cut this stanza, doesn't need saying

this is how dreams end

you run into a
wall
life
someone

and it hurts

[Antcliff]

Hi Byneothr!

The core of the poem seems to be a comparison: kids running into things, adults running into things in life. I think that is a nice idea for a poem , the comparison. But the current version does not quite do enough with the comparison IMHO.

And there is some redundancy surely?

running into things
it's something
we do..

IMHO this stanza adds too little.....axe? The reader will get the shift from children to adults from the next stanza.

we've all been
in love with something
or someone

....with "something or someone" seems redundant. No reader needs to be told that they are the options.

this is how dreams end

....not sure this is adding much.

Best wishes, Seth

[byneothr]

Good stuff guys. Thanks.

[Jester]

Hello Byneothr.
I'd get brutal with this, and cut S2,3,4 and the 2nd "and then, for most". I'd cut the middle out because it's kind of telling people how to feel. I like the belief being described as dressed up hope, but feel that stanza could do with sharpening up too. Not sure what to suggest.....it just seems long-winded. Maybe removing "and" could help. I did enjoy the idea and think there's a good viable poem here. Thank you.
Mick.

[Macavity]

hi byn

Excellent title! I liked S1 the most - had a physicality, and amusement.

all the best

mac

[byneothr]

I agree that the "wrong, long, on" had to go. The 2nd verse has to stay in for 2 reasons. The first verse states kids run into things, the 2nd adults too run into things. This sets up an adult love theme, not a kid's, at least that how I intend it. I don't trust the reader to make the transition without the 2nd verse. The second reason is that there should be no judgement about running into things, in that it's human nature, mostly accidental. Which describes, by the way, how most people fall in love, I doubt many wake up and say "Today I'm going to fall in love.", and then go do it.

Note: The Prince, fox, are characters in "The Little Prince". The Knight of Mirrors in the Man of La Mancha.

I took out "in love with something or someone". I don't feel it's redundant. Many people don't love people, they love things, idols, ideas, pets above people. I was trying to capture the entire set that people love. But then thought, just saying that "people love" should cover it, just not as well.

Jester, I don't mind telling people how to feel. "People, feel good." That said, I don't see in this poem where it tells people how to feel. Maybe it's addressed in the 2nd version. If not, please write and tell me where to look. Finally, thanks for the props on the title. I take such a beating on titles. Again, many thanks for helping make this a better poem, or at least trying.