I promise this time I’m ready to love you

[byneothr]

I promise this time I’m ready to love you, my love. I do confess I was untrue, the times before. Lust held me in her shallow but unrelenting
hand. Oh, I remember the sight of those hot bodied infused nights when I kissed her lips and the sky exploded around me in a wave that beat
me, beat me, beat me down, until I felt myself drowning in an ecstasy so profound I lost direction of mind and the circumstance of mortality.
I thought myself immortal, lifted as a god to utopian fields of pure bliss. Oh, I do remember the kiss I kissed, the bright eyes, the willing
bodies that called me from the study of the heavens and their revelations. Poor student I must have been to have been so easily led from
purpose to pursuit. The slightest gesture, the softest whisper, destroyed the granite walls I built in defense of deference. I now see how
desperately I wandered from miss to misadventure. Understanding nothing, blind, deaf, and forever hungry, craving love by feeding lust. I
must confess, though I was untrue, all the while I was truly wooing you. You must have known, you were always there, teasing like a caress of
memory. I’d reach for you but you’d move the merest touch away and should I get too close, a maid of your design, you cannot deny it, would
show. Eagerly, the blithe attitude of fools, I'd allow myself be swept to experience, not the glory of completeness, but the shadow of essence.
That was me in a younger day. Now sufficiently aged, I know to wait for the substance of the shadow, to the grave if that proves your desire.
Show yourself, please hurry. I see another. It seems scheming chance intends to lead my determined self astray. But, no, my love. I am
titanium. It is you, only you that I love.

(But it just occurred to me, there's this family thing
that needs my attention, a kinda dutiful,
because it's for family, intervention.)

(I know you understand.)

[Lackadaisical]

Strong opening line... It got my attention. However, I do feel like the odd placement of the poem's lines in form of a parragraph makes it a little hard to keep up with the poem and concentrate on the depth of it. Also, the point of view seemed a bit unstable to me, as if it went from apologizing for falling in lust and declering love to falling in lust again, to repenting and declaring love again, though this can also be used in advantage of the poem's theme when the audience reads the final lines warning of a temptation coming ahead. Don't know if the very last line supports the theme of the previous lines or vice versa though. Overall I liked the poem despite its few flaws.

PS. Don't know if the last word in the parenthesis are meant to be part of the poem, if so then shame on me for not incluiding them in this response

[byneothr]

Hello. I don't want this to be read by anyone who is discouraged by the shape of it. In fact it was the computer's spacing not mine, and I've changed it to make it more difficult for the casual reader to read. Thanks for the interest and the time, I hope you found it worthwhile.

[Jackie]

Hello B.,

I'm interested to know why you would want to discourage anyone from reading your poem.

Jackie

[byneothr]

I want everyone to read my stuff, and enjoy it. But if the shape of it disturbs you, I don't want to hold you. Go read something with a better shape. Do you believe that the shape of a poem signifies its merit? If not, let's talk about the merit of the poem.

Thanks for the question.

[Lackadaisical]

I want everyone to read my stuff, and enjoy it. But if the shape of it disturbs you, I don't want to hold you. Go read something with a better shape. Do you believe that the shape of a poem signifies its merit? If not, let's talk about the merit of the poem.

Thanks for the question.

Sorry if you got annoyed by my comment, but it was my first critique and I was not thining out of the box. I was not in any way "disturbed" by it or its shape, but quite the opposite, I enjoyed the poem a whole lot. I just criticized its shape because I honestly was a bit lost as to what to critique, so I chose its unusual shape, though I never thought through it as another means to communicate its message. I apologize if I came off as rude and/or ignorant.

Have a nice day.

[byneothr]

No, I'm sorry if I came off rude, or defensive. I'm really thick skinned when it comes to critiques. As I said I want everyone to read and enjoy what I put out. If someone has a problem with the shape of my poem, if it puts them off, don't read it. That's fine, it won't bother me. If you read the poem and find that the shape got in the way of the piece, I want you to tell me. I'll think about changing it. Again thanks to everyone for their suggestions.

Oh, I just finished re-reading your last comment. The shape does tell a story. Good for you picking it up.

[the stranger]

The construct is that similar of a "Haibun"

The prose then an almost Haiku to finish. Of course the juxtaposition of prose and hanging-haiku is important, not sure that works here in its present form, but interesting non the less. It seems overabundant with "love" in various guises, which did put me off.

I notice you have another block of prose type poem which i shall now investigate.

Interesting
TS

[byneothr]

That is great stuff!!! I had no idea. I just checked out some haibun on the internet. I'm excited, get ready for a haibun. Do you think it should be placed in the poetry section or with the short stories? How about the challenge page? We could all submit a few.

[the stranger]

"Do you think it should be placed in the poetry section or with the short stories?"

Probably poetry...