The Lake (4 lines only)

[mick]

A blanket of mist slips away on the breeze,
A swan glides along with such elegant ease.
The trees are aquiver on rippling skies,
As a glow of warm orange awakens my eyes.

[AshleyD]

Hi Mick,

I like your poem. You use imagery beautifully. I saw it all so clearly, so nicely done! The rhyme works well for me, it doesn't seem forced at all. I wonder if "elegant ease" is abit adjective heavy? This stanza is so great I think it deserves another to keep it company! The last line was resonant for me, and had that crucial freshness that I love in poetry.

Cheers,
Ashley.

[mick]

Thanks Ashley. Nice to get such positive feedback, and your comment on"elegant ease" is noted (thought it might be a tad incongruous myself).
As it happens this was a genuine experience.

[cameron]

Hi Mick,

Welcome to the forum.

I'm afraid that I don't really like this. It sounds rather sentimental to me and employs a number of poetry cliches, namely: gliding swans, rippling skies, blankets of mist, warm glows etc. I really think you need to dig deeper into this "lake" experience and come up with something fresher and more memorable. The rhyme scheme is also rather predictable. Why not try re-writing it using free verse and see what you get??

Sorry

Cam

[mick]

That's fine Cameron. I wrote it about 1989. I've tried changing it since but, because I've "known" it so long, it's a bit like wearing an old pair of slippers. (there I go again with another cliche). I agree that it's a bit cliched as it stands, however I didn't realise that "rippling skies" was a cliche. Usually, nobody seems to get the idea that the trees are being viewed as a reflection. Is it ancient poetic trickery? You're right again in that I need to get into free verse, but the damn stuff sticks in my throat. I enjoy reading others' work, but don't like my own attempts at all. Many thanks for your tips.
Mick.

[camus]

I enjoy reading others' work, but don't like my own attempts at all.

Such is the way.

Becoming content with ones own posts is a task that I doubt any "forum" poet rarely ever gets to grips with!

I think there will always be an element: structure, scheme, language - comma , full stop etc that will Irk.

Perfection is a dream away, and OH how we dream!

I would say you seem obliged to rhyme, try not rhyming, see what gives?

cheers
Kris

[AshFold]

Kris I feel the same way , I also enjoy reading other's work but do not like my own attempts. mmmm what to do eh? On this poem " The Lake" I really enjoyed reading my favourite line "As a glow of warm orange awakens my eyes." such an affable and comforting feel to these words I could almost feel it. A beautiful poem.

[ccvulture]

Mick

The descriptions are vivid, though cliched as already observed. I like the explanation you gave later for the trees seen reflected in the water, so maybe that is something you could give more space to in the poem itself. If you would like people to reflect on that phenomenon, elucidate it.

I think this would also be better if you added a couple of lines at the end in which you (unwritten) ask yourself: what do I think of when I look into the lake? and answer that question in a closing couplet.

Cheers

Stu

[mick]

Thanks ccvulture. Think I'll have a go at that, though it might be some time before it's peaceful enough.........hectic life.
Cheers.
Mick

[anniecat]

Anniecat here,
chipping in again, please give me feed back on HIMSELF, (beginers.)
I find this site so good for my interests, i've had, for a change a good afternoon, i've read and thought, hmmmmmmmmm insperation........